When is too much, too much?

I should also add that any kind of care arrangement you go with - in home or in a residential senior facility - will be paid out of your parents' money, not yours. When they run out of money and assets, then it's Medicare time. Do first things first and get the legal paperwork done that will let you act on their behalf with the bank, insurance, doctors, creditors, lawyers, everything.

Caregiving can go on for decades, and that did not used to be the case. People died a whole lot sooner from stroke, heart attack, and other things there are common treatments for now. People are living longer and that equals a completely different caregiving picture.

You & Brother are going to have to sit down and make a plan for the near term and the long term. You can't just float through this, winging it every day and feeling like you are under a steam roller.

Their needs are only going to go up, up , up. It will never get better. After going through this with my mom last year, as an only child, my advice is this:

1. One of you has to get durable power of attorney document done NOW.
2. Mom & Dad each need to complete a Healthcare Directive - NOW.
3. You & brother need to get in control of their financial situation and make sure there are no surprises about to happen.
Close all extra credit cards, store cards, etc. Cancel magazines, and anything costing unnecessary money.
4. Talk to their doctors and find out if assisted living might be a smart thing to do. Tour some places locally. Get a feel for how they are setup and what kind of services they offer. Make sure medication administration is one of them!
A lot of the time, there are places that can put them in an apartment together. They don't need to live apart unless they start to have radically different health care needs.

If my mom would have stayed home, she would probably be dead now and I'd have a holy mess to deal with.

At some assisted residences, they have doctors that come to the patient, which will save you TONS of personal time. They are seen in their apartment, which means the doctor sees how they are really doing. My mom's place had a beauty shop, gift shop, physical therapy, dentist, post office, non-stop activities, and you can opt into whatever help you need for dressing, bathing, getting around. They usually have trips to the store, entertainment, eating out, all kinds of things.

When she needed skilled nursing, she moved into another unit in the same building. When she needed more than that, she moved over in the same building to the nursing home wing. Now she is in the secure memory care unit.

Doing this improved my mother's health because she was eating 3x a day for sure, getting all her meds at the right times, and doing PT during the week. She saw the doctor more often because I didn't have to take her, and she dind't need to drive (glory hallelujah). Of course, she missed her house & cats. Of course she missed being around all her "stuff", but the payoff was her safety, my peace of mind, and a much healthier environment for her.

I can go on vacation (in theory) and not have to worry. I can take a sick day at home and not be on call the entire time, running errands, step & fetching, and all the non-stop needs that go with parents depending on their grown kids.

Doing what you're doing now will run you ragged and it will show in your health, emotional well being, and ability to cope with simple things.

If brother won't help you, then grab the reigns and giddy-up yourself.

We used to have a K&W where I grew up. I miss those kinds of places!

Bye the way. The above letter was written to my brother that lives 22 hours away. My brother does come out an wAtch over when I am on vacation!
I get the self care thing but both parents have no idea as they said they have done it for their patents! That my mom tag teamed with her sister yet my grand parents needs were nothing compared to my mom an dad!