How do I tell my Dad that it's getting too much to care for him at home now?

Please remember that 30% of caregivers die before their charges, like my Aunt who took years to be persuaded to place my uncle with dementia in memory care. She died of a massive heart attack shortly after he was placed. He lived happily for another 3 years. We think we are in indispensable and indestructible. In fact, we are disposable and replaceable ; unless we take care of ourselves, no one is going to volunteer to do so.

Say it to your father just like you said here----"It has become too much to take care of you at home & I just can't do it anymore. You are getting hurt, your mobility is very poor, & I don't want you to continue to get hurt on a daily basis. You need more help than I can give you at home."

Nobody wants to go into a facility---it is normal to want to stay in their home & fight to do so. When it becomes more of a risk for their safety than it is safe for them, it is time to make a decision.

I would like to suggest that you speak to his doctor privately and ask for his support in this decision. Then set up an appointment for your father and go with him into the exam room. On the doctor's 'strong recommendation' (which will have been pre-determined from your earlier visit), you will have good reason to place him where he can get the very best of care. And YOU won't be the 'bad guy' - you're doing as the doctor recommended. I wish you the very best!!

My husband has PSP - it is a very exhausting disease. He is nice to everyone but me. He fell in December and broke 6 ribs - I passed out in his hospital room from exhaustion in front of his children. Have gotten almost no help from them. He recently changed his POA to his son because he was scared I would put him in a nursing home. There has been no thought from any of them to come to me and say , I can see you are very tired - this is very hard, what can I do to help? His son has control / power now but has not volunteered to stay even one night so I can get some rest.
I am sorry you are going thru this - I understand your concerns.

The fact that you ask this question hints at weakness in your attitude. Lack of resolve? Guilt? Waiting for your father's permission? Fear of the unknown? All perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Your question also indicates you know the answer which is that you can't manage taking care of him at home any more. So, the only thing missing is action and I suspect the sooner you take it, the better it will be for everyone.

Blessings to you all during this difficult process.

My sympathy to you for this tough situation. No one wants to go to a nursing home and your father is no different. Everyone who places a loved one in a nursing home inevitably feels some guilt. Recognize that sometimes there is literally nothing else you can do. Your father sounds as if he is at terrible risk, so in a sense you must take steps as his caregiver to make sure he is protected from injury. You may find that your father may well come to accept that he needs more care than you can realistically provide. This doesn't mean he will like being in a nursing home -- although some patients do adjust -- but he may understand that you are doing what is best for him. Elderly people often become "egocentric" -- not selfish, but understandably they focus on themselves and their own problems and their need to be at home in their final years, and may not think as much as they should about their caregivers and their particular problems. It is not selfish if you have to take care of yourself and your own needs because dad just doesn't understand.

So how do you tell him? Gently and with love, making clear that you're not trying to "get rid of him" but that you're worried about him and the pain he will feel if he continues to injure himself. Explain how your own health is threatened. Hold his hand and just explain things as best you can. You can also make the point that you could be considered a neglectful caregiver if you didn't take action to keep him from being injured at home. I don't know what your father's mental state is, but often simple logic will help them see reason. One suggestion is to not tell him that the situation will be permanent -- even if it will be -- so he can have some hope of coming home if he "gets better."

Good luck.

Try reverse psychology on Dad.... tell him you need HIS help and what would he recommend. That way if he recommends hiring people to come in to help, tell him that would be a great idea.... or if he says maybe it is time for him to move into a home, another wonderful idea.

I have read on these forums that it is best not to say *nursing home* because our elders have a different concept about a nursing home compared to what we know.... many of these home are bright and cheery with a lot of friendly faces and helpful personnel.... some elders think those homes are dark, dank, and no one smiling because of what they heard on the news 40 years ago.

Thanks to all who responded. I have a very close relationship with my dad, we have always been very good mates. I was asked why I live in dad's house, well dad has lived with me and my family for the last 13 years. First with his diabetes, then then Parkinson's and now with PSP. We have been in his home for the last 2 years as we were renting previously. I took care of dad.
Also all dad's paperwork is in order, I am enduring power of attorney, so that's all organised. I speak to my brother and sister and they both have no second thoughts about putting dad in a home. They have never really had much to do with dad since mum died 20 years ago. So it's just me and my family. I know I will do what's needed, it's just very hard. I'm all he's got and I don't want to make him sad. Thanks again to all. God bless

Carebill, I agree with you, not every elder will get the best of care at home.

Not everyone is cut out to be a Caregiver, no different than not everyone is cut to be a brain surgeon, or a State Trooper, or a Construction worker. We all have different sets of skills, but not all those skills relate to caring of an older person. It would be like starting a brand new career without an ounce of training with no one to watch over you to make sure you are doing everything correctly. How many of us who are in our late 50's, 60's and 70's have the energy to learn a new career?

Look for help to come into the home. I found help from the local Christian newspaper. Pray pray pray for your help needed and for his healing. Jesus didn't die on the cross for his children to live anything but an abundant life. If there is no money for private pay, call your local social worker who deals with the eldery. Funds are available for pay.