When she first moved in I tried to make her feel at home. I am speaking about my husband's grandmother. She had to move in with my husband my one year old and myself. I stay at home with my son, he has Down syndrome so I didn't trust anyone to care for him the way I would.so when she couldn't live alone anymore, she came to us. She is a spiteful person. She loves to get on her phone and talk loud enough for you to hear. She is always talking about me and when confronted she lies. As a result I no longer really want to have any thing to do with her. She will then act nice and toss in her snide comments. She complains that my son has too many toys I shouldn't get him any for Christmas. Things like that drive me crazy! I don't know what to do and I am miserable everyday. Some days to the point my chest hurts and my head throbs. I have to rise above all of it but I don't know how. I feel like a failure and a terrible person because I really at this point have no interest in speaking to her at all. I just want to keep my distance. She is of sound mind it's just a mean mind, from what I understand, it always has been. We can't put her in a home because it would kill my husband to do so and would end up resenting me for not being able to handle it. I am feeling pretty down these days and that is why I'm here. I need advice on how to overcome this and be comfortable in my own home again. Any help would be great but please no derogatory things. I have enough of that in my life just now.
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The other difficult thing to consider is building contingency plans for what happens as she gets worse, which unfortunately may happen. If she gets to the point of being directly abusive, which occasionally occurs as well, you really really need a Plan B. Can hubby talk about it with you, or is he really too devastated by what is happening to his grandmom to really deal at all?
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Sometimes older people feel they are the boss of everyone. A bad habit that needs to be broken. You do need to talk to your husband about the situation and he needs to find a solution. This is your home and grandma either needs to be a happy, supportive member of your family or other arrangements made. The well being of his wife takes precedence over grandma!
Hopefully you have your son involved in all the programs available to him. This will get you out of the house and interacting with other Moms. Good luck!
It is not true that when the grandmother could no longer live alone she "had" to come to you. Other arrangements could have been made, and they can be made now. If GM can be convinced (by hubby) to show respect to you and perhaps help out in ways she can mange, MAYBE that would be sufficient. Otherwise she simply will have to move out.
I think that you and hubby need to go to counseling to learn how to handle this.
Meanwhile, don't take GM so seriously. She can talk all she wants, but she really has no power, you know. For example, here are some possible responses to her complaint that your child has too many toys:
"Things have changed a lot in three generations, I guess." (This should be said conversationally -- NOT as an argument.) "When you were a child what was your favorite Christmas present?" Try to start a conversation about past memories.
"Oh GM! I think you might have misunderstood. We don't expect YOU to buy toys for Child. Hubby and I will decide what we think is best and what gives us pleasure, but we certainly aren't trying to tell you what you should do." (Again, not in the tone of an argument, but just clarifying what you are deliberating assuming about her motives.)
"Thanks for your opinion, GM. This is our first Christmas with out first child and we'll probably do a few things you would consider foolish."
Keep firmly in mind that no matter how unpleasant it is to hear her negative opinions, she has no power to make you do anything. Treat her kindly and politely but don't indicate that you are giving in to her opinions.
Your husband should be sticking up for you and setting boundaries with his GM. But don't be too hard on him. He is young and hasn't figured out his role, yet. Counseling could be very helpful for both of you.