How do I exactly do this?

Sandy22, if anyone judges you....let ME know! I'll educate them!! 14 years of caretaking deserves hundreds of jewels in your crown....so do not let one moment of guilt enter your head! NOW you have a husband with health issues. Did your marriage vows include 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health...forsaking all others'?? That means HE comes first now. Wouldn't you like to simply coordinate your Mom's care and let others who are on duty for 8 hrs only, deal with the bathing and BMs. This way, you can visit with Mom just as her daughter....and your energy can go into caring for your husband.

You need to consult social worker and elder law attorney. Maybe get a conservatorship.
Plus you need some rest real bad.

In AZ I believe if you have been the caregiver in her home, you can continue to live in the home without paying "rent". There comes a time when you cannot continue to provide skilled nursing services 24/7. Long term care insurance paid by the state may take a few months for approval but in my state it is an easy process if there are not too many assets. Meanwhile the Agency on Aging May be able to give you steps to have a social worker and even care in your home while waiting approval for LTC

You stay in the house, and you pay the rent to her, which Medicaid factors in as part of her income. Plus you rent out her apt and that money helps pay for her care. Talk to a benefits consultant. If she goes into a nursing home, they will help you find benefits.

sandy22, oh my gosh, caregiving for 14 years, no wonder you sound so burnt out. Who on earth is judging you if you decided that your Mom would get 24 hour care, seven days a week, at a continuing care facility? I think you are doing the right thing, and probably should have done it sooner, but I know it isn't easy making that first call because I bet you were hoping things would get better.

Call your local Agency on Aging... to find it go to the top of this screen and on the blue bar going across you will see CAREGIVER SUPPORT... put your Mouse over that and a drop down menu will appear.... click on "Find Agencies on Aging". Then find your State, and then find your County. Hopefully someone there could direct you how to start.

The application of Medicaid varies by state, but I have read that adult children who care for the elder parent for at least 2 years, prior to the application, may qualify to take the house without a Medicaid lien. I'm not sure how you go about this, but perhaps an Elder Law attorney could help you. It would be worth it to get that concrete advice, IMO.

I bet some others here may know more too. I hope they can help with more info. With the holidays upon us, the boards might be slow though.

If you mom's main ailment is dementia, have you looked into what resources your state has for Memory Care Assisted Living? In some states that's handled a little differently than that for a nursing home. You might investigate and see what her actual needs are so you know what type of care she needs.

I'm sorry you feel so conflicted. IMO the only people who judge someone for getting their loved one the help they need are those who don't understand the need or do not fully appreciate the situation. Getting your mom a place where they can help her is a sign of good judgment. I just don't understand why people feel conflicted for doing that. I hope it works out for you both.