How do I tell my Mom to back off?

elmopalooze - i am sorry if i irritated you. One think that helped me was a book called Toxic Parents. The title sounds rather inflamatory, but the book is really practical about recognizing the unhealthy relationship and setting and enforcing boundaries that help you. Good luck to you

I pay ONE of her bills. Not all of them. I am a fixed income so no I can't afford thousands of dollars for a therapist! No do I have the time to see one.

Wait a minute. You have money to pay your mother's bills and you don't have money to see a therapist? What's wrong with this picture?

Call United Way or whatever help referral organization operates in your area, They can help you find services that you can afford.

You need this.

If you are employed you might have a certain amount of time through your employeer that they'll pay for. Otherwise, if you speak with your doctor or a social worker at your hospital - you might be referred. What have you already looked into for therapy?

I don't have the money for therapy. I wish but I don't.

elmopalooza - your mom will not change. Only you can change what you are going to accept or not accept. "That doesn't work for me" or "I'm sorry, but i don't want to talk about that" and then "good talking to you, bye" if she insists. A therapist can help you set boundaries - you desperately need them. You do not need to explain to your mom, talk about what she wants to battle you about, move in with her, or pay her bills. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Decide, and get therapy to help you enforce. It won't be easy, your mom will fight you over and over. When I set boundaries and enforced them, politely and lovingly, my mom didn't speak to me for a year. I got plenty of 8 page letters full of vitriol and swearing but did as my therapist advised "this can't hurt me unless i let it" and binned the letters unread. Eventually my mom started talking to me again, but learned quickly that if she strayed, demanded, started to raise the emotion i would say "love you, good talking with you, bye" and get off the phone. She didn't like it at all. We have a much better relationship now. You know you have to make changes - a good therapist can help you and i encourage you to seek one out. Wow did it make a difference for me! Good luck to you.

Ditto what Jeanne said, therapy will give you tools. In the meantime " I couldn't possibly do that ". Click.

elmopalooza, don't bang your head -- she's banging into you enough. Detach. Remove yourself from her head-banging range. Don't answer her calls. Limit your contact!

Are you seeing a therapist?

When she starts up with that, get off the phone. And tell her why you're getting off. And keep repeating that behavior "Mom, I'm getting off the phone now, this isn't open to discussion. Bye." She'll eventually understand that if she's going to talk to you, she has to stop with that topic. Be consistent! Don't discuss it with her at all, ever!

She's STILL at it. Still insisting we HAVE to move in together. I feel like banging my head into the wall.

Elmo, she's nuts. You are not "mentally handicapped" - she is. I know I know we should not use the word "nuts" to describe untreated mental illness or personality disorder or whatever your mother has got wrong with her, but maybe I think she is not really as much mentally ill as she is oblivious and excuses all her own lapses while nailing everyone else to the wall for theirs - even if theirs are totally or at least 99% imagined. I wish you could play back to her all the truly nasty, ugly things she has said about six times in a row and then say "NOW do you know why I don't want to let you in on my finances or my life decisions, let alone move in with you?" She really thinks it is OK to say those things, which tear you down, and then just go on as if your relationship could not have been injured. She thinks she is being a mom, but moms are supposed to build up and encourage their children, not beat them up and sponge off of them. It really is sad when you have to fight the person who should be in your corner, encouraging you to be a capable adult, for the simple right to be one.

a control freak with the vocabulary of a sailor . id like to meet her . we could slam heads till hell freezes over .

Oh now she acts like she never said that to me and wants me to still move in with her! Hell no! if she thinks I am mentally handicapped then I am sure she will try to control my life if I were to move in with her

What a charming mother you have! When you fall on your a** (and we ALL do from time to time), don't call Mother. Don't even tell her, until after it is all resolved. Then you might casually mention that such-and-such happened and I worked it out with a little help from so-and-so. Send her a card for Christmas. No point in burdening her with a gift she doesn't want.

You really need to distance yourself from her, it seems to me -- at least for the immediate future. And stop paying her bills. You are "mentally handicapped", remember, and so you certainly can't take responsibility for her. :) She really can't have it both ways, that you are unreliable and that she relies on you for help. Nope. Take care of yourself. Let her take care of herself. You can resolve your problems without her help, and she can deal with her own bills without your help. Fair is fair.

This sounds harsh. Sorry. Growing up often has some harsh spots. You'll survive them -- all of us did!

Oh she did NOT behave. She called me "Mentally handicapped" and told me if I fall on my a** to call someone else . And not to bother to send her anything for Christmas. My friend heard everything as I had it on speaker!

Elmopalooza, having a friend with you is absolutely brilliant. She will behave better when there are witnesses there. It's called Showtiming, where she pretends to be perfectly gracious and normal. Put her on speakerphone and make sure she knows there is someone else with you.

I would add to this that overall, you need to stop volunteering yourself to be you mother's victim.

Stop paying your mother's bills period!

Good luck and hold firm - your life is under your control - not your mom's! Hugs to you!!

Well part one was done. I told her that her dish bill was moved from my credit card. I don't mind paying it but it's no longer on that card. Now tonight or tomorrow she is going to call me so we can "Talk" about the other stuff. I have a friend coming over to be here when I do as my mother has the ability to make me shaky when i talk to her about stuff like this. Wish me luck!

elmopalooza, you are correct. It's nuts. I'm sure you don't want her to "disown" you, but really, what is the worse that can happen? Chances are very good she'd break down and go back to talking to you (for better or for worse).

I suspect that she is over controlling, and you are over sensitive. That would seem perfectly normal given your history. It sounds to me like you both are having trouble relating to each other as independent adults. When two adults discuss something they can both express their opinions, disagree, and go on to other topics, like this:

Mother: What did the doctor say at your appointment last week?
Adult Kid: She thinks I might have xyz and she has set up some more tests.
Mother: I don't believe that she's right for one minute. No one on either side of the family has ever had xyz. She must be wrong! Cancel those tests!
Adult Kid: I hope you are right, Mom. And thanks for letting me know that about family history. But you know me. I'd rather have the tests and be sure. Say, did you get that silly holiday letter from Aunt Sally? She was really over the top this year, wasn't she?

I'm not sure it is realistic to expect your Mom to stop momming you at this point. That is her way of relating to you. The fact that you have some handicap may make her all the more intent on "taking care of you" whether you need it or not. But you certainly don't have to react in child mode. You are an adult entitled to run your own life and make your own mistakes. :) Continue to do that. Talk to her politely. Don't get riled if she tries to play Mama on you. Just know that you don't have to follow her suggestions and she has no power over you. Even if she doesn't treat you as an adult, continue to act as one.

OK, with the additional info, it sounds like she's just controlling and having a hard time seeing you as the competent adult that you are. In that case, setting limits like Pam and Jeanne have suggested sound like the best option.

It's funny how some people can say hateful things and then turn around and act like it never happened. My dad was that way. He'd never apologize or take any responsibility for his hurtful comments. I can still remember them at 64 (I was 16 when he said some things).

Hold firm with not discussing finances with your mom. Good luck!

I wish they had an edit button! It's not just money either. She tries to tell me how to run my life. If I tell her about a doctors appointment and tell her what the doctor says? She tries to tell me to just ignore the doctor. She tries to tell me that i need to move in with her so we can "Share expenses". Like I said, if i don't tell her about something she gets mad. She is not your normal average mother. My brother did something she did like so she basically disowned him. It's nuts.

she claims she trusts me but clearly NOT because then the next words out of her mouth are "You are careless with your money" How would SHE know? She is not even here to know what I spend money on or not. And it's none of her business.

She does not live with me. She lives in another state. 6 months ago I told her "I am 41 years old and I need to start doing this myself(as if I ever needed her help). Instead of being a normal mother who says "Okay I understand. I agree"? No. Her answer "Well you can just go to hell like your brother". I was like WHOA. She is on medication for her lupus and she has been hospitalized before for high calcium and I don't know if any of that has affected her or not mentally. But it's like she is bipolar or something. After she told me to go to hell 6 months ago, she acts like nothing is wrong and we talk about normal stuff! So I don't know.

I don't know why. In the beginning it was because she needed money and wanted to make sue I had enough for her needs. But now that she has a job and no longer needs my money she is still doing it. I don't know why. She has always been like this. Even when she had her own business she "helped" me pay my bills and she didn't need money then either. I have two siblings both older and she never treats them this way. I am disabled but quite capable of caring for myself. In fact after my father died, she kicked me out of the house and told me it was time to be on my own. But she still thinks she can run my life. the other day she got angry with me because I didn't tell her about my housing appointment! It's none of her damn business. It's MY life. She has always been controlling and since my dad died she has gotten worse.

How did you get her to stop 6 months ago?

I think Pam's approach is right on target on this one. Just say NO. And stick to it.

"I'd love to get together with you in January, Mom, but not to talk about boring ol' bills. Let's go get our nails done and have a treat."

"Mom, my finances are fine. Thanks for asking. We don't need to discuss them now. ... No, Mom, I'm not going to discuss my finances with you."

Lather, rinse, repeat. You don't want to talk to Mom about your financial situation, don't. Remain calm, polite, and firm. If necessary, "I'm ending this call now Mom. Call me when you want to talk about something besides my finances." Yes, you can actually hang up on your mother and the sky won't fall.

As blannie says, a little more detail would put this question in context, but I can't think of a circumstance where simply refusing to talk about your bills wouldn't be appropriate,

What's the history here? Why is she involved with your bills in the first place at your age? Have you had financial problems that she's had to help you with? Does she have dementia or some other thought process problem? I'm assuming you don't live together...is that right?

We need more information to understand the full story.

Just say NO. Calmly, firmly, low tone "No" And when GTH comes up, say "Goodbye" and hang up. Do not engage the buttons she likes to push. Oh she will call back. Let it go to voicemail.