How much help will I need?

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BoniChak Asked October 2014

How much help will I need?

My Brother desperately wants Mom out of the NH and back here with me asap. He is asking me how much time I need to recuperate, how much help I'm going to need from nurses or aids, how much more can he and the rest of the family do. He wants the dog home with Mom. He's got my head swimming.
I need a full month off, until my follow up visit with cardiologist on 10/31.
I need each sibling to call her more often.
I need each of them to take her for a minimum of 2-4 hours a week for dinner or lunch.
I have no idea of what I need from nurses and/or aids. What would be the average hours. What do they do? I don't want to give up her care giving, I just want help.
To refresh, Mom has dementia is mostly wheelchair bound, diabetes, copd, very hard of hearing and could lose her sight at any time. She has put the kabbash on outside help, all this time , but just like taking her car away, it's time to stop letting a demented woman making the important decisions.

Any experience from Professionals, to those who have non-live in care givers.....I need a clue as to how much I need and what to expect.
Thanks Y'all.

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score 8 · Answer 1

The first place I'd start is with your doctor and rehab people (if you had any) to see what they advise. So I'd wait until after the 31st to even begin to think about next steps. I'd tell brother to back off until then. I'd also consider hiring a geriatric care manager to oversee all of the changes that will be made if/when you bring mom home.

But my big question is did your siblings step up like you want them to before your heart attack? If not, why not? What will make any difference once you get back home and things are "back to normal" in their eyes? Are they stepping up to see mom in the nursing home now? Taking good care of you? Offering support?

If it was me, I'd leave mom right where she is for at least a couple of months (probably more like three) so you KNOW you have a defined break to regain your strength and to put things in place that will ensure you do NOT have another heart attack! Take this time to refresh and rejuvenate your OWN life. You don't want to be one of the 33% of caregivers who die before their loved one!

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score 7 · Answer 2

Boni, you need time to heal before you worry about these things. I got mad at your brother reading it. He should be keeping the pressure off you right now and stepping up to the plate himself. I'll join you at his door, Pam.

I'm glad he's asking about the help you will need, but his timing stinks. Let him know you are on stress-free downtime and you'll talk about it next month. I wonder if your mother is asking him about things or if there are other reasons. Never you mind, though. It is his worry at the moment. You have yourself to tend to. You'll know when you're up to it.

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score 6 · Answer 3

People see a heart patient up and about, and mistakenly assume they're doing great. Well, they are and they aren't. They're getting over a trauma to their system, they're getting used to beta blockers and statins and all sorts of other meds that make them cold, sleepy, jumpy and such. They're dealing with an emotional hit.

Your brother needs to understand that going forward, there will be a new normal. And it very much includes you taking the time you need to care for yourself. Your life is so intertwined with your mom's that your needs have to be as important as your mom's are.

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score 5 · Answer 4

Boni, I remember back when my Dad had a very mild heart attack, the doctor told Dad he won't be back to being is old self for 6 months, thus Dad couldn't even drive during that time. Or lift anything heavy. And it took Dad time to adjust to the new meds he was taking, which made him sleepy. Of course, Dad was a gazillion years older than you, but the impact and recovery were the same.

Believe me, if the tables were turned and it was your brother taking care of Mom and it was he who had a heart attack, he would want a year off :P Don't let him rush you. There is no way you would be able to rest with Mom, the dog, and a battery of nurses/aids in the house.

Boni, your physical heart was telling you something.... LISTEN TO IT.

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score 5 · Answer 5

Boni, just post us his name and address and we will collectively appear at his doorstep to assure him that such a move could be very bad for his health. I'll bring the tar. Who's got some feathers...??

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score 5 · Answer 6

Boni, I'm with Pam on this. If brother wants her out of the NH, let HIM assume her care.

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score 5 · Answer 7

Remember the magic words - "that's not possible".

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score 4 · Answer 8

Thanks guys. I guess I really do need a lot more time to heal and make long term decisions. In the meantime, Mom is comfortable and cared for. They all need to make the effort to visit her there for a while. It's the least they can do, at this point. What I REALLY want is for that tough old broad LadeeM to come and take care of us both! I've been alone here since I got home from the hospital.

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score 3 · Answer 9

You have another big thing to work through, Boni -- stopping smoking. You don't need any extra emotion right now. Give yourself an "attagirl" for each day you go smoke free. I know it is a hard thing to go through, but so worth it. No more money going out on them. No more coughing as your lungs get healthy. You'll look better, like any wrinkles will start to smooth out. And you can start looking at those sexy men who wouldn't date a smoker. Nothing but benefits. You earned the right to enjoy the benefits. Who knows? What happened with your heart may have set you up for a better life without cigarettes. You go, girl.

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score 3 · Answer 10

Boni,
Your brother has been a good provider, and I have no doubt he is a good man. He is loving and supportive, from everything I recall you sharing. I think he may be so caught up in his plan, he cannot handle the interruption....so he needs you to get back on plan. He needs to realize you are not up for that.

You should consider that it may actually be time to make the NH permanent.
Your heart is in the right place, unfortunately that place is highly stressful.

I wish you well.

L

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How much help will I need?

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