My wife (75) is shows signs of dementia. She refuses to go to her doctor. How do I get her in the car and to the doctors?

There are some physicians who still make house calls. This may be an option. I would try to locate a physician who specializes in seniors, who is willing to address the physical and mental needs of your wife. It sounds like your wife may have some underlying depression, which can sometimes manifest as dementia symptoms. Your wife may be more receptive to other help if she has the appropriate medication/therapy management needed.

jerry, you sound as though you are at wits end, and I cannot blame you, if she is refusing everything you're telling us, including bathing, then she must be battling you at every turn. The not bathing part is the clue to the deteriation of the brain as they forget how to bathe or think they just did. Hopefully if there's children involved that could come & stay at your home for a weekend to get a second opinion on what you think is going on, if not a close female friend will do. You need to talk to your Doctor, not the therapist for information on how to handle the situation. No one will just step into the middle of this, so it's really up to you. You need to get yourself mentally stable to handle this unless you are willing to come up with $6000-$8000 a month to place her somewhere where she will get help. God bless & just take it one step at a time & call your PC Dr Monday Morning, but not in front of your wife.

My mother was same way. First I had to gain her trust by talking with her along the lines that her forgetfulness was something that I did too. I misplaced my car keys or I put a piece of mail somewhere not paying attention and then could not find it. I also called her dr and left messages with the receptionist prior to a visit giving info that I could not say to the dr in front of my mother. Many PCP are not willing to diagnose dementia and in those cases you may need to see a geriatric dr for a complete work up including see a neurologist. The hardest part is that you may just have to ride things out until your mother can be diagnosed as mentally incapacitated ...sad to say and it also depends on if she has a DPOA and how it is written...some are springing (like my mother's)..meaning we could do nothing until she was determined to be incapacitated.

I favor Sunnygirl1's approach. Don't try to talk her into seeing a doctor on the basis that she might have dementia or that there is something wrong with her, but try to finesse her into it on some other pretext. Let the doctor know what your real concerns are but give your wife a plausible reason that she can accept. Maybe it is a new requirement or offer to get a baseline checkup at age 75 to help with future care. Anyway you can get her there, do it!

Maybe in some cases an intervention as nhmom36 describes would work. I doubt very much that would have helped with my mother. Her main coping mechanism has always been denial. To this day she doesn't "know" that she has dementia, even though she is in a nursing home for it.

Getting help from the Office of the Aging as Pam suggests in another good approach.

When you hit on something that works, please share. We learn from each other.

Call the Volusia Office of the Aging, 351 Andrews St, Ormond Beach, FL 32174
(386) 672-4146. They will send help to you.

The first issue may also be who has Power of Attorney. Has she appointed someone? Is she still able to do that now? If not, that would be difficult to get put in place after she gets a diagnosis from the doctor of dementia. You might get some legal advice on that.

The issue is that if she is not obviously in decline at the doctor, he may miss it. It's amazing how on some days they seem to be doing so well. If you didn't know how they really are they could fool someone. So, it's important that you be able to tell the doctor what's really happening. Make a list so you'll have it handy.

I did that with my cousin. I explained to her that we had to see the doctor about her monthly check, just to get the medical clearance. It made sense to her and she had no problem going.

I explained o the office manager before the appointment why we where there. It was for her regular medications, but also to get the doctor to complete a form that she needed to get into assisted living to help her with her meds, since she could not remember to take them or care for herself.

Would she go for an insurance form, free consult offered to seniors, etc.
The doctor will examine and then just chat about what's going on with her. Then the doctor may ask certain questions, such as the date, time, location, who's president, where did she attend college or high school, describe medical history. etc. These seem easy, but my cousin could only answer one, so completing the form was easy for her doctor.

Do you have children or does she have siblings/fiends that could be called together for an intervention session with her, similar to the type used ti get alcoholics/addicts into treatment? Perhaps listening to a group of people she loves and respects will convince her to seek help. She may be becoming distrustful of you as her mental capacity declines. But, hopefully she will listen to others. Good luck.

Do you have the same doctor? Can you ask her to come with YOU to your doctor's appointment? What kind of pills is she supposed to be taking?

The lack of bathing can be a sign of depression as well as dementia. Do you live in a senior community that might have a social worker who could come to the house to evaluate her? If not, then maybe her doctor could order an in-home evaluation. I'm sure there are other's on this board that will have other suggestions. Please keep up posted on your progress and hers! Welcome!