She wants my sister and I to be her entertainment. Mom is 89 and lives alone. My sister and I live nearby but we both work. I manage get mom out of the house 2 or 3 times a week for lunch and shopping. My sister picks her up after work at least 4 times a week, takes her to her house, feeds her dinner and then takes her home. Mom calls me frequently so depressed because she is sitting on the couch watching tv. She says nobody cares. She says she just wants to die. She also says she will shoot herself. At this statement I inform her that she doesn't own a gun. The thing is, we try to get her interested in senior center activities etc. but she doesn't want to go. We really don't know how else to amuse her. Comments welcome.
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Mom is either depressed and won't address the issue or has a personality disorder or both. But nothing is being done about it because she refuses help. After all it is everyone else, not her.
Anyway, until she just has a complete meltdown or something there is nothing I can do to make her happy. As my brother says, she loves a pity party anyway.
Happiness is a state of mind and there is not much someone else can do to make you a happy person if you don't or can't be.
I truly think some people, like mom, like being negative and unhappy. It is how they get attention.
I know due to her personality she will be cared for by a hired caregiver. She would kill me to be around.
My parents were assigned to the hospital front information desk for decades... they finally had to stop as Mom could barely hear anymore and Dad was having mobility problems so he couldn't walk visitors to where they needed to be. I took over their shift when they retired :)
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To be a bit facetious here -- no matter how many drugs the doctors give, if our parent was never interested in sports, they probably won't join the volleyball team. What we can do is make sure they are safe and cared for. The rest HAS to be up to them, because we can not totally live their lives.
I would bring this to the attention of her doctor, and seriously consider moving her to a geriatric specialist. They really do know more about aging than a vanilla GP or family practice doc. My moms GPs missed ALL the signs of her existing mental illness and oncoming dementia. They wrote it off to just getting older, go home, visit with some friends, go to the senior center lunch and it'll all be fine. Snap out of it.
WRONG. Things went on this way for about 15 years until I moved her across the country to go into care. Her state of mind had deteriorated to the point where she needed skilled nursing to do her meds, she needed food to be put in front of her, and she had started to refuse to do hygiene tasks. "Would not" had turned into "could not".
I will also tell you "from the other side of experience" that mom's happiness is not your burden. Nobody owns the happiness of another person. With brain changes, happiness may not be what it used to anyway. I had to learn that the hard way. I had to let that goal go. My goals for mom turned into 1-her safety, 2-her physical wellbeing and that is it.
She takes anti-psychotics now to control anger and paranoia. She takes anti-anxiety & anti-depressants too. This does not all equal happy. Mom could be in the good Lord's penthouse and still not be happy, so seeking that is a fool's errand for us.
Good luck out there & don't forget to check back in to tell us how it's going. Even if it's going great!
She says nobody cares.
She says she just wants to die.
She also says she will shoot herself."
Wow. Those statements sound like they came right off the screening test for depression.
This woman needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or at the very least a geriatrician. Has she ever been diagnosed with depression? Is she on any meds for depression? If she is, they clearly have stopped working and need to be updated.
Maybe this is manipulation. Maybe it is an attempt to guilt you into catering even more to her. Or maybe it is a genuine cry of pain because of chemical imbalance in her brain. I would not take a chance. I'd be sure she got evaluated.
I suffer from major depressive disorder myself. I can empathize with your mom. The good news -- very good news -- is that this can be treated. But the first step is getting it diagnosed.
I'm sure not a doctor and I'm not trying to diagnose your mother from a few sentences you wrote. For all I know, your mother may be narcissistic or manipulative or just bored. But I'd feel guilty if I didn't suggest the possibility of clinical depression and urge an examination.
I think your Mom is just grumbling that she's now alone, and those threats are just to guilt you and your sister to do more. I'd probably be saying the same things if I was staring at all four walls.
Moving isn't easy... but if you can get her to think it is a new adventure, a new apartment to decorate, and how she would have MORE freedom to do things, maybe she might take a peek inside on of the doors. Your Mom is of the generation where they still think assistant living are dark dank places with unsmiling faces. Some offer free lunches to people who are viewing... make a game out of it, hey it's a free lunch :)