My mother is a recovering addict who has been clean for about 5 years, but not by choice. She was weaned from the drugs by her boyfriend. Our family would like to be involved and keep up on her condition, but her boyfriend has been successful at ostracizing her from everyone for about 20 years now. I really have no idea how to move forward. She is currently living in a nursing home and her boyfriend has instructed them that we are to know nothing about her condition. We live on the other side of the U.S. and I am afraid that if she passes, or something happens, we will never know. As a child, she left us and went to live on the streets due to her addictions. She's elderly now, especially with her condition that leaves her without the ability to communicate effectively. It saddens me to stop trying to communicate with her, but it's been an uphill battle for so many years. Any advice on how to go about supporting her on a long distance basis when the boyfriend has threatened the nursing home staff if we do contact her?
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1. Get an eldercare attorney involved to get a copy of the POA and if boyfriend has not been acting in her best interests and/or violating the terms of the POA, he should be removed as POA. Most are written so the responsibilities are spelled out along with consequences for not fulfilling them. If this does not look like a strong enough case, then you should try to get guardianship. Hopefully you have documented everything possible.
2. You do not say if the abuse had been reported to adult protective serivces. The nursing home staff includes mandated reporters so it should have been. You would talk with the social worker or director of the facility about this, who would be under no obligation to tell the boyfriend you had done so. A new report can made by anyone if past ones had to be unfounded.
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It seems to me that your mother has made some life choices that did not put her relationship with her children at a high priority. That is sad. It is heartening to her that you would still like to keep in touch. Have you tried sending cards and simple messages? Maybe a few snapshots? To the extent that Mom can recognize what they are that may give her comfort. That would be only a one-way communication, but that may be as good as you can do under the circumstances.
How did you learn that Mom was in a nursing home? Do you have any contact with her boyfriend?