What do I need to discuss with my Dad before he moves in with us?

Just remember your husband and you daughter are your number one priority. Your daughter is getting into that preteen stage and needs lots of attention. Her activities will increase and you don't want to miss out on anything she has going on. Make arrangements now for in-home care to allow you and your family to continue your own lifestyle as much as possible. Wish you all the best.

Cookerykate, wishing you and your family success with this endeavor . Please let us know how it's going. It would be so nice to have a thread or blog on this site from people who are finding ways to keep their elders at home without destroying their lives in the process. You sound like a sensible woman who knows where the boundaries are!

Thank you for your positive thoughts. X

I wish you the best of luck! Even tho Dad is mobile he has some issues starting, unsteady waling (now using a cane). He wants his knees done so I am letting him figure it all out on his own (a bit of tough love.) While I could research it all and make arrangements I want him to see what he is getting in to. While your father is moving in be sure if he is able to allow him to make some or most decisions for himself that do not involve you directly, Dr. appts, shopping, activities unless it involves you taking him there. While I am dealing with my layers of guilt dealing with this I am better now that I let him make his own choices and advise when I can. I try to let him remember he is a roommate not a child. He can come and go and do what he wants (within reason) but I am doing this so he remembers that we can do the same. We include him in a much as possible (meals, family activities, entertainment) but we have to draw the line at our own time. I am sure it will change over time but for now it is working for us.

If you and your husband are determined to do it, then I would at least get the legal documents in hand first, such as DPOA, HCPOA, etc. I would also insist on knowing his medical and mental health condition.

I would also discuss with husband what would happen if. What would happen if your dad says he will do this or that, but he fails to do that after he moves in. What if after he moves in, he does get dementia. What if he become unable to walk or incontinent? I have heard it discussed as "aging in place." Is this where he is going to live for the rest of his life and if he should develop needs for assistance are you going to meet them or would some other option be available. I would discuss that now.

I would read the comments here by loving family members who have elderly parents in their home. It can be a very overwhelming situation. There are probably some great stories that we don't see on these boards.

Thanks for comments. He is was 33 years US Marine so aggression is part of his training - definitely not dementia! He has always been hot headed but I can manage that. I know how to press the stop button and he listens to me most of the time. Husband has been brilliant. We originally built the annexe for my father in law who was living with us in a back room and I was his sole carer for about a year, but sadly he passed before the build was finished. My father now needs it so husband has suggested he move in. I am with him every day pretty much but I am looking into getting carer support to help me daily so it does not all fall onto me. He will have to accept that or he will not be able to move in and that is part of the upcoming discussion. I just wanted to make sure I covered all bases before it all goes ahead if there are any other things I may not have considered. I know it will be hard but we have been through it before as a family with my FIL so we know what we are getting into - I had to treat him for his severe alcoholism too - didn't know he had that before he moved in! Father may be hot headed but he doesn't have any addiction issues.

I forgot to ask. What does your husband think about this?

I think your question about needing to discuss your expectations of him and his expectations of ya'll really needed to come before an agreement for him to move in as part of the negotiation process.

Babalou and other raise some very important points.

There is a lot of good information here. I would seriously take it into consideration. Especially, get the Power of Attorney and Health Care Power of Attorney, realizing that it's a huge responsibility and it can dominate your life if you have to use it.

Also, get a neuropsychological exam. Aggression is often an early warning sign of dementia. I would not ignore it.

Also, while ground rules and discussions sound like a good idea, they will be worthless if he has early dementia. The mind is not capable of grasping what he has said or agreed to. All promises are off and you can't reason with someone with dementia. I would read up on it, so you understand what you're dealing with.

Even though it sounds like you have a good set up for your FIL, I would probably not do it, based on all the problems I have read on this site. You are likely to encounter major changes in your lifestyle and will likely become his caretaker in the future. I would explore if that is something you really envision before making that commitment. While it seems like a rental room arrangement right now, if he becomes ill or immobile, you are likely to be the care provider. Please read what that entails here and other places so you understand that it's a huge responsibility.

Thanks Gewizz, I am his sole carer now. I have been taking him to medical apts for years and he and we have resisted this move as he has always been mobile but now is becoming unsteady. I am fully aware of medical and financial situation as well as being POA and in charge of funeral arrangements which we have discussed appropriately. What I wanted was a list of things that we should discuss before he moves in which Gengine has given me some prompts for. Finances are not an issue but you are all right about socialisation - he has few friends and will not go to any social centres as he is profoundly deaf which impedes his ability to interact. He even hates the 'deaf club' because he thinks they talk about silly things but that is just his way.

Dear Tgengine - thank you this is helpful. We live in the UK so I am seeking help from social services too.

Kate, Do you have other siblings? If so there may be future issues that need to be considered now. Issues with your Dad will become more complex as time passes so think about needs now AND in the future. Here are some categories to address.
Legal - Does he have a proper/current Will? Health care directives? Power of Attorney? If not, get him to an Attorney and make sure this is all addressed.
Finances -- Assess that he is not in debt or that you understand his finances. What will the financial arrangements be? You may have the physical rooms set aside but utilities and food costs will accelerate. What happens if you need to put in ramps or get a special vehicles to transport him? What about your increased gasoline usage for his doctor's & other errands?
Funeral - Do you understand what the plans are for his final arrangements?
Socialization - As addressed by others, this is HUGE. You cannot be his entertainment and as the years pass, appropriate entertainment will change. You will be getting older and so will your daughter. Call your department of aging/house of worship etc and find out what is available. Including transport. Discuss with him the options of socialization.
Health - Have you been added to all of his practitioners records for HIPPA? Do you truly understand his current medical situation?
Contribution to the household - in addition to financial what will his job be? Can he fold laundry? That can be done sitting down for example. Think of his capabilities and make sure he has 'work' to do. It keeps him involved and helps him use his brain.
Good luck.

Here are a bunch of previous threads on this topic. It would be worth it to read through some of them: https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=moving+parent+into+your+home Good luck!

I just moved Dad in after mom died. He has his own living room bed and bath (shared with the house, we have our own). Rules should be set before he steps in! Laundry (who will do his), cleaning, bathroom cleanliness and how it is maintained. Meals, who cook?. Finance, will he manage his or will you? Cost of living, will he help out with rent, utilities, food? What about medical care? Is he mobile, social? Who will do the errands etc.? Be careful that you do not become the one to do everything for him. Rules have to be set. How will he engage with the family, meals entertainment? You will have to carve time with your child alone as well as with him. As for the puppy? Hold off a while. We got a puppy in February, Dad moved in in June with his dog. While it is OK, if I had forethought I should have held off but it is working. You may want to wait a year until everyone finds their way. We are six months in, still finding our way. Be careful, it is a lot of work. Find time with your husband once a week out of the house the 2 of you! It is very important. My wife is an angle but she needs time with me and her alone! Trust me!!! I am glad dad is here but I cherish my quiet time!

What do you mean by aggressive?

What a huge red flag that sends up for me, especially in the context of your 10 year old daughter!

In your shoes, knowing what I know in the context of watching elderly relatives and caregiving for the past several years, I would find a way to get dad in for a neuropsych workup to screen for cognitive decline/dementia and also a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate him for depression and untreated mental illness. Medications can work wonders in these situations sometimes.

If you think I'm over-reacting, please read some of the threads on this board about elderly parents moving in.

Another thing to think about beforehand is socialization. Find out if there is a senior center nearby and see that dad goes a few times. If he enjoys it, that's a great sign. Too many folks here end up being the entertainment committee for their elder and getting burned out from those demands.