I have for the past six years set boundaries with my Mom and brother. What should I do?

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palmtrees1 Asked October 2014

I have for the past six years set boundaries with my Mom and brother. What should I do?

I have a dilemma of sorts and need some advice. One of the boundaries has been to not visit face to face. I have a little PTSD from verbal and emotional abuse by my family. My mother and brother continue this abuse long after my father (the abuser) has passed. It is what they know.

My elderly uncle is coming for a visit from up north and it will be his last most likely. I love him and he knows about the dysfunction of my family. The problem is my family will expect a visit and frankly, I am not sure it will not affect me emotionally and mentally. I am sure one of them will make a catty remark and live up to their past behavior. I can't visit with my uncle without seeing them and that would be weird.

So far the not visiting my mother and brother has worked fine for me. They both grumble and complain about me not visiting my mother but they make no effort to come to my home. Mom has made no effort in 6 years to make me feel loved or welcomed after lying about me and playing favorites with my brother. Brother is just fine with it all. We were raised with much disrespect and verbal hostility and my brother seems to have taken up the same behaviors my dad exhibited.

Being around them will cause me much stress and unhappiness. The phony niceness will set my teeth on edge and the moment no one is around it will be like swimming with sharks, you never know when the bite is coming but it is coming.

I hate to miss my sweet uncle and my cousin who will be with him but I just feel I can not do this trip. I just can't. And I feel very guilty for it. What should I do?

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score 3 · Answer 1

Palmtrees, my SIL had a similar problem with her mom having a pity party when she would visit. Now we go with her, and we take mom to lunch at a nearby restaurant. Mom is much better behaved when 3 of us are there. After lunch, we go right back to the ALF. We keep it short, because if she is tired she is as whiny as a kid who needs a nap.

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score 2 · Answer 2

Kathy1 you are absolutely right. Who cares! I knew I would get good advice from you all. That is true, why would I even care. It is about my dear uncle not them. Now I feel much better. Thank you all.

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score 2 · Answer 3

Palmtrees, you said yourself that your uncle KNOWS about your family dysfunction, so meet with him alone. What's the difference if and when your mother were to berate you for it? Sounds like she'd do that anyway, might as well give her a good reason I'm thinking. After all, it's NOT about mean hateful mom, it's about the beloved uncle.

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score 4 · Answer 4

Why do you care, if Mom or brother finds out? You set boundaries for a reason, abuse. I say go see your uncle, who you love, say goodbye. It might be your last chance. If any one wants to know why your aren't visiting mother, tell the truth, emotional blackmail and verbal abuse. It is thier shame not yours.

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score 0 · Answer 5

Thanks Deb, my place is 11 hours by car away. My cousin wants to have a get together with family while they are in my mother's home state. My cousin has asked me to come and visit with my uncle. I could go and visit with my uncle without anyone since he is not invited to stay with my mother but there is a great probability mom would find out about it. Then there would be much poor "pitiful me" and "no one love me", etc.

Deb, it's been years of dealing with an empty suit as far as my mom is concerned. She doesn't want me to visit but wants to nail me to,the cross for not visiting. This is what I deal with. I thought I was all over their meanness and drama but I still have much hurt and anger. And just can't seem to face looking them in the eye.

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score 2 · Answer 6

Can you not visit with your uncle and cousin at a restaurant without your mother or brother? Or have them over to your place?

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I have for the past six years set boundaries with my Mom and brother. What should I do?

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