How do I stop myself from blowing up at her?

Throwing water and hitting are very bad signs that you are out of control. You may say you're sorry and promise not to do it again, but I don't trust that you'll be able to control your temper if emotions flare again. What you are describing is the same scenario that happens for child abuse and spouse abuse. Your life was not going right and they just made you so mad. The trouble is that unless things change, your life will still not be going right and your mother will still make you mad. Any resolution you make to not let it happen again will evaporate in the heat of anger. You need to get away and work on the things wrong in your life. I understand what you did, but don't condone it even for a split second. You had the option to walk away, but you acted out of anger. Unless you get away and get help, you are likely to do it again when she shows you disrespect.

You are not just burned out, you did a criminal act of elder abuse. If it happened once, it can happen again. Turn your mother's care over to another person and get help to put your own life back in order.

Everyone is telling you what you need and they're right, no doubt about it. But no one is telling you how to get what you need. You need to be away from your mom and she needs to be safe while you are gone.

Take your mom to the ER. They will make sure that she is taken care of while you get away and figure out what to do next.

Throwing water at her is beyond the pale. If you ever do something like that again, in my opinion, you need to abdicate your care-giving duties to a nursing home.

We all "lose it" -- any care giver who says they never do isn't being truthful, in my opinion. We all "fail". We must take comfort in knowing that we're doing the very best we can.

However. Throwing water into a loved one's face is beyond failure. It is an indication that you have total burnout. Or resentments. That's not going to go away. I actually don't think you should "wait until next time." I think you should make other arrangements for your mom's care.

Is it possbile to take time for yourself. Does your mom have someone that would come visit her for a short time so you can get out and breath. I know, my mom has gotten mad at me and I have gotten mad at her more then ever. THey demand all the time and dont relaize that somtimes we just need a break. I live away from my mom in another state, but I get phone call after phone call from her of her needing, wanting, demainding , and most of all guilt trups. hang in there

Smitty, throwing water to your mom and then hitting her- are all signs that you have gone past the Burnout and going through depression. It's very very important that you find help for your mom. I can't remember if your mom is any programs for the elderly. Is she able to attend adult daycare? Have you applied at programs for caregivers like the National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP)? They are there for YOU, the caregiver. I'm enrolled in it. We have monthly caregiver's meetings, they sell caregiving supplies at a discount, and a weekly one hour respite.

Once you figure out your mom, you need to also work on yourself. The NFCSP paid for my 6 sessions of my therapy. It helped me a LOT. If I needed a massage, they would have provided that but .. . You really need to sit down and think what it is you really need to do - that is best for you and your mom. Not just our mom. But for Both of you.

If you don't nip this aggressiveness towards your mom now, it will continue to increase. Your temper and patience will continue to wear thin, and you will find yourself acting out from it...more and more. Please start making phone calls. {{Hugs}}

Smitty, nearly all caregivers get frustrated and sometimes lose their cool. But you crossed the line. I am glad you recognized that and are asking how to prevent repeats.

My take is that you should remove yourself from hands-on caregiving. Perhaps you need some help with anger management and I'd encourage you to look into that. But right now you are not a suitable caregiver for an aggravating non-cooperative woman with dementia.

What do you suppose would happen to a caregiver in a nursing home who threw water on a resident and then hit her? Do you think she would have her caregiving job the next day?

You need to resign your role. You can still take care of her finances, make sure she is getting the other help she needs, but all from a distance.

This situation is clearly not good for you. (You obviously are not pleased with your own behavior.) It is certainly not good for your mother.

You did your best. You stuck it out for years. Now is time for it to be over.

Yup, burned out, snapped, need to get out of Dodge. It will make you bi polar as the devil himself. Put her care in someone else's hands. Decompress.

Smitty, I read back to your previous posting from over a year ago. If you aren't going to make any changes, then how will things get better?

The fact that you physically assaulted your Mother, who has dementia among some physical disabilities, is unforgiveable.