How do I deal with my bedridden grandmother's ramblings?

We take so much for granted here in the US. Other countries dont' share our use of medications, our treatment of the old, sick, and infirm. Even the dying process is very different.

I understand a little bit because where my family is from (southern US), it is outrageous to send your parents into a care home unless they are very near death. People do it, but there is a big stigma. In the community my mother is from, I was supposed to quit my career, stop paying my bills, leave my husband and children to move back in with her and do everything by myself until the day she dies. Ridiculous - I'm 43 and this could go on for many more years. I just said that those aunts ask too much and have not listened to any opinions since, but it is not so easy for others or Aleeza I imagine. I don't have to depend on any of the family I've angered for anything at least.

Aleeza, if they won't give your grandmother sleeping medication, can you get it for YOURSELF? One of you has to sleep. If you can sleep somewhere else, like in a different house, that would be best for you. If you can get a neurology specialist to see your grandmother, or even a dementia expert, they might handle this very differently than the local doctors. Very differently. I found that to be true here where I am! My mother's little country doctor was not treating her conditions correctly - just the easy way - because he didn't have the knowledge on what to do and wasn't going to find out. She was getting worse & worse. I just took her somewhere else and had much better results.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out to demand help. Every single person in the family and up & down the street needs to have a rotation to help you out with care for Grandmother, housekeeping, cooking, and giving you respite.

pamstegman is right on, as are many others here. hospice/ palliative is the way to go. i understand the MD resistance to sleep aids, but it is obvious at this point that sleep is not going to come "naturally" to her. talking/ rambling/ yelling all night is absolutely exhausting, for her AND for you. And if you come from a culture or family that might frown up on outside care locations, well then, that culture/ family should never have left it all on your shoulders to do this yourself, and should be providing support in home to you. No one can do this alone. No one. Talk to doc about hospice/ palliative at home. Those docs understand comfort care and will give the meds to make that happen. Seroquel may be a good option here - doc would know for sure….good luck to you and take care of you.

This screaming may be the stage of Alzheimers n or dementia that your grandmother is going through and if it is it should pass.
The cause can be fear, pain or simply a need for physical contact.
Perhaps she uses the screaming as way to express herself?
Perhaps a way to keep someone close by her?
It's a trial an error kind of solution for you but try these:
Say nothing but hold her hand, or stroke her forehead until she quiets.
Music may work as well.
A cuddly toy or very soft blanket.
Sit by her bedside and read softly to her.It won't be what you read that's important but the sound of your voice which reassures her she is not alone.
A little snack of some sort before bed.
Try to schedule her bedtime while you close by doing dishes in the next room, or folding clothes close by so that she can hear you moving around.
If she is religious you might try praying with her before bed.
Keep your courage.All things pass.It's hard but we learn from it.

@pamstegman, freqflyer & sandwich42plus: Thank you for your kind replies and after going through this forum I decided what I am doing is not humanly possible, and today I did ask my parents to help me, in terms of getting help in form home care-giver, without feeling guilty. And after talking to them I realized they feel guiltier than me for having me to deal with situation.

@sandwich42plus: I do not live in US and cultural boundaries here in my country are pretty strong. There are not many nursing homes certainly not which specialize in dealing with Dementia. And I am touched with your offer to help. Thank you.
PS: You said people who haven't lived in this situation dont understand its complications but most of the times, they are the people who have most opinions about 'how things should be done' which want me kick them even they mean good.

@Litldogtoo: If my grandmother touches 100, I will be 40 which actually is a scary thought. And if I may add, you should consult this situation with your mother's doctor as eating refrigerated leftovers and trying to eat rotten food were sadly considered as indication of fast deteriorating mental health in my grandmother's case.

Thank you all, your replies meant a lot to me in a difficult time. Hugs.

Litldogtoo, I am scared, too. My Mom's sister lived to be 100, that sister's son [only child] was her Caregiver, and he's now in his late 70's and never had a fun day of retirement.... now it is too late because of his own age decline health issues, plus his mother-in-law is still alive, now 100 and still living on her own.

How ironic, that son and his wife sold their beautiful single family home that they had saved decades for and had to move into a condo in a retirement village.... he couldn't keep up the maintenance on 3 single family homes, but the Moms continued to live in their single family homes :(

Hey Frequent ...stop scaring the h*ll out of me...if my mother lives to over 100 I'll be hitting 70. And her doctor told her she is healthy (body) she can live to be 100!

Last night she was up again! And this morning she tried eating rotten food that I had left IN THE SINK to throw away! I now had a headache, neck ache, you name it, it aches. She's in there watching The Chew.

Aleeza - I understand what you are saying about the cultural obstacles you face. Where are you?

HOWEVER, you can't be driven to your own hospital bed or grave over this. Family, neighbors, people from the community and church/temple MUST STEP IN TO HELP YOU - NOW NOW NOW. They need to sign up for shifts, so you can sleep all night. Making you do this alone is cruel. That's what the extended community is supposed to do, right? They need to sign up to bring in food to the house as well, to make sure you are well nourished.

It can't be both ways - grandma gets no sleeping medication, must stay at home, and you stay up non-stop caring for her until you fall over. Lack of sleep will make you out of your mind and it WILL become dangerous for both of you. Not maybe - definitely.

I would call my church leader and explain the hardship you are under and ASK FOR RELIEF. Many people who have never lived through this have utterly no idea, and won't until they come face to face with it. Have that person come over for a visit to see in person how you both suffer.

Call in the aunts, the cousins, the neighbors. Anybody willing and able who can come in for any amount of time.

And if that doesn't work, we will have other ideas for you if we know where you are.

Sending peace & comfort.

Aleeza, you need to take the first bold step to place your grandmother into a continuing care facility. For your own well being, otherwise this will age you very quickly, and chances are you will never see the age that your grandmother had reached.

You are not alone with the thinking that a parent or grandparents should be cared for at home. But times have changed. Decades ago it was stay-at-home women who did the caring, and they were much younger because the elderly didn't live as long as they do now [there were exceptions].

Now a days we hear of grown children who are in their late 70's and early 80's trying to care for parent(s) who are in their early 100's.... that in itself is an impossible task. Thus parents will outlive their grown children.

At this point I would do everything to make her comfortable and da-- the side effects. Hospice should be in the picture to help you and help her. They will give meds the MD's are afraid to give.

@freqflyer, jeannegibbs & JessieBelle: Thank you for replying and what you said make sense but I belong from a culture where there aren't many nursing homes because admitting your elderly in nursing homes/care centers is quite frowned upon (which I hope will change in future). In a year, I had help for a few months but problem still stands i-e when she is not sleeping she is speaking continuously. And we have taken multiple opinions about her sleeping pattern but no doctor wants to prescribe her sleep medication, they want sleep to come to her naturally. Its so painful to see her speaking like this.
So the conclusion I drew from your replies is, what she is suffering cannot be helped but I should rely more on care-givers rather than doing everything on my own.
@ Litldogtoo: Thank you for your reply. I try to make her comfortable physically to the best of my ability. I tried music and television approach but it didn't help. She couldn't comprehend either. And I hate dementia too, and I am really not liking how its affecting people concerned. I hope your mother keeps finding comfort in music.

This is a difficult situation. I found myself asking which was worse -- the chance of the ischemia worsening with sleep medication or the lack of sleep by her and people around her. Have you considered bringing hospice in for palliative care? The quality of your grandmother's life is so poor, and it seems it will not get better. I worry that the suffering for her and for you are great. If you feel it is time, hospice may help you sort through the hard questions and help your grandmother find some peace in her remaining time here on earth.

Oops...see, I should read more carefully! :)

You write: "She is 87 years old and is bedridden for a year now, she cannot eat herself, has very little mobility of limbs"

Well, now my question is do you think she's comfortable? I can't imagine being trapped in my body like that and I certainly hope this is not what my mom is thinking. She's mobile but she can't verbalize very well. I can't imagine being up 24 hours answering the same questions over and over again. I can't even imagine having to ask the same question over and over again.

Each night I play music for my mother. I set up a CD player in her room room and before bedtime, I tuck her in and give her a kiss on the forehead. Then she tells me what 'music' she wants, i.e., in the form of either a 'man' or a 'woman', I(she's not very verbal) Tonight, she's listening to Nat King Cole. I like to think it helps her falls asleep. Would this help at all? I know it's not much, but it's a thought.

I hate dementia, both for what it does to the person and the people around them!

You state 'Her neurologist does not give her any sleeping aid in fear that her cerebral ischemia could worsen by it.'

Is the damage to her brain reversible, i.e., if she is not given this sleeping medication, will she get better or have brain cells been compromised? I guess I'm asking is there hope she will improve and lead a normal life again?

If that is the case, can she be taken to a rehab center where they can care for her until she is better?

Aleeza, you have to get some sleep. A zombie caring for a bed-ridden person is not a good scenario.

1) Discuss with her doctor if there are sleeping aids that would be least likely to worsen her condition. How about melatonin? Benedryl? Certainly you do not want to drug her causing adverse reactions, but not being able to sleep is pretty detrimental to health also.
2) Hire a caregiver for 6 hours a night during which time you sleep! In the NH my mother calls out for her relatives in the night. The staff person on duty goes in, makes sure she is dry and comfortable and says "Your daughter is asleep right now, and you should be too. It is the middle of the night." You need someone to do that for Grandma.
3) Not being able to sleep through the night is one of the leading reasons persons are placed in care centers, with three shifts of people to attend to them. Is it time to think about that for grandma?

From what I have read here on this website, what your grandmother is doing is very normal. You have to remember that her mind isn't thinking clearly so she doesn't remember she had asked you the same question over and over. Sad to say there isn't much you can do. Other posters here might have ideas about different meds that may or may not work.

I realize you probably aren't getting a good night sleep yourself. It might be time to see if it would be better for your grandmother to go into a continue care facility where there are workers who care for 8 hours, then go home and return to their next shift refreshed. Then the next 8 hour shift takes over, and after that another 8 hour shift. If you are your grandmother's sole caregiver, you will yourself doing all three 8-hour shifts yourself with zero breaks, that 168 hours a week. Are you ready to do that for several more years?