Mother-in-law (91) paranoia and nastiness. Anyone else dealing with this?

i only have one brother who has health problems of his own and he doesnt want to fool wu\ith it anyway, just his personality. my kids would help but they live away.. i do have her in a home but because i am wanting to keep her house, medicaid will not help.. they only help if u have nothing but you still have responsibilities and worries even though they are there. thanks for your input...take care and GOD BLESS YOU.He is our only true help thru this

Debbieshess...sorry to read what you are dealing with. Do you have siblings that can help out? I hope so. We are fortunate that there are 6 of us that are taking this journey with my MIL. Is a nursing home a possibility for your mother...and then possibly medicaid can take over?
And thank you MaggieMarshall for your comment about Medicaid. I was able to find out a little more info on this thru a senior advisor from this site.

There's no such thing as making a little too much for Medicaid. If one needs custodial care and can't afford it, Medicaid will take over -- using her income to defray their expense. This is assuming she hasn't gifted her assets away. If she has, Medicaid will exclude a comparable number of months from coverage.

yes I am going thru the same thing...I put mom in assisted living with her income barely covering the expense...then because she kept fighting and going out the windows trying to get away I had to move her to lockdown...now, I have to foot the rest of the bill on my own, which is going to make it really rough on me because my husband is deceased and I work 40 hrs per week..If I take her anything, like lotions, toothpaste, etc., she hides it bec she says they will steal it ..i have taken away her underpants bec she is constantly ruining her clothes so i make her use depends....when I go see her, she curses me and won't let up..it is a constant battle to the place where my nerves are so bad, I dont want to go back...I know itss not what you wanted to hear but it will only get worse....

Part of the problem we are having with my MIL is that she wants to be able to do what she used to and because of her tentative and wobbly walking she needs a walker...at all times...to prevent falling, which she has done several times the last resulting in 2 mos. in rehab. This has just added to her distress despite letting her do what she can...it isn't what she wants to do and annoys her...a lot!

Yes, Pam...the lack of concern/visits from the church says so much. Aunt & uncle say bad things about me because I refuse to go there with them. Truth is that I am more of a spiritual person & have always been uncomfortable with "organized religion." You had a good suggestion about the tithe situation...if they mailed it in I could control the situation; however, they take it with them when they go. Also, uncle knows he is only one who can sign checks!

Ah yes.. 100 years ago they died at 45.. and if they lived longer they were frequently "put out of sight" in the house... Thank god those days are gone! My folks moved in with us, and they can be a handful but they are usefull and we let them know it! They just do "what they can" and we are greatful. But it can still be hard. And yes, sometimes it is hard to handle.
Butterfly.. maybe you can tell them YOU sent the money to the church for them? Too bad no one from the church visits.. tells you something does it not?

I believe that when you have spent so many years in pain, she just can't do otherwise. How do you feel and act when you are in excruciating pain and limitation. Empathy and calling Agency on aging or Dementia support can help find an approprate fit for taking care of her at all income levels. God Bless you and all you do. Take action today. ebook author of "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents".

My Mom is the same. Last night I cooked us dinner, the stove got a bit messy...she saw it and BLEW her stack and proceeded to "nip" at me about the supper...finally driving me from the room before I did something I shouldn't. She threw out her supper in spite and went hungry. Could be a UTI which does very odd things to elderly or worsening dementia for my mom. Hang in, it is not you but her disease!

Sallie, none of those church people, pastor included, ever call or visit them! I have to wonder if the aunt & uncle, in their delusional thinking, believe a large tithe would somehow change that. I have known them all my life - they were & still are preoccupied with outward appearances.

This is so sad. When we marry we marry for better or worse, sickness and in health and when we have children we nurture them until they spread their wings. When we grow old we are no longer useful and patience steps out the window. This woman has seen many things in her lifetime which are all stored in her brain, both good and bad times. 100 years ago there were no "homes" that we could conveniently send our aged parents to so they stayed with us until they died - out of respect and love - you will all grow old some day so remember your mother in law doesn't have a problem - she is living as a 91 year old should and is probably just as frustrated as you are

Wendylou, go with the flow.

Our experience is no matter how many times we have discussions with my MIL about her accusations and she says she doesn't know why she does it and won't any more...but she does! There are actually times when my SIL and BIL try to ask her why she is saying what she says when she covers her ears and just smiles at them!!! So you can tell her whatever but my experience it goes in one ear and out the other!!

I also wanted to ask, do i try to make my mom understand that the people outside are just ordinary people,and not detectives that are watching every move she makes or how many cigarettes she smokes?. Or should i just go with the flow? Wendylou

I am all too familiar with the paranoia and anger...in our case, the paranoia stemmed from the very realistic hallucinations that accompany Lewey Body Dementia. As a result of the paranoia, my husband became very physically and verbally abusive. He would threaten us, throw things at us or grab us so hard that it left bruises. Ultimately, he was hospitalized, put on serequel and remeron and is back to being the pleasant, calm, though somewhat confused man we love. Also ask the doctor about adjusting the serequel. Sometimes all it takes is tweaking the dosage to improve your loved ones demeanor....been there done that a few times now!

I find one part of this a positive. The brothers/family are supporting each other and working together. I encourage you all to continue to do so. It is important for your mental, physical, & familial health.

1butterfly, if your aunt and uncle are that worried about giving to the church tell them to ask the church for help!

My mom was put on Seriquil too and it made her worse. She started getting a potty mouth and the paranoia got worse too. Same thing happened to my Uncle with that drug. Mom was just changed to Depacote - the nurse practitioner said that it is a "crap shoot" which drug will work for which patient.
I noticed a good change in my mother as soon as she was taken off the Seriquil. - but it will take a while for the Depacote to kick in -
My mother is in a nursing home but doesn't trust any of the workers, think that they take her things and she is scared a lot. We are hoping this drug will work for the paranoia and distrust of everyone - praying a lot! Good luck with your mother-in-law.

The nastiness my mother experienced from her rich but demented other tortured my mother and made life very dfficult. That pain after her death never went away. Through the lawyers who duped my grandmother into essentially disinheriting her only child caring for my grandmother ended up costing. But it was a good example to us children and our parents both got to stay at home until thier deaths.

Sure. You either decide to take care of her for the time she has left, or you complain about the obvious symptoms of dementia. All of us on this site have a loved one with dementia, and we are all trying our best to do our best for our loved ones.

They both threw me out in early February & I had a difficult time finding some place to go. Ended up with my ex SIL who is a full-blown alcoholic & her enabling sicko husband. Long story short, I came back 3 months later. I am in a tough spot...disabled after surgery 4 years ago & then diagnosed with COPD in May. No place to live & very little money. Hoping for a disability hearing soon & a favorable outcome so I can get out of this terrible situation. I find it increasingly impossible to deal with.

We dealt with this too but the aggression was much more extreme. We found that MIL was the worst to those who are caring for her - husband before he died, us when we tried staying with her, workers at the care center where she is now. Familiarity breeds the hostility in what we're experiencing. Now we come by once a day for several hours and she's as happy as a peach that we're there. MIL has more advanced dementia, so she fortunately doesn't remember me calling 911 after she threw us out of her house and left herself in an unsafe situation.

Kathy-sorry to hear you are going through this. I caretake an aunt & uncle 24/7. Both have Alzheimers & dementia. She was always a difficult person at best. He was always lazy & expected everyone to wait on him hand and foot. These traits are now extreme. She accuses me of not giving them their meds, calls me a bitch, and on & on. He is like a petulant child. They now are resenting paying me & say they are unable to properly tithe to their church because of what I make. My own health is suffering due to the constant barrage of nastiness & negativity.

It is difficult to accept the mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease. develop boundless patience. Forget about
rational responses.

Enhanced Moments, "Touch Many ... radiate your warmth." --
Jolene Brackey
Author of "Creating Moments of Joy" Perdue University
Press.

Thank you for responding! The paranoia and nasty comments started about a year before my MIL fell. Up until then she was not a nasty person. She worked in a laundry until she was 80 and would probably still be working if the place had not closed down. She did not have an easy life, very little money, a disabled husband and an unexpected set of twins when she was 45! Compared to her earlier life living with her son should be like heaven. She has been evaluated by a geriatric dr. Who feels she is in early dementia. I spoke with an elder care advisor earlier today who suggested a change in her medicine may be needed. Will make a dr. App't to see about that. We also spoke with an elder care lawyer who gave us some advice on how to proceed with the Medicaid issue. Speaking with the advisor earlier today I found out that if she does wind up in the hospital for some reason that is when the nursing home should be considered and she should be able to be accepted under Medicaid at that time. She also said that this is the only way she can get into a nursing home. We cannot just decide she needs to be there and proceed on our own.

Kathy, what was MIL like before the fall? Is she basically a pleasant person, or has she always been a bit of a handful?

My husband's paranoia and accusations lasted a few months. He did very well on several medications. (Not everyone responds as well.) His pleasant personality returned and stayed with him for the rest of the dementia journey.

I suggest two things for your BIL and his wife to do:

1) Start looking at suitable care centers for MIL. Explore how MIL could afford these places, what kind of financial assistance she'd need, etc. Contact an attorney who specializes in Elder Law for guidance. BTW, MIL should be paying for room and board and possibly care. Discuss that with the attorney, too.

2) Make sure MIL is seen by experienced dementia care providers. If there is a dementia specialty practice any where in the area, it would be worth traveling some distance for an evaluation. As I said, not everyone can be helped with medications, but when they work they can make a world of difference. In my opinion it worth giving a good hard try. It could make her stay with BIL more pleasant, and also help her behavior in a care center, if there is something that works.

If MIL is not basically a pleasant person to start with then I think the search for a care center and a way to pay for it is more urgent.

When Medicaid does the math, they deduct the cost of an ALF from your income. That probably makes her income less than zero. So she would be eligible IF your state supports Assisted Living and now most states do. Check your state rules.