How to help when they refuse or won't ask for help?

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DestinyFox Asked October 2014

How to help when they refuse or won't ask for help?

My Mother has a hard time walking, and recently started at home infusions. She recently (about a month ago) beat Cancer, so she is still weak.

If we ask to help her, she says she doesn't need help, and when we try to just help without asking she refuses. She has fallen a few times in the home, and in public. I am trying to find a middle ground here. The risk of falling is still high, but if she keeps refusing help, and getting agitated when we do help, how are we supposed to help? I don't want her to become dependent, so a part of me does like that she wants to do things on her own, but it worries me so much that the next fall could be a bad one.

Any help or advice on handling this would be appreciated.

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score 1 · Answer 1

Pretty common for them to resist help when trying to maintain what little independence they still do have. We have tried all sort of things and that which works best is if when I start one thing,(say, vacuuming) I ask Mom if she would help out by sweeping up the kitchen (linoleum) . But I don't think it stays the same from day to day. just as with a child. Keep trying!! Great idea to try a schedule. Esp. since many of us thrive on schedules!!

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score 2 · Answer 2

DestinyFox, a cane is better than nothing, but she will still fall even using a cane. Canes have their limitations depending on the reason they are being used, even the 3 footed ones. When my Dad uses his rolling walker he doesn't fall.... when he uses his cane, oops.

As for that rolling walker, for a several years Dad refused to get one because 'that's for old people' [Dad's 93] but once a physical therapist said he needed to buy one, that changed everything, I had to rush out and find one. It helped that the physical therapist was a tall attractive blonde ;)

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score 2 · Answer 3

Do you realise that a cane will not help her at all if and when she has another fall? A walking frame might possibly save her from falling, but it will help her feel safer. I hate to say it, but she only needs one bad fall and the situation will be so different.

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score 2 · Answer 4

That is marvellous that she has overcome cancer. Don't ask her if you can assist her in any way, it is all she needs to refuse. Sit beside her one day, and say quietly 'I am going to help you to do this. I think you need some help, don't you?' See how that approach goes, you haven't given her a choice, in a nice way. All the best.

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score 0 · Answer 5

fregflyer: No she doesn't use a roller walker, but we did manage to get her to use a cane that has the 3 prongs at the bottom. It helps a bit, but she still insists on doing everything.

Countrymouse: That is exactly what we have said, including her Dr. that was handling her Care during her fight against Cancer. He told her that she was on a 'scale' and that scale determined how well she progressed during Chemo, and after. That each fall would put her behind, and that isn't what she wants to happen.

I think I will bring up a setting up a schedule with her, and see how that is handled. It does seem like a good idea, thanks for that!

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score 3 · Answer 6

I am delighted to read that your mother has overcome her cancer. Handing her lots of medals, could you perhaps propose a convalescence schedule setting out a timetable of help in her home that tapers off as she - God willing - continues to recuperate and regain her strength? If she looks on help as part of a planned continuing recovery programme rather than a "poor little invalid" pity party, perhaps she might resent assistance less. Reassure her that the whole point of support at home is to make sure that she stays at home and doesn't wind up in a Nursing Home with a broken hip.

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score 2 · Answer 7

I believe anyone who loses their independence [young or old] will get upset if someone wants to help... the person wants to feel they can still do everything on their own, and they will keep trying to prove it until they hurt themselves.... and then, and only then, will they realize they do need some help.

Does your Mom use a rollator walker? Since I got my Dad such a walker he feels MORE independent :)

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How to help when they refuse or won't ask for help?

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