How do I get other family members to stop expecting Mom (70) with back problems to get holiday meals, be a hotel and baby sit for them?

Hey Chicago 1954, yeah, similar thing happened when my Sis was dying. Her no good daughter showed up, going to "help" her Mom. Helped herself instead to my poor dying Sister's state card, bought candy, pop and clothes with it while poor kid died. Drugged her up, went outdoors and smoked her pot, then tried to get her boyfriend of the month brought down, they'd lost their home, (and that of her "different daddy baby), due to none payment of rent. Thought they'd just move right in and "take care of" Sis, was better than all of them staying in the one room hotel boyfriend's Grandma paid rent for next month, in order for bums not to all be homeless. So thanks for your heads up, but sadly already seen it. Yeah, I am self sufficient. Don't need anything from anyone. Learned this when I lost my wealthy executive father at 13 and had to go shovel snow, work bean fields to come up with $ for food and heat. He was cheating on my Mamma, caused us a big mess. Two cents, also thank you for your protective ideas. ;-) I don't need anyone's money, made my own. But your are really right in your thinking, have heard this from so many friends. I am just trying to do the right thing here, and protect and respect my Mother.

New2this: I am curious about your legal state in all this: do you have poa. How does your moms will stand: who are the beneficiaries?
I say this because you had better make sure you have something. Frequently, parents with a garbage kid and a decent kid, screw the decent one over and give everything to the garbage. If you have your own job and can make do for yourself, good. Otherwise mom will rationalize the kids garbage choices, leave her a lions share of the estate, thinking that you will be helped or something.
Never underestimate @@@@ people.
Watch your back and good luck. I am afraid there is little you can do about moms generosity unless you have 'all the power'.

Everyone under the sun mooched off of Mother. Once, it was her granddaughter's in laws, who were no relation to us. Grandchildren would arrive and say they were going to take care of grandma. Haha. Then, I would get calls about how bad my mother was (Incontinent, not letting them leave the house, etc.) I would say 'What on earth are you doing there?"

So, as long as your mom permits all of this, I guess there isn't much you can do.

Thanks, you guys are great. ;-) Heehee, Pamstegman, if I thought that would actually work, what a great picture. ;-) Too funny.

Wow, Countrymouse, you have been around the block. And you are dead on. I would never want such a nobel lady to feel the slightest bit useless, and I think that she does fear this. Who of us would not.

Sunnygirl1, same questions I asked myself this a.m. Especially due to a new circumstance. One of my Fave Uncles had catastrophic stroke last night, about 7 hours away. Stepfather phoned me 1st thing this a.m. and offered me all the $ I would need to take my Mamma there, to be with her Sis. Guy is Union, 30+ years, can get what ever time he needs off. I am still young, have obligations, ...why would he sit home while I take time off and take Mamma there, ...what do I do with my sweet puppy, eight months old and outgrowing her kennel, ...disappointed with him. He has many decent attributes, they have been together since I was 13, but feeling a lot like he thinks he now has a plan "A", when I have a whole set of my own things to deal with, and, to be honest, he does not. Will never let my Mamma feel like an "imposition" to anyone, as she deserves much more respect than that. She will get anything she needs, ...but if he thinks I can be bought, he's gonna find out I can be an expensive little kid. ;-) Heehee, checking into a Lincoln SUV for trip, could snow up there, will need a dog sitter, best hotels, ...(?) ;-) Geez.

Thank you kids for your support. Can't help but know, my Sissy would also be thankful to your for your help to me, too. :-)

How well do you know your niece? - I mean apart from the aspect of her that takes your mother for all she can get. Are you in a position to invite her to lunch or dinner, sit her down and spell it out?

Taking her to task is one thing, though. That's comparatively simple. The much harder part of this is nudging your mother gently towards resting on her laurels. People (usually maternally minded women) who have always derived enormous satisfaction and fulfilment from pleasing other people dread what they call "being useless" above all other fates. You and I might feel they are now entitled to rest in their rocking chairs and do nothing but knit and smile benignly on their grandchildren, but exasperatingly they won't stop leaping up to fix somebody a sandwich. You'll have to look on it as a spectrum, I suppose, and just cheer every time you can get her to give up one Herculean labour - ideally providing an enjoyable pastime of some kind to make up for it.

Call me evil, but I would tell rotten neice "Great! You can help me tackle the carpets and wax the floors" When she arrives, I would fill the carpet steamer for her and plunk my axx at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. LOL.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you laid it on heavy. GOOD JOB. I would keep the pressure on. I mean, what's wrong with this guy that you have to spell it out. It's one thing for a 25 year old to be dense and insensitive, but a grown asp man? Unreal.

Sunflo2, ha, you sound like me concerning out of state guests, and I just turned 50. We lived in a central part of country in fair sized city for over 30 years, convenient stop over point for lots of travelers on both sides of our families. Always allowed them to stay over, entertained, fed, etc. It is nice to see them, have them over, but lots easier in 30's. :-) I was never more happy than when we jointly decided to turn the guest room into a workout room about 7 years ago, smiled the whole time we drug the guest room's bed down the stairs to be discarded. :-) I made it clear, "no more guest room, but lots of great hotels in area".

Sunnygirl 1, thanks, I felt pretty alone in all this. Lots of changes to family and "dynamics". I always lived 4 hours from main groups of relatives, including my Mom. My Sis lived right near Mom, dealt with all these things. When my Sis got sick we'd been thinking of moving out of city and slowing down anyhow, so we moved near her and Mom. Wanted to be around to help Sis with her recovery and get reacquainted, instead she died 6 weeks after we settled here. Lost my other major sounding board, my Grandma, a year after that. I'm not used to being in a caregiving role, I had a business I put in tons of hours at, and never had kids, Sis had things Mom needed figured out, I was always kind of independent, tomboyish, more of a business person. Suddenly I find myself the "go to", ...without sounding my best 2 boards. You nailed my niece, she was spoiled and given everything, especially by my Mom and Stepdad, (they are well healed, and that's their only Grandchild). So hard to watch her take advantage, and then use the her kids as tools for emotional blackmail. How she turned out like that is beyond me, my Sis was a straight forward good caring person. But she did go to live with her Dad and his string of girlfriend in her late teens, think she "learned" a lot of bad things there.

Palmtrees1, wow, yes, she was raised that way. Her parents were very active in their small community, always there to help friends, neighbors, relatives with anything, no matter what. Ha-love your reincarnation plans. May I come too?

Freqflyer, I've wondered the same thing, wish that I knew the difference. If it is worth it to her, then it is up to her, short of it doing major harm, then I think I am supposed to step in? I think she does feel it is her job too though, "pay it back" as the previous generations did. Also she's retired and Stepfather still works, I think she feels guilty about that, and like she "owes" him special considerations. With my niece, (her Grand Daughter), I think she feels like she needs to fill in for my Sis, even though niece was never considerate of Sis. Really, I don't think she ever cared about her much, I think she was more a "tool" for her to use to get at the big bucks, (my folks). She was pretty rude to Sis, didn't bother with Mother's Day calls, or cards, or her Birthday, called her Dad's various girlfriends "Mom", mostly contacted her with problems, rent way over due, need a new car, etc.

Pamstegman, Ha-I had same thought about pitching in on the cooking, cleaning. On one hand she's my Mom and I haven't really been there for her much, so I am happy to help. On the other hand, kind of permitting "farce" to continue, when it needs to be addressed instead.

After absorbing all you guys shared I had a talk with my Stepdad this morning. Told him the overdoing it for the holiday was the cause behind the increased pain, increased pain med. He tried to deny, said she just hadn't been taking enough and timing was coincidental. I told him he was flat wrong, and that I wasn't going to be watching a repeat of this for upcoming holiday. Got him to understand that she can't be taking big doses of that stuff and have a good life, he agreed she'd been much better for a month, but tried to say it was due to stopping the other meds. I didn't ease up though, because he too, needs to be more realistic. Time for him to let go of some of his expectations. Ugghh, thanks you guys. Wish me luck.

My MIL was like this, loved to be the entertainment center for all comers. We finally had to tell her NO. Try not to enable her by doing all the cleaning and cooking when she agrees to this madness. Tell her NO. Discourage the greedy relatives if you can. Make them feel guilty as heck for her landing in the hospital . That's right, play the guilt card, in reverse. Whatever works.

New2this, what does your Mom think about this? Maybe to her having everyone around she enjoys it so much that all that back pain afterwards is worth it.

Or does she think it is her *job* to do all that work?

It's like we have heard before, the Mom will be on her death bed and sure enough someone will peek in the door and say "when's dinner?" :P

Your mom must feel obligated for some reason. Maybe she is a people pleaser and was raised to be one. I see some of this in my own personality and it was due to the way I was raised.

No one can change her except herself. Her husband and niece must be heartless. I have a neighbor who is worse than I am about being a people pleaser. We both laugh and say when we die we are coming back as a diva b*tch and have higher demands! ;)

New2this, OMG. Are you sure we're not related? lol This sounds like my situation with my mom, except the offenders show up any old time for anything, like meals, money, sitter, unannounced and bold as all get out. I know what you're saying.

My mom refuses to do anything but tolerate it. It's drives me crazy. I've explained that mom and dad are not able to do everything they requests, but they don't care. It means nothing to them. I'm still debating as to what to do. I have no legal authority yet....but when I do, I'll speak with them outside of her presence and instruct them to stop. My dad agrees, but will not go against my mom. To get more attention, I may take a few other siblings with me to stress the seriousness.

This problem results from children who are raised with overindulgence and no rules or responsibility. My mom contributed to this and even though it's led to these people being miserable jerks, she wants to treat the little kids the same way. So we'll have even more insensitive, self entitled jerks in the family. So sad.

If you find a solution, please post it here. Do you have POA?

Sad. Not much you can do other than straight up telling them NO and to find other lodging when they come to visit. Also, with moms permission, tell them doctors orders are no overnight visitors as she needs her strength. Lie, whatever. If you must, team up with stepdad and hustle them out after the meal or festivities. Disconnect the phone and tell them you'll see them the next day.
I'm 57 and refuse to be stressed out by lazy guests. I made it clear that everyone stays in hotel if they wish to visit. I let them know meals and tell them they are on their own for breakfast and everyone is keeping in, so don't come back over until 11am. Period. We are all in better spirits, I kick them out at 8pm and we all get some quiet time and chance to get house in order before starting all over again the next day. Keeps the family togetherness more pleasant.