How do we convince my mother-in-law to go into a nursing home?

I agree that a third party could help you here. If your mother-in-law hears from a doctor that she needs nursing home care, then she may be more willing to make that move.

If, however, she has six months or less to live, then hospice is your answer. Once again, you'll need input from a doctor. Before taking her in, you could write the doctor a letter in advance to explain exactly what is happening at home. If he or she is fully informed you are likely to get more help.

Good luck with this. We're with you. Please let us know what you decide to do.
Carol

It may help to have her doctor deliver the news, with the threat the state will arrange it if she does not agree. Advice coming from a non-family member is more likely to be accepted. Good luck!

Call Hospice. It is time.

Sometimes, what we want and what we need are two different issues. It's time to make that decision for her. Don't feel guilty, you need to take care of yourself and your own family. Best wishes for getting through this new phase of your/her life.

Could they both move into assisted living? There are wonderful facilities where there is a nursing home attached. The transition is much easier from assisted living to nursing home. Best wishes.

If they have the financial resources, moving them together to an assisted living community would be a good solution. Your FIL could continue to care for your MIL with some help from the staff. He would also have the benefit of being less isolated. If they can't afford it, though, send a letter to her doctor well before an appointment, explaining the situation and her condition in detail and then take her for an appointment and let the doctor prescribe nursing care. After that, just treat it like a final decision and start the planning for it - she can object, but as long as you (and the rest of the family) don't waver, she has to accept it. That will be the hard part, not wavering! I've seen this over an over. If she winds up staying right where she is, it will be your weakness that cause it, not her strength. Good luck. It's hard.

You can bring help into your home for Personal Assistance hiring someone through your own connection or through an agency. Agency's cost more. I had found help through an ad in the Christian newspaper someone used to advertize needing a job. You could put an add yourself also and interview people.Your county social worker can then help if needed to set up government financial assistance. Depends on household income which program may be the right fit for you. The doctor can also set up temporary help with physical therepy for exercize strengthing or with a home nurse, etc. Something maybe be physically wrong so the doctor can check her out. She may just need encouragement to live too. Everyone needs God. Christian televison and radio would be most beneficial for her. There are many great ministry tapes available to purchase and play especially through connections from Trinity Broadcasting Network or Daystar. You can play tapes of the bible itself too. Your prayers for abundant life Jesus died to give her on earth as it is in heaven would greatly impacting too. The right nursing home may be an ok option but there seems to be a lot of stealing in them from my experience with my step mother amongst other spiritual stuff to deal with. Try to find a Christian one if you choose this option would be my suggestion and this may help. I pray God will reveal to you what is best for your mom and your household. Much blessings to all of you.

Here is how it progressed for me:
I got to the point that I was having to doing nursing duties (supposities...) and 'he-man' work (lifting dad off the floor up to 10 x/d).
I said I was hiring help for me but it is in home nursing care. They rebelled because they need no help, but I usually default to being to inept to do the job rather than convince them they are falling apart.
They hated the nurses in their homes so much that I said the only way to stop "having someone stare at them all day" was to move into asst living where the nurse are outside the door.
One thing that made the painful stage of them firing and being real mean to the nursing shorter was interesting. Having a big open-concept home is awful for caregivers and those getting care. They are always in eachothers face. In a home with rooms the snack can be made without the parent(s) noticing how stupidly they apply PB to bread, etc...
So, we took steps as safety became paramoount.
It is one year later. They prefer their apartment. I bring them to their big beautiful (open concept, tehe) home a couple times a week for a couple hours. We are in a new routine that is tolerable now.

If it is financially and emotionally feasible to keep her in the home and hire outside nursing home care, then that is an option. I would have the situation assessed by in in home agency which you can speak to her doctor about it. For the incontinence issue when my father was unable to walk, he wore the depends and then when he could no longer transition to the bathroom, he wore a diaper. They have diapers that are dependent upon the need if your mother in law is a heavy wetter or a light. We also had a pad that we placed on his bed which also helped. If you find it is too expensive to have her at home, then consider assisted living and you would have to have her care assessed by the nurse there to see what is appropriate if she can get care in the home, assisted living or nursing home. Typically if she can feed her self assisted living is appropriate , but if she is not able to feed her self nursing home is more appropriate. May God give you wisdom with helping you to make the best decision.

Hi Doreen44,
I'm wondering what's causing her weakness and decline, and how quickly it's come on. What have the doctors told you? It seems to me that it would be hard to figure out a care plan without having good information on what's going on with her health, and what your options are for making it better.

If she is terminally declining, then I agree that hospice is often a very good choice.

Good luck, it's a hard situation.