How can we deal with the guilt of being so frustrated with my grandfathers inability to comprehend even the simplest things?

Have you considered a home health aide? I have worked in this field & love it. The aide goes home each night & comes back refreshed & ready to care for the loved one of the client. I have seen burdens lifted from the family with my presence. If he is on Medicaid he will be covered. Unfortunately I now have a mom who has Dementia & denies it. It is horrible to be on this side.

Karla, also go to Youtube and watch the Teepa Snow videos about Alzheimers and how to deal with folks who have it. Blessings to you and your mom for loving your grandfather so much and trying to help him.

Thanks for all your responses. You have all been tremendously helpful. I imagined that the frustration would set in eventually but i wasnt expenting to feel so overwhelmingly dirty inside from feeling frustrated. We are trying our very best to be calm, positive and loving to him because he was always such an amazing man and did so much for each and everyone of us. We are so tired, but we are trying to lean on each other for support. Thank you all for all your kind and encouraging words.

It is frustrating. You are probably doing everything you can do. You may find some harmless tricks that will help you discharge the feelings of frustration. I do things like bump my head on the wall in another room or shoot myself with my finger pistol. For me this helps a lot. Since no one sees it, no one has their feelings hurt or knows I'm going crazy at times.

We do need to get away from it at times for long breaks. That is one of those things that are easier said than done. Many elders don't want anyone to come in, and they refuse to go to a respite home, so we can end up stuck. If others are like me, they feel mean anytime they are trying to do for themselves. It is like how could we actually be so selfish as want a few days for ourselves.

Caring for a person with advanced dementia can indeed be frustrating. It is good that your mother is with you through this. Sharing the responsibilities make it so much easier.

Please don't be so hard on yourselves. I know exactly what you mean, I'm a full-time caregiver for my grandfather who is 85 and sometimes frustration gets the best of you. I have screamed at the top of my lungs before out of pure frustration and then after I've felt guilty and cried because I know that he doesn't remember he is asking or doing something inappropriate. Please know that it is okay to be frustrated. It is okay to be angry. This isn't only a change for them, it's a change for you. You have to cope with this change as well and it's hard. My mom and I often step in for each other when our patience is wearing thin. My grandpa would FLIP if we ever brought someone different in here to help him because he hates when we do it for him, let alone a stranger. I have began writing the date and where everyone in our house is on a white board and this has helped some. It also forces him to use his brain!

For me, the feelings of sadness don't go away. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. It's literally an emotional roller coaster. You and your mothers feelings aren't unusual or anything to be ashamed of. Just try to remember that! I hope this helped some.

I really don't know how you do it! I know that I couldn't care 24/7 for a dementia patient, even with another adult around. So hats off to you both.

As Pam says, support groups are great for venting, learning and group support. Getting enough rest, exercise and healthy food is key. RESPITE is not a luxury, It's a necessity and Granddad's funds should pay for substitute caregivers.

Also, think about how to break tasks down into the smallest possible steps. It's not "brush your teeth". It's here's your toothbrush with the toothpaste on it. Hold it in your hand. Bring it up to your mouth while you look in the mirror. Touch the brush to your teeth and scrub up and down. Now you back teeth on the right. Folks with dementia often need curing to complete self care tasks like dressing, bathing. Can doctor order some OT so that you can see how it's done?

Go to an Alzheimer support group meeting. Find one at alz.org

Your frustration is normal so please don't beat yourselves up about it.

Since there are 2 of you maybe you can take turns getting away for several hours at a time.

Unfortunately, when we are caring for elderly loved ones we are often frustrated and depressed. You just have to read other stories on this site to know that. Since you're new I would suggest that you and your mom take some time to read about others situations. Knowing that you're not alone and that your feelings are normal might help.