again thank you for your kind responses. No she does not have dementia, but is forgetful and occasionally confused. I just have to keep telling myself that she is in the best place right now and they are keeping a good eye on her. She has never been a really social person and finds it hard to make friends. She is not the type to "care take" for the other patients. The staff love her and tell us how "cute and funny" she is. so that was a good suggestion to reinforce that with her. I think no matter what we do she will not accept this. I realize that the situation is scary and unfamiliar but her being at home even with Home Health Aides is even scarier. It is just so very hard.
Oh Betty, she is so in the right place! My mom gets asymptomatic pneumonia, has developed pleural effusions, low heart rate ( needed a pacemaker pronto!). My mother used to complain ( not so much now, but in Independent Living, that the other "inmates" were all demented and she had to look out for them. I think it gave her a certain sense of purpose and importance. Don't know if your mom would care to look at things through that lens.
Does she have any dementia? Sometimes people with dementia don't recognize the situation for what it is. They don't realize how dire the situation or the constant work that is required for someone who has very limited mobility. Plus, if she's incontinent, that's another issue. They simply don't appreciate that the care they need can't be accomplished in their home with the resources the family has.
Plus, it must be strange to move to new location at that age. I can see how it could be scary. But, the staff there should be making her feel more comfortable. Maybe she'll adjust.
You don't say if she has dementia, but my loved one, who does have that, stopped resisting pretty quickly, especially after she went on an antidepressant.
One thing that I do at her facility, is exaggerate how positive others talked about her there. I really build up what the staff said about her. Like," Oh my, the physical therapist was so enthused about your effort in therapy. They can't believe how hard you work. It's coming right along or I will say that, "the nice lady down the hall thinks you are such a nice person. You are well respected in this place." I tell her that many people care about her there. I try to enforce a sense that she is well liked and respected there. My loved one probably doesn't remember it, but it makes her feel good for the moment.
thank you all for your kind words. Yes, she does need care: esp. nursing care. Serious heart condition; does not want to cook, needs help getting dressed, personal hygiene, cannot figure out her meds, slightly confused at times. needs walker and supervision to ambulate, two falls in last month. MD approached my sister at end of September and told her that mom is in need of help. Assisted living will not be enough. There are people at her facility that are actually in better shape than she is. but she is just resisting so much-it is very hard to watch. I know we are doing the right thing and she is safe and cared for. We were staying with her 24/7 for over 6 weeks and it was more than we could do. It convinced us that she needed much more care than we could provide. Plus we missed medical signs that landed her in the hospital twice in one month
No guilt!! Did you feel guilty when your toddler needed to eat his veggies? Did you feel guilty when he needed a nap? No guilt is necessary when you are seeing that either one is getting safe haven and a warm meal. You are doing what is best for them even if they don't like it. Neither one is capable of making the proper decision, so you do it for them, and know you did OK.
Betty, the reason I added that caution about making sure that she NEEDS SNF is based on experience. When my mother's cognitive abilities started to fail and her anxiety shot through the roof (along with her BP!), we moved her to an assisted living facility that other family members lived at. It was both too much and not enough assistance. We really didn't know any better; through my meanderings on this website, I found that there was Independent Living, where my mom would have 24/7 staff in emergencies, three meals aday and a doctor across the street. She was able to manage for a little more than a year in this situation, until she had a stroke. Getting the right fit can be tough, and sometimes doctors don't know the differences. If your mom is currently in the hospital, the discharge planners are sometimes real experts in this stuff. good luck!
It must be very difficult if she is complaining, but if the doctor says that's what she needs, then it's not something to debate. I guess I'm lucky, because I haven't felt that guilt. She needed it terribly and the doctor was very serious about it. I knew beyond any doubt that she needed to be placed in a place that could help her. I would have felt guilty if I didn't get her into a facility.
When they resist, in the face of obvious need, then they are not thinking clearly. That is when they need their loved ones to step in and ensure they don't make the wrong decision and get hurt.
Why not read many of the threads on this site and you will see what can happen if people in need are not properly cared for. You can also gain some confidence from reading here that you did the right things.
Oh, as the poster above pointed above said, make sure your mom actually needs a Nursing Home. Have her assessed to see what level of care she needs. If she doesn't need actual skilled nursing care every day, maybe she would do well in Assisted Living. That's different from nursing home care. I would check out the details for your state.
Betty, is your mom currently IN Skilled Nursing Care? Is that what her doctors say she needs? Or could she be maintained in say, Assissted Living. Or is it that mom is resisting the idea or the fact that she can't live at home, either alone or with help anymore?
If you've done your homework that all agree that SNF is what the patient needs, then I think the best way to think about it is that you're doing the best thing for her, although she won't/can't/doesn't see it that way. YOU know she won't be safe; YOU know that her health needs can't be met with a once a month nursing visit. She'll live longer, be better looked after and have companionship.
We take out kids to the doctor for shots, feed them vegetables and send them to school and sleep away camp. Lots of them don't want to do any of those things, but WE know that they are the best thing for our kids at THAT point in their lives. Our parents did those things for us; it's our turn to take care of them in the best way available. Caregiving a person with stroke/heart problems at home can be very tricky.
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No she does not have dementia, but is forgetful and occasionally confused.
I just have to keep telling myself that she is in the best place right now and they are keeping a good eye on her. She has never been a really social person and finds it hard to make friends. She is not the type to "care take" for the other patients. The staff love her and tell us how "cute and funny" she is. so that was a good suggestion to reinforce that with her. I think no matter what we do she will not accept this. I realize that the situation is scary and unfamiliar but her being at home even with Home Health Aides is even scarier. It is just so very hard.
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Plus, it must be strange to move to new location at that age. I can see how it could be scary. But, the staff there should be making her feel more comfortable. Maybe she'll adjust.
You don't say if she has dementia, but my loved one, who does have that, stopped resisting pretty quickly, especially after she went on an antidepressant.
One thing that I do at her facility, is exaggerate how positive others talked about her there. I really build up what the staff said about her. Like," Oh my, the physical therapist was so enthused about your effort in therapy. They can't believe how hard you work. It's coming right along or I will say that, "the nice lady down the hall thinks you are such a nice person. You are well respected in this place." I tell her that many people care about her there. I try to enforce a sense that she is well liked and respected there. My loved one probably doesn't remember it, but it makes her feel good for the moment.
sister at end of September and told her that mom is in need of help. Assisted living will not be enough. There are people at her facility that are actually in better shape than she is. but she is just resisting so much-it is very hard to watch. I know we are doing the right thing and she is safe and cared for. We were staying with her 24/7 for over 6 weeks and it was more than we could do. It convinced us that she needed much more care than we could provide. Plus we missed medical signs that landed her in the hospital twice in one month
Did you feel guilty when he needed a nap? No guilt is necessary when you are seeing that either one is getting safe haven and a warm meal. You are doing what is best for them even if they don't like it. Neither one is capable of making the proper decision, so you do it for them, and know you did OK.
When they resist, in the face of obvious need, then they are not thinking clearly. That is when they need their loved ones to step in and ensure they don't make the wrong decision and get hurt.
Why not read many of the threads on this site and you will see what can happen if people in need are not properly cared for. You can also gain some confidence from reading here that you did the right things.
Oh, as the poster above pointed above said, make sure your mom actually needs a Nursing Home. Have her assessed to see what level of care she needs. If she doesn't need actual skilled nursing care every day, maybe she would do well in Assisted Living. That's different from nursing home care. I would check out the details for your state.
If you've done your homework that all agree that SNF is what the patient needs, then I think the best way to think about it is that you're doing the best thing for her, although she won't/can't/doesn't see it that way. YOU know she won't be safe; YOU know that her health needs can't be met with a once a month nursing visit. She'll live longer, be better looked after and have companionship.
We take out kids to the doctor for shots, feed them vegetables and send them to school and sleep away camp. Lots of them don't want to do any of those things, but WE know that they are the best thing for our kids at THAT point in their lives. Our parents did those things for us; it's our turn to take care of them in the best way available. Caregiving a person with stroke/heart problems at home can be very tricky.