Why does my Mom (89) expect me to shoulder all of her care instead of asking my brother for his help too?

Jeanne has it right. Your brother is not going to change, your mother is not going to change, as long as you refuse to change, the situation will continue. But really, do you have a gun at your head? You can say NO! and learn to like yourself for doing it.

Why do you agree to shoulder all of your mother's care?

Mom can "expect" any thing she care to. That doesn't explain why you make the decisions you do.

glonorth, sign her up for a month in respite care. If she refuses to go , then you should. Three good meals, bus trips, activities, entertainment. Like going on a cruise.

Isn't it funny how one sibling always seems to shoulder the care of their aging parent. Raise your hand if you are or were that person.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from my sister telling me all her news and then "oh by the way, how is mom?" You know what I felt like saying. Get your a** to the nursing home and find out. But I stopped myself. It just isn't worth it anymore to me to get into it with my family.

glornorth59, good heavens, months ago you were ready to move out of your Mom's house, have your son and his fiancée take care of your Mom, and you rebuild your life by having your own apartment and finding employment. Changes aren't going to happen unless you make those changes.

Of course you are tired, actually more likely exhausted. Has your brother indicated at any time he thought Mom should be in a continue care facility instead of living in her own house? If yes, then of course your Mom will want you to care for her 24/7 instead of going into a facility, Mom isn't going to ask your brother to help. It's time for you to finally put your foot down and say enough is enough, time for Mom to go into the next chapter of her life and be around people of her own generation.

One out of every 3 Caregiver passes on leaving behind their loved one. If you pass on, then what? I bet your brother and your son will have Mom in a nursing home where she will probably live for many more years.... and you will be gone
:(

glor, I know what you mean. Mothers are a lot more comfortable asking daughters for care than sons. I think it is both a gender and a tradition thing. The only thing we can do is decide how much we can do for our parents, then stick to it. Even doing part of it can be exhausting. It is hard to live life for two people.