Can POA be overturned and taken away from my Mom?

Your right. Absolutely right. As much as I want to be there for my grandmother 24/7 I know its not possible.I am pretty sure all these emotions I am having are from grieving for my grandfather. I have been very fortunate in my life that up until now I have never had to expierence loosing anyone close to me and I am 42. I am going to try and talk to my mother about my concerns with the medication issue with my grandmother. And pray real hard it works itself out. Thank you all for your comments and for helping me see reality. You all have been a big help for me.

Deanne, since you lived next door to your grandparents, were you their Caregiver when they needed help? Did you take them to doctor appointments, get their groceries, etc.? Just trying to get a base line here. Or was your Mom their Caregiver doing all those things?

At the stage of Alzheimer's that your grandmother now has, she will need around the clock care. And in order to do that, you will need to hire at least one or two Caregivers to each work an 8 hour shift, while you take the open 8 hour shift. Otherwise you will be putting in 168 hours per week, every day, with no time off even if you get sick with a cold or the flu. Unless your twin or other family members will roll up their sleeves to help you.

My boss' wife had Alzheimer's for 14 years until she passed. She needed round the clock care. Sadly she couldn't feed herself, or bathe, or use the bathroom on her own. Half the time she didn't even know who he was, nor recognize her own children. He hired a Caregiver for 12-hours. He took the night shift, all day Saturday and all day Sunday. There were days he was so exhausted because he got only 2 to 4 hours of sleep. And there were days he never came to the office because his Caregiver had to stay at her own home because one of her school aged children was sick.... the Caregiver was private, not through an Agency where a substitute could be sent. His wife was very calm, none combative which made her care easier in that respect... but that isn't always the case, some patients become violent and resist you helping them.

Thus, if you are able to bring your grandmother home, be 100% ready for everything.

What is your current relationship with your mother? Can you have serious adult conversations without anger and accusations? It would really be best if you and your mother together could work toward what is best for Grandmother.

Pick one topic, such as medication levels, and along with your mother, talk to the director of nursing (or the appropriate staff person, depending on what topic you pick) about what is happening and why, and what options there are for trying other approaches.

Keep in mind that your grandmother gave her daughter power of attorney. She could have chosen you. She didn't. And now your mother has to fulfill the responsibility to act on Grandmother's behalf and do what she considers best for her. Putting her in a nursing home may be best for her. Keeping her husband's death from her may be best. Or maybe these things are/were not best but it is your mother's legal responsibility to make those judgments. If you don't agree, the best approach is to discuss these issues with your mother, in a nonjudgmental way.

Do you work? Are you married? How would you be able to care for Grandmother in her home 24/7?

Mm. There are ways and ways of persuading your parents to move into a nursing home, and I must agree that the one your mother chose wouldn't be my favourite.

But, you know, people do what they think is necessary. Perhaps your mother truly felt this would be the least traumatic way of moving them. Even if you or I might not agree, she was still doing what she thought was for the best.

The thing is, she may also have very good reasons for her judgement that your grandmother's welfare is best served by her continuing to live at the nursing home. If I were you, I'd talk to her about it and think carefully about what she says. She could be right.

That doesn't make it any less sad, of course. It's good for your grandmother that you're still visiting your grandmother in the NH, but it's very hard on you. I don't mean stop doing it! - just try to be kinder to yourself by accepting that at least some part of her decline is, unfortunately, natural. It's also worth making friends as far as you can with the staff, because the more they see your grandmother as a person with a history and family who care about her, the more likely they are to want to get to know her and the better the care they'll take of her. Are you getting any support from your twin?

I really don't know. My grandfather had fallen in their kitchen and he went to the ER where he was admitted for a UTI of all things. And when he got released from the hospital my mother told them they were going to go just look at the nursing home. My grandfather told her ok but he expressed to my mom that he didn't want to go into there just yet. He wanted to wait until after the holidays and after my grandmother's birthday. And then he would get more serious a front looking into it. Well they went and looked at the nursing home and my mom told them they would be staying there for a few hours and then going back home. So my grandfather felt like they had been tricked into staying there. This just breaks my heart to no end.

Deanne, I'm so sorry for your terribly sad situation. What's happening to your grandmother is horrible, losing your grandfather is horrible, and I understand how desperate you must feel.

But if your grandmother has been living with Alzheimer's Disease these ten years, I don't think your mother is necessarily wrong not to have told her about your grandfather's passing. I agree that it's a grotesque situation, but what's grotesque is what Alzheimer's does to the people we love.

What are your mother's reasons for thinking it best for your grandmother to stay in the Nursing Home?

The thing is my mother didn't tell my grandmother that my grandfather has passed. She still does not know. I do not agree with this at all. I tried to reason with her. My grandparents were married for 66 years and she didn't even get to do say good bye to him. But to answer your question they were living by their selves in the same house we grew up in. I have been living right next door to them for the past 8 years. And if I could get her out of that nursing home I would move into her house with her and take care of her til she passes on. My grandma has been battling this disease for the past 10 years.

I want to support freqtlyer's and jeannegibbs' comments. It is possible that your Grandmother is grieving or has declined due to the death of her husband? I understand your concern for her.

My guess is that your Mother is doing her best. As the person who was making decisions for my Dad (who died in October), I know how difficult those decisions can be. Instead of assuming your Mom is not doing the right things, is it possible to offer to help. If your Mom will let you help, you can get a chance to talk with the staff and understand a bit more about what is happening.

Getting into a legal fight over guardianship seems a bit extreme. It may be that I don't have the whole picture, but my guess is you'll make a lot more progress working with your Mom than trying to fight her.

If your grandmother is legally competent to make her own decisions and can understand the concept of appointing someone else to act on her behalf, she can change POA from your mother to you. (It doesn't sound like she is in that state, but IF she is, she can make a change.)

The only other option, I think, is what Pam suggests -- full Guardian status.

What would you change, if you had authority over Grandmother? Sounds like you are concerned about her medications. Do you get along with your mother? Could the two of you arrange to talk to the director of nursing at the NH, and perhaps the doctor, to understand why she is being medicated at this level?

Dementia progresses at its own rate, sometimes gradually over time and sometimes in fits and starts. A trauma as severe as the death of a spouse can certainly kick-start a great decline. Perhaps even if she weren't in a nursing home and on drugs your grandmother would not be able to walk at this time. Seroquel can be a big help when a dementia patient is extremely anxious and upset. Obviously it is not good for every patient and it takes good medical supervision to determine that.

I commend you for wanting to advocate for Grandmother's care. I hope that you can work with your mother to investigate what is going on. Nothing is going to cure her dementia or alleviate her grief, but if her quality of life can be improved by more attention to her treatment plan, I wish you and your mother success in achieving that!

Deanne, where were your grandparents living prior to going into the nursing home? Were they living with you or your sister? Or your mother? If living with your mother, please note that trying to care for just one person with Alzheimer's is very exhausting, I can't imagine trying to care for two people since you grandfather has passed on that means he had some type of illness.

Since your grandfather passed away only 17 days ago, chances are your grandmother knew his days were numbered. She could have started grieving for him prior to his death and is still grieving. Let her grieve in her own way, even if it means staying in bed all day.

Do you want Power of Attorney over your grandmother? What would be your plans? To care for your grandmother at your home? Please note that some people with Alzheimer's can live up to 15 years. Are you ready for that long of a haul caring for someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no days off?

At this point, you would have to pursue a full Guardian status through the courts which will cost $3K-$10K in legal fees.
If it makes you feel any better, be present when the MD visits your grandmother and ask for an explanation of her maladies and her prognosis.
What you may be seeing is Grandma giving up and feeling depressed over the loss of her husband. See the MD.