My ex stepmother is manipulating my Dad (90) financially and mentally! Any advice?

I have a similar situation, which I reported to APS in Boston. Met with them. They even saw my parent in their confused state of mind. They did NOTHING.
A social worker there told me of a similar case, which is ongoing in Boston, where a woman moved in with an elderly man with dementia and is taking advantage of him. The woman is a PROSTITUTE! APS will not do anything about it!! The man's daughter is beside herself! She can't do anything about the situation.
I am also frustrated in APS' lack of protection of the elderly. Children of the elderly report the abuses and APS does NOTHING. God help us!!

I think the answer is there. Take pamstegman's advice or fight fight fight with the help of a lawyer knowledgeable in these matters. The free help of the APS does not want to take it on because it is too hard and they don't get any more money for their effort. You have to decide if you are up to the fight and anguish or just move on.

At this point you have to walk away, because obviously he told APS he is happy with her caregiving. You are too far away to do anything differently. I think he is playing both of you against each other, not uncommon in dementia. The "divide and conquer" manipulation keeps you two fighting and he maintains control. Lots of posters here report huge sibling conflicts and their aging parent uses "he said she said" to keep them arguing.

I just spoke with the Adult Protective Services investigator and she made me out to be the wrong one. She said "with all due respect this lady is taking care of your father". "I said why because you met with them for 5 mins" And if she is it's only because she's getting her bills paid and he's leaving everything to her?! Why would not risk him signing over his poa and benefits... gotta keep him close and his family far so she can get whats left... Are these people stupid or what?! I give up! This is why this happens because it's easy!

She does! that's what I'm pissed about! The Adult Protective Services is doing a investigation but from my understanding as long as he is coherent they won't do anything! There is something really wrong with this system. I know it's fraud.. I have text messages from her telling me my dad hates me and she won't notify me when he dies.. but as soon as she leaves my father is crying and telling me it's not true but now this past Saturday he called and left a message telling me never to call him again. She has alienated him from his family and friends. As soon as we try to come and see him she takes him out of his house. When I went to visit him in nj I called the cops but they said the same thing... if it's his free will there's nothing i can do!!??

They are divorced. She has no legal authority. This is FRAUD. Report it to the police, if they do nothing go to a lawyer.
Who has POA?

btw.. sorry, I missed your first question. He said she divorced him after a couple of years because they were fighting all the time. They have also hit one another in the past from what he told me.

Crivas, why did they divorce? What's the official version they gave in court?

The funeral home. Right. If exS/M has POA, she takes the document to show them, there is no further argument, right? So why did she or could she not do that?
This situation would be making me question the validity of her POA, and that is what I would want verified. Even she should understand that you're not just going to take her word for it, surely.

The rest of it (by the way, while I wouldn't know, I'd be surprised if New Jersey were back in the Stone Age on APS even if their regulations are different from Florida's)… I think it's not just her you shouldn't trust. Now: EITHER your father is telling you taratiddles because he likes a good pity party, and he's loving the smothering from her and the attention from you and the idea that there are two women at each other's throats about him; OR he's losing capacity, in which case Protection of Vulnerable Adults (POVA) or the equivalent legal processes kick in.

The third option, as you say, is washing your hands of it. You'd be entitled, and it might well be the best idea from your point of view. But for a squeaky clean conscience, write down every fact about this situation you can remember, collate a document, and send to his local APS for their information and attention. You could copy in the police, too, if you felt like it, with a covering letter asking them if anyone else has reported similar concerns.

Just don't get dragged into games you don't want to play. Big waste of time and heartache, I agree with you. Sorry you've got this situation on your hands, no one deserves it.

I do not live in NJ, I live in Florida. When I did go there to see him she took him out of his house and wouldn't tell me where he was. I called the cops and they told me there was nothing they could do. I have text messages and voice mails from her telling me that I wasn't allowed to him and that he hated me. She also told me I will not be notified when he passes. I don't know why she needs my signature with a POA. The funeral home told me she needs it because they are divorced and they don't want to be sued by anyone. I have called an attorney and I called Protective services and I was told that as long as my father is agreeing with everything there is nothing I can do!!?? Florida doesn't work like this! There are laws here to protect even if someone has POA. This lady has does this multiple times. My father must be afraid or still in love with her because I literally begged him to let me help him and he says she loves him and takes care of him but as soon as she's out of the room he tells me different things. I really just think I should wash my hands of it. I don't trust her and It's only making me sad.

You should be asking a real lawyer, not us. There is something fishy here. Why does he need your signature. Do you have Med POA and or Durable POA? Is he competent? (Doesn't sound like it) Again, Do the lawyer thing. Worth it.

crivas, check the county clerk records to see if she really has POA and try to get POA yourself. My stepmother has done something similar to this and she does have POA.

Is there anyone else who could hear his side of the story.....sibling, friend, clergy...and who would be willing to validate what your dad wants/says? You could always secretly tape record your conversation with your dad but I don't know if that would be legal in a court of law. Sounds as though you are dealing with a very clever and experienced person. Have you checked into her past potential legal issues? How about family members of her other "husbands"? Good luck in stopping this person. Keep us posted please!

Take him to the bank. Try to get her off of his accounts. Tell them again she hascdivorced, remarried and divorced again. If you know where, you can get copies of all those public records. I believe social security would be interested to know she is getting several mens checks.either she is one hot tamale or she picks mentally and physically sick men. Have you tried a fraud detective? Put your own message on his phone. You could probably change it to an unlisted number and have his mail sent to you address or post office box. Dig around, get a bank statement showing her bills being paid with her money. If all else fails, go redneck on her butt.

Ok, I'm going to be really blunt, here: does she also accuse you of exploiting him financially, or attempting to?

The only way in which she could have a valid POA is if your father voluntarily gave it to her. If he did that, and if he had capacity at the time of signing, and if it was either done post-divorce or done during the marriage but he has done nothing to revoke it; well, if all of those things are true then, I'm afraid, you've got problems.

However. If you have or can obtain independent witnesses to her emotional abuse of him, that is also something you could report to APS. They will take a dim view of it. When you say he is living alone, why is he living alone? How far away from him are you, for example?

Hm. There is one more point that doesn't make sense. Why is the funeral home sending you a cremation authorisation form if she has POA?

I asked her for a copy of the POA and Will but she won't supply it. I'm sure she does though. She is a pro at this and wouldn't let anything slip through the cracks. As for how his mental capacity is- I have no clue! She told me that the doctor said he has beginning stages of dementia but he seems to remember everything when he's speaking to me. I think what is going on is he is affraid. She tells him she will leave and he will die alone. He lives by himself and she already alienated him from everyone for years. He doesn't have any friends and my half brother wants nothing to do with him because she mad him out to be the bad guy too. Everyone's after his money but she's the one spending it!

By the way, you have verified, have you, that she in fact does have a valid Power of Attorney? And does your father have mental capacity, yes or no, by legal standards?

Crivas you probably spoke to some bottom-feeder with about six weeks' experience and no knowledge of anything. I.e., you're right indeed, quite possibly has never heard of undue influence and wouldn't know it if it came up and bit her on the nose.

You'll have to be more persistent, I'm afraid. Call them again, and before you take no for an answer explain that this is a complex and unusual situation so you'd prefer to discuss it with someone with experience of financial abuse. Follow it up with a written summary. Best of luck.

Okay so I called APS in NJ and they told me if my dad is allowing it there's nothing I can do since she has POA??!! Are you serious? Have these people never heard of UNDUE INFLUENCE? I have no idea what to do.. Attorney referred me to them What is going on in this world!

Thanks everyone. I have spoke to a lawyer. They want me to call APS. I'll be doing that today.

I really think you need to seek advise from a lawyer. Would your dad go with you?

Crivas, being on excellent terms with my own ex-husband, I can just about stretch my head around the idea of an ex retaining POA and being a nominated executor. *Just* about.

But when you add in her behaviour, and her stated plans' being so at odds with what you know to be his wishes (as far as he can express them), and the fact that she appears to be overlooking the plain fact that they ARE divorced which is bound to raise questions about what the heck she thinks she's up to… It's all very fishy.

Write yourself a little summary document, like so:

• his date of birth
• dates of first marriage
• date of second marriage
• date of divorce
* dates of birth of any children of either marriage
• details of ex's remarriage, as far as you know them for certain
• details of any major property sales
• current whereabouts and living circumstances
• current state of health, including mental health and the all-important capacity or lack of it
• known documentation such as POAs and wills (do not rely, obviously, on ex's say-so: never mind lying through her teeth, she could just as likely be plain wrong)

Take it all to a lawyer, along with any authoritative documentation you have, and get an opinion. Start a new plan from there.

So, I spoke with the funeral home yesterday and the lady there told me that my father was there with his ex wife and she told them a life insurance policy is paying for his cremation. There is no funeral and no viewing just direct cremation. When I told my dad he said he wanted a viewing. He then called his ex wife and her exact words were NO! then she called me and left a voicemail saying she has power of atty and she is on his will and it states that she has all the rights to planning his funeral! This just shows you how much she has his best interest at heart......

Take the whole thing to a lawyer. A divorce is a matter of public record, no way she can conceal that from anybody. So unless they divorced because she'd dreamed up some money-making scheme (which in itself would probably be fraudulent), the courts are to say the very least going to raise an eyebrow about the mental capacity of a man of his age who apparently colludes with an abusive ex-wife. It's bonkers, frankly. You're after guardianship, and, by the way, there is no way of pursuing this without stressing him as long as he's involved. But once you achieve guardianship, he won't BE involved in the decision-making process and you can set about creating some safe boundaries for him.

I dunno. You read about black widow type evil geniuses but you never think it really happens…

Forget winning the popularity stakes and focus on his best interests. It'll help you stay the course if you know you're doing the right thing. Best of luck.

Also, when I told him fine, we can have you cremated and put in the plot she told him no! So of course he told me no.. The problem here is after she divorced him she was smart enough to keep everything under her name. I don't know how to get him to change his mind without upsetting him... BUT I just can't let this go!

What do you mean retrace his steps to the divorce? How do I do that? She's still in control of his money because she acts as though she is still caring for him. She has HER son has medical emergency contact. She has her voice on his voice-mail still as though she still lives with him. She has her name on his bank info and pays his bills but pays hers as well. I have spoke with people who say that it doesn't matter if he is divorced, if he is allowing it there is nothing I can do! I just don't know! I wish I could record him when she wasn't around but he would never tell the truth if he knew!

Retrace his steps to the divorce. It is hard to understand how she comes still to be in control of his money, and my guess would be that that is the point where things either went wrong or were overlooked. But I believe I'm right in saying that divorce changes everything - invalidates wills, possibly could do the same to Powers of Attorney. Go to a lawyer, ideally the one who represented him during the divorce (assuming he had one, of course), and take it from there. At the very least, your father's money should not be supporting his ex-wife of five years ago.

And don't sign anything until you've taken advice. Meanwhile call the funeral home and tell them he already has arrangements in place, thank you very much. Best of luck, please update.

Lawyer up, and do it yesterday, if APS and the police have not helped you. Sorry this is happening. It's wrong, you know it and she knows it, and she will happily wave it in your face as long as she thinks she can get away with it.

I hope you can nail this horrible gold-digger.

Also, it can't be legal for her to use his SS to pay her bill. I need to get them involved then she'll have to account for that money. If she divorced him she has no rights to that money any longer!

No, I have not hated her the whole time. It wasn't until after she married him and sold his house and then told me"what are you going to do about it"? He loves me and not you... and changes his # and moved him away without letting us know where he was then divorced him after 2 years of stealing all of his money! Finally I found him and he cried that she wouldn't allow him to speak with anyone. This isn't about the money or treating him like a child! It's about her doing this for a living. She just remarried another man with cancer! but still goes to my dads house to keep him on a short lease. As for the cremation, when she's around, she controls the conversation. When she is not he doesn't want to be cremated but then as soon as I tell her he said he doesn't want to he lies and says he never told me that and for the Maggie, his plot is worth $10,000 and if he gave it to her in the will she can sell it.

lets be real you haven't liked her from day one i get it. your dad loves her and if you loved someone no one could tell you leave. he is not a child, he is a man that is not hurt enough to leave. if he is happy with her it is better then hating you for being without her. their was someone you loved that everyone hated think about how you felt then think about it being your dad.so when you act treat him like a man not a child.