How to find caregivers for a woman (90) who is mentally ill and very abusive to her sweet tempered husband (92)?

Sounds like a lot of untreated mental illness. But why on earth would the daughter not separate mom and dad? They probably make each other worse.

Interesting situation. The daughter is in minnesota and has cameras on her parents, with a caregiver, and has audio too. She witnesses all of this, and the caregiver in my opinion is abused by the daughter. The daughter calls about 7 times a day after she has seen the way the caregiver of 4 years deals with a certain situation.

I am completely not going to go anywhere near this situation, but I cannot believe it is allowed. They are not in the memory care unit, the mother was so severely mentally ill when her three girls were growing up that the daughter said, she would never bring anyone home, because they never knew.

I my opinion all three daughters are very PTSD from this, and there is one daughter that lives near them, and the caregiver states she has issues. (who wouldn't)…. so my goodness, of course I won't touch this. Actually the caregiver called me and said, do not take this, you are too good and it will distort you, first the mother, and second the daughter invading into your work, and calling you, and telling you what you should be doing.

Caregiving jobs are hard, they are impossible when the daughter has a type A personality and does nothing but stare at her iPad and see her caregiver and the parents. Many times the parents cannot go to dinner and have to have it called in. because the mother is so verbally abusive and physically to.

Why is the caregiver putting up with it? That is the question of the year, and why many things, but I will NOT be a part of this. That is for sure.

Debbie; I"m shocked to hear that they are actually in a facility and that this sort of thing is allowed to go on. Is there no one within the facility to advocate for the mother being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Or the father being kept safe from his wife's alleged abuse? Is the daughter (possiliby mentally ill herself) preventing this from happening? I agree with Pam and Jeanne; you don't want to get yourself involved with this family.

I want to thank both of you for the outstanding comments on this position.

It is always hard, after a client passes away 10/6, to move on, and really it requires sometimes passing things through aging care.com.

Both of you are right on, and the daughter is I believe very emeshed in the situation .

She stated when she was younger that all of her siblings took an incredible amount of abuse from their mother, and yet, why would she want to subject innocent people to that.

One thing I will tell you, she did contact one of my contacts and say "her mother has gotten better", when meeting with the current live in caregiver, she said in the last two weeks, the mother has thrown something at her, hit her, scratched her neck.

I worry about the man. He is so innocent now, with dementia, and you are completely right, "co dependent to the core" the daughter stated her father is the ultimate statement of "unconditional love" that seems to me to be a very twisted statement.

Do not get me wrong the daughter is put between a rock and a hard place, but then again, how many of us whom are in this situation such as myself with my parents are not.

If she lives in Minnesota, and the care and they reside in Washington state, who would I contact? Someone in Minnesota, or Washington.

I find it odd, that the place where they live have them in the assisted living portion and not the memory care. They can never take her to the dining room, because of her terrible bouts with anger. She needs lithium.

But, unfortunately for them, I am "running" not walking, and another woman approached me, and lives believe it or not one floor above, is 74, sweet as can be and needs someone to be with her 20 hours a week, and this family had no issues with my pay.

That is the other thing about the daughter. I gave her the rate, and she lowered it by $13.00. Really, and yes pay for private care in Washington State for this type of care is between $20.00 - $25.00 per hour, and that is being an employee with all taxes taken out. It is hard work, and to me, it is frustrating to hear of all the people that work so hard for $12.00.

Thank you for the absolute Golden Advise!

Debbie

You are right. It is more than a little late to work on the couple. This has been a dysfunctional relationship from way back. The poor daughter is doing the best she can to oversee their care from a distance, and it is the distance and sense of responsibility that cause her to want audio and visual monitoring. You are also right that this is no satisfactory job for you. You may be the best caregiver in 7 counties, but you are not a marriage counselor or a psychiatric therapist. This is beyond your job description.

Mother has been mentally ill with severe mood swings all her adult life. I feel sorry for her. It is very sad if she has never had the opportunity of mental health care. Father has probably been co-dependent all of his marriage and now has dementia. I feel sorry for him. This is Not Your Problem. And, in my opinion, it is not the daughter's problem, either. She should turn management of their care over to a professional case manager, and simply oversee that they get good care -- not by listening to every word spoken in their home and micromanaging day-to-day care, but by ensuring they get appropriate placement in quality care centers, and advocating for them through the case manager.

What you should tell her is that 1) you could not in good conscience accept a job that really requires more than caregiver skills, 2) you are not sure than any in-home caregiving situation is going to work out, and 3) suggest she contact their country social services department (as pamstegman says).

You were there for an interview, I assume. Did you actually see any abuse, or did you learn of it from the current caregiver? Explain to the daughter that when you do accept a job you honor your obligation to report abuse to authorities. That may help her understand the seriousness of the situation.

I feel sorry for everyone in this scenario. I am glad you are not putting yourself in an untenable situation with them.

Tell the daughter she might want to enlist the local county social services to help get the parents to separate, safe facilities. And then report the abuse / domestic violence to them yourself.
I don't care if the wife is 200 years old, that does not give her the right to abuse anyone.