Do you ever wish you would die so you could stop dealing with an impossible Mom and the stress you have from her?

I guess I won't kill him today as he is currently making spaghetti for everyone and is actually a very good cook, he is just a pig.I am actually able to keep the house cleaner even with the dogs just as long as he isn't in the house. He is like "PigPen" from Charlie Brown, mess just follows him.

It gives the term "vacuum packed" a whole new meaning! Sometimes reading these posts, I'm glad I'm not married. :)

Texarkana, thanks for the laugh, "I would put him in the vacuum if he would fit". :-) What a great idea! :-) If it works out let me know, I'll go get the same kind of vacuum right away.

I know my mother who was born in 1936 has a big sense of entitlement.If I hear one more time "I worked for 30 years" ,well so did a lot of other people, she just got lucky. I also worked for 30 yrs. and I will probably have no living relative if I ever get to 78, I am an only child and did not have children, my mother is an only child so their are no nieces/nephews and I haven't seen nor heard of any of my father's family in 30yrs.My husband does not take care of his health so I will probably outlive him.My mom will be 79 in 2 months,basically has good health all things considered but especially with the good environment I have created for her in my home.But maintaining that environment mostly falls on me and I know I can't keep this up.My husband doesn't clean anything,just cooks,according to him that is all he should have to do.For the last 3 hours I have been vacuuming,doing laundry,picking up clothes putting in washer, putting up in closet,cleaning kitchen counters and cabinets,mopped one room's floor,dusted,picked up,straightened up, things my husband likes but won't do, he would live in absolute cr*p if I let him.It would be more trouble than it's worth to get a divorce, basically we are just roomates and he is the messy one.And the thing is I had to start cleaning in the kitchen first and his computer area while he is gone to a dental appt. just so I can get it clean,if he was here there is no way I would be able to get in "his" area to clean.It's just infuriating to be cleaning around him while he is on the computer and then he complains that the vacuum noise disturbs him, I would put him in the vaccum if he would fit.He comes thru sometimes but I literally have to be sick in bed like I was the last 6 days,he did get mom fed but did absolutely NO cleaning at all,clothes all over the floor, dog accidents not cleaned,he is a pig and doesn't care, has told me so.I just had to get that off my chest.

I haven't wished for my mother's death, but I've had questions about why things are the way they are. We often hear our parents are "Depression Era," so it makes them a certain way. However, they also lived through the Era of Prosperity 1950-80s. Few of us will ever see the growth in wealth for the common people that were seen during those years. Now people hope they can hold onto jobs in the impersonal employment environment.

I've also wondered at the sense of entitlement to family care that seems to have arisen in the Depression/Prosperity Era elders. Neither my parents' line had any type of caregivers, though many lived into the 80s. One grandfather had a son who took him grocery shopping. This grandfather never drove, so that was a lifelong thing the son did for him. Elders now seem to be a lot more dependent on their children. I've wondered what created this in so many people. It doesn't seem that it has as much to do with living longer than it does with being less healthy physically and mentally.

I'd like to recommend a book for you to read, my daughter gave it to me (she is in a masters program for children's literature at Trinity College in Dublin)....it is called 'A Monster Calls' by Patrick Ness. It is one of the most powerful books I have read in a long time and it deals with this issue. I know that I've prayed for a 'good death' for my mom, she is at the end of a long struggle with Alzheimer's. Many hugs, Linda

Can sort of identify with you hadnuff, my Mom just went back into the hospital after being in Rehab. It just seems like an endless cycle. She is back to where she was in the hospital in November status wise. She has had enough of all the poking and prodding the doctor sort of know what is causing her problem. But, it is all trial an error it seems. How many more test, how much more can a human of an elderly state take of modern medicine. It just makes them more weary and confused about everything. The cure ends up worse then the illness. Hope you hang in there, keep focused on the fact you have had your mother in your life and good or bad we have to be there for them.

Hadnuff, Your mother and brother are co-dependent. The only way to break this cycle is to get her to Assisted Living, despite his objections. If you have to pursue Guardianship, by all means do so. At least in an AL they will make sure she is taking her anxiety meds. Bet you ten to one if you do a pill count, she is screwing up her meds royally and that makes anxiety much worse. My MIL could be her twin sister. And MIL's daughter needed BP meds after years of dealing with her mother's clinging anxiety, tantrums and crying jags.
MIL on the other hand, is happy as a lark at the ALF.

Hadnuff I can't say I have wished that I would die...but I have wished that my mom would get her wish. She constantly says she's ready to go and has lived too long and she's right (she's 95). She doesn't have much quality of life in the overall scheme of things and taking care of her takes a real toll on me.

I have a brother who lives in another state and is no help at all. Whenever I write him about being frustrated with a particular situation, he always says "Well don't beat yourself up about it." I'm not beating myself up, I'm just sharing my frustrations. So I've learned to limit my information to him, because he winds up making me feel angrier and more frustrated. But he's never cared for anyone else and has no f'ing clue what is involved. So I try to limit my discussions about my mom and caregiving to others who will get it. But that's a very limited number of people.

Even former caregivers will say stupid things. One friend tried to talk me into a 17 day trip to Italy next year. She was only a real caregiver for a year or two (I'm in year 13 for mom and had 9 years with mom and dad together). Another one tells me I'll miss this and that about caregiving. No I won't. She took care of her mom for a short time too.

So it is depressing and maddening, but you do the best you can and call in outside help (counseling/medication) if you need it to keep your spirits on an even keel. And come to this site often - it's wonderful because we all get it! From one caregiver to another - {{{{hugs}}}}.

Yes, I'm only wishing. I would never kill myself. My mom is 88 years old. Her doctor thinks she should be in assisted living. No, there is no way the doctor or anyone can force her to go. Even, if she could afford it. She still can manage on her own she cares about how she looks, she eats, and takes a sponge bath every day. She is on anxiety drugs, but they never helped as much as would be good. She thinks she can't afford home help except what she has to have (wash clothes and light housekeeping) since she can't do herself. She has more money that she acts like but she says she has to keep as much money for my brother to live on when she dies as she can. He has subsidized apt. but mom is afraid he will be thrown out one day maybe (rules about keeping apt. clean and tidy and there are inspections to make sure). One of reasons mom is worried. She is giving him house when she dies so he won't have to worry about being homeless. He is on SSi and gets food stamps. I think he has Borderline personality disorder. Don't know for sure what one he has. I have POA for everything there is no one else to give it to. My husband is not realistic, nor is my mom or my brother. My husband thinks I should just keep taking care of mom and making sure she has everything she needs. I also have a anxiety disorder and it is controlled but when mom calls and sounds so upset about whatever. It triggers my anxiety and I get upset also. I'm on meds that work well but you should here her anxiety in her voice and mine is triggered.

Welcome!

Are you only wishing that you would die or do you have a plan? If you have a plan, then dial 911 and get yourself some help. Has your doctor ever diagnosed you with depression or anxiety which needed some meds. That might give you some temporary help while you look into what else could be done to take this burden from being completely on your shoulders.

I gather that she is still living in her house. How old is she?

If you don't mind my asking, but what personality disorder does your brother have?

Is your mother taking her meds for her anxiety disorder.

Does your mother have the means to afford her paying for in home help?

Does your mother's doctor think it would be better if your mother did not live alone?

Would your mother qualify for medicaid?

Has she given you or someone else durable and medical POA?

Other than not understanding, what does your husband think you should do about your mother? I don't know why he cannot understand the emotional toil that this is taking on you and that must make you feel very isolated.

You said that there is more to the situation. Feel free to vent and share away for that will help people in their feedback.