How do I move forward in a sexless marriage?

This thread is three years old.

Have his testosterone levels been checked?

There are many ways to pleasure a woman and make her feel wanted without performing the actual act. If I loved someone I would want to do that for them. In reply to the original question I however do not judge, just my feelings.

Do you tried something like proinfomed/drug/levitra - i heard it can help even in hard situations. And give time to your husband.

I have been dealing with this issue for a very long time (think in terms of decades, not years). If the problem is low libido/ interest because of the medication he takes, it can be not only frustrating but emotionally devastating for the wife who still has a healthy interest in sex. Yes, you can understand the whys and where fors of what's going on, but it is a very hollow and lonely existence when you are yearning to be loved and cuddled. It is not simply the sex that is missing, but the feeling of closeness, of being desirable, of being wanted. We have had so many many tears and discussions over the years about why, what could I do differently, the things he could still do for me (but doesn't) and nothing ever changes. I love him, he loves me, but it is more of a good friend love. I feel the poster who said to just drop the subject and do other things you enjoy was trying to be helpful but either doesn't really understand the situation or has low sex drive themselves. After all this time it still hurts deeply. I understand he can't help how he feels, but neither can I. I have never cheated on him, but oh how I yearn for that feeling of being desired again. It hurts every day and I have to leave the room when steamy sex scenes come on TV shows or I start to cry. I have seen a therapist and his only suggestion was to leave the marriage, which I don't want to do. He is a good and kind man. It's just not the man I married and not at all what I thought I'd be dealing with. I guess my feeling is that I could better understand and deal with it if he had some sort of physical disability rather than just that he doesn't feel like it. I've talked many times with him about the things he could say and do that don't involve actual intercourse, but he is not interested and never thinks to do them. All of this is certainly no answer to your question, but just know that you are not alone. I sure wish I did know what the answer is, or that I could trade places with him so that my longing would disappear as well. It is easier to take a pill for physical pain. This permeates every facet of your life and chips away at self esteem and confidence, even social skills. I think it only seems unimportant to those who either have little desire themselves or are fulfilled and don't understand the pain of feeling cast aside.

A good urologist should be able to help directly with the physical aspects. Emotionally, it is painful and devastating for men to lose capability and they tend to blame and feel bad about themselves even though it is a physical condition, and psychological complications then kind of keep you stuck. You might find online help too, sexsci or just google sexual dysfunction spinal cord. I hope you can get him to get some help with you!

Why he do not want you? Have you talked with him? Maybe he is still ill and has to be cured.You know, sometimes erectile disfunctions happens. Talk to the medic and you will find an exit.

Ellemorris if you click on Veronica's name (to the left of her message) it will take you to her "page" where you can send her a message. There's a little box to the right, above where you type the message that says something like, "Make it a private message" or maybe just "Mark as private"...something like that. Click on that box (you should see a check mark in the box after you click on it) and your message will post on Veronica's wall and only she can read it. Hope that helps.

I understand low or no libido can come from medication. Been there, done that, still wearing the t-shirt. There is nothing I can do about it, it's the meds I take for breast cancer. Other women in my breast cancer support group are going through the same thing. What is scary is that 50% of marriages/relationships break up after a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer. That is so sad that sex was the only thing holding together a relationship, otherwise they did the men walk.... [sigh].

Ellemorris6, your hubby has no choice. I guess he could stop the pain meds to get his desire back, but would you really want him to do that? You need to put yourself in his shoes. He's the one going through 4 spinal surgeries in 4 years, he's the one in physical pain, he's the one taking the meds for this pain, he's the that is trying to please you even though he has zero desire [not his fault] trying ED pills which can create other illnesses, he's the one that is feeling he is letting you down. He's the victim here.

I would drop the subject entirely, and find other things that are of interest to the both of you, stuff that will make you both laugh. He needs to feel you will continue to be there for him. He could be so stressed out from this that he needs more pain meds to deal with it.

Hi Veronica, thanks for your reply and yes he is a veteran but his injuries are job related and not combat although he was aeromeded home from Afghanistan because of it. He also suffers from kidney stones and has just been discharged from urology as they don't seem to think his problems are urological and they are also blaming his medications along with nerve damage, so we are now waiting to see an endocrinologist. I'm sorry I've never been on a forum and don't the protocol, so not sure how to send a private message. Elle

There is no easy answer to your situation but there are many things that can be done to achieve an erection. reigniting the desire is another matter. Is his body phyically strong enough to perform the actual ac pills may not work but there are vacume devices that can pull the bllod down into the penis and creat an erection. Once achieved a tight band is placed at the base of the penis to maintain the erection. not always incredibly comfortaable for the man. Then there are injections into the base of the penis which creates a very good erection. A Dr would show the man how to inject himself and of course he has to be willing to try. There are also penile implants which entail a minor operation to install. Don't know how well they work but they do carry a small risk of infection. It may take a combination of several methods to be sucessful. your Dr is worthless on this aspect of hubby's care so you need to see a urologist who specializes in these problems. This may or may not be covered by insurance. hubby's testosterone levels also need to be checked. What is the actual cause of your husband's disability? Is he a veteren with combat related injuries? If you would like to send me a private message I do have acess to a lot of expertise on this subject

Have you talked honestly to your husband about this and how he feels (both physically and emotionally)? As Sunnygirl asked, is his lack of interest physical (low libido), or fear of injury (like men after heart attacks) or a plumbing/inability to get an erection problem?

If he's happy with the way things are, it sounds like it could be low libido or even depression, in which case there are ways that doctors can help. If he won't discuss it, can you see if he'll let you talk to his doctor about it?

His issue could be caused by a myriad of issues (depression/fear/physical inability, etc.) so you have to start figuring out where the issues lie. Does he know you still find him desirable? Does he believe that? Would he seek counseling with you?

Hi, thank you for your reply, I am new to this so not sure how it all works but I thought there might be others in a similar situation that could offer me some advice. We have discussed it with his doctor and we tried some pills but they didn't really help, the doc says that all the medication my husband takes for the pain is likely the cause of his lack of desire but he doesn't think it's a big issue. Easy for him to say, and because my husband doesn't have any desires he doesn't realise how it is affecting me, I have tried talking to him about but he feels useless as it is and I don't want him to feel any worse. Elle

I wish had some advice Ellemorris, but I'm afraid I don't. Maybe others here will though. I would imagine many people have experienced that before. Back problems, spine injuries, etc. are quite common. Have you and your husband discussed it with his doctor? Is there a medical reason he can't perform or do you think it's mental...such as fear? Maybe he's afraid to try. Regardless, it seems like you could still maintain intimacy in some way or another.

I've seen people who are paralyzed and in a wheelchair say they have an active sex life and they sometimes even father children, so I would assume there is hope. I wish you the best. There has to be some available options. You are both so young.