How do I deal with a sibling that wants to just sit and visit and not do any caregiving for elderly parent?

Could be some siblings don't want to rock the boat for whatever reason, or they are afraid to help out, that they might do something wrong. Some could have more on their own plate then we realize.

Maybe it is time to ask that sibling directly why aren't they helping out and to be honest with their answers.

SO PISSED right now! I have to vent right now or I am going to lose my mind. My mother has been home from the hospital for 2 weeks now. Since then she has acted like she can't understand or follow simple directions, didn't know how to answer the phone or even call if she had to go to the bathroom. I would constantly be up and down the steps seeing if she had to go. But when my brother's are here she is able to engage in conversation and understand what they are saying. She was even understanding operating the DVR. I am so pissed that she is "playing" my sister and I, and for what reason I do not know. I even see how she can engage with the visiting nurses, PT and OT, but with my sister and I she has to be told everything to do and constantly asked what it is she needs or wants, and even then does not articulate and we still are trying to guess. Right now I am thinking about moving out and letting one of my brothers move in with her since she does so well with them. Thank you for letting me vent.

At this point (soon to enter year 5 of my caregiver's odyssey), I would love it if family would come by to just sit and visit with my elderly parent. But, I do know what you mean about wanting/needing more involvement.

As others have said, it's best to be specific about how your elderly parent could use your sibling's help. If you don't make progress with that, move to plan B, which in my case means forgetting the siblings and finding outside help, either volunteer or paid. It's taken me a long time to get to this stage, but now that I am here, I feel liberated from the negativity and resentment that surrounded my constant longing for my siblings to do more. Of course, I still have my moments, but overall I try to ditch the negativity as much as I can and just focus on what it is I have to do and need to do to keep juggling.

Some siblings just don't "get it" or don't want to "get it". Some just don't have it together enough in their own lives and should not be caregivers, period. Some siblings may not make good caregivers even if they were willing to give it a try.

If they are able to drive there and get to the house I would meet them at the door ,hand them a simple list of things they are capable of doing, I mean they did drive a car there, and RUN for your car before they realize you left,also I would put your phone on vibrate for a while.

I'm the kind of person who senses when someone isn't interested in helping. I have no patience for them, but if you want to get them to do something, then I would ask them to do it.

For example, I might say, "Since you get off work early on Fridays, would you pick up dinner and bring it for mom that day? Just be here with her dinner by 5:00." They can agree or refuse.

Or you might say, "I want to set up a time just for you and mom every other weekend for 4 hours. What time would you like to come and stay with her on that day? I've arranged to get my shopping done during that time so I won't be here." These are just examples. Pick what you need and ask specifically. If they give an excuse they can't do one thing, then move to plan B.

If they keep declining your suggestions, then ask outright, "Then what can you do? Mom deserves your input in her life and you make the decision of how you are going to do it." You can say it in a nice way of course.

Some people are just dense and don't get it. Others are lazy. I don't have the patience for them.

What kind of help is it you need? How about "I'm going to run to the store/ have a nap while you two visit" or "would you mind feeding Mom her lunch while I put in a load of laundry?" Assign little specific tasks that you know are within their capabilities. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, and resenting your sibs because of that seems pointless to me. My sis is constantly telling me "I couldn't do what you are doing". I respect that, this has been my choice, it is my journey. My sis would have had to put Mom in a nursing home, and I know that option is still there if her care becomes too much for me. I really feel for the people on this site who can't afford help, but the rest of us are doing this for other reasons and need to own the choices we have made.