Forced to care for my Grandmother. Does anyone have any tips?

You are certainly crazy if you continue to put up with this. Find another job. Encourage your wife to find another job. STOP being dependent financially on your parents' goodwill. One of you work full time while the other goes to school. Then switch roles. Both of you get a good education.

This whole situation is garbage.

You should be able to love your grandmother, visiting her occasionally, NOT being responsible for her care.

Your parents can't bare to place her where she can get good care 24/7, and they can't take care of her themselves. Looks like they'll have to come up with another solution, doesn't it?

countrymouse, I think calling the parents' choices a serious miscalculation is just too kind. It sounds to me like a calculated, selfish move on their part with no real consideration of James and his wife's young marriage, their sanity, and future happiness. This also sounds to me like a clear message that the parents will one day expect James and his wife to do for them what they are doing for his grandmother. I don't think such a mindset can be negotiated with. This is another good reason for not doing business with family. Things get messy. Imagine how much messier things would be if James' wife was pregnant or if they had a young child? Sounds to me like this is a loyalty to family game with the choice being grandmother and parents or your wife and your life. I don't think you are going to be able to change your parents. I think you need to cut your losses and move forward with your wife and your own life out from underneath this crazy situation. Your parents will figure out what to do with your dad's mom.

As long as you are dependent upon your parents for your income you are going to be over a barrel. I agree with jeannegibbs, find another job so you can get out from under this obligation to your parents. They're just going to have to find another solution for your grandmother.

James, maybe you should show your parents this forum so they can see how they have abused your trust. I have three sons around your age and a 90 yr. old mother that needs much care and I would NEVER put that on my boys. I have been going though this with my siblings, nobody wants the job! Last month I went to check out nursing homes and assisted living by myself. I was so impressed with the assisted living, my mom is there now. It's a big beautiful apartment, furnished with her own things. They have wonderful live entertainment, she orders off a menu in a beautiful restaurant, her care will increase with her needs. My mom is doing so much better and we have our lives back. Your parents have an image of dirty, smelly, nursing home, however they have some very nice places and they are way safer and more engaging than being at home. If I were you, I would go find a nice one, then take your parents there and I bet they'll agree that it's a better solution. Your right, you do deserve your life back!

James, it's never going to end. Your grandmother will be needing more and more care. I wonder who's going to make the sacrifice to care for her 24/7? You? Or most likely your wife (being a female)? How is this going to affect your marriage?

I tried to put myself in your wife's place. // "All I see is that my husband is putting his family first before me, before our marriage. To me, they will always come first. Yes, husband promises this or that. But I look at the over-all picture. And I don't see any ending soon. So, I become discontent. I'm not happy. I experienced what marriage was suppose to be - you work, come home, we snuggle afterwards, maybe eat out or go to a movie. Where's all this? Now, it's just work and grandmother." (Well, you know your wife, just replace some of my words with hers.)

Guilt and Obligation - is what your father is doing to you. Think about those 2 words carefully. HOW is your father playing on your guilt? On Obligation?

I know the family obligations of caregiving family - no matter what. Think very carefully of the now and of your future. I've been helping my dad caregive mom when I was age 24. That was 24 years ago. My dream was to move to the states and take long weekend holidays to travel all over Europe. I put that on hold - thinking that mom would not live too long. What little I knew about dementia. Mom passed away 2 years ago. Then dad got His Stroke. He's age 86 and he's still going strong. Now, I'm so torn at the moment of what I now want in life. I stayed on this low paying, no retirement plan job because of the work flexibility. When mom needed to go to the ER, I was able to drop everything and just go. So, James, please think very very carefullly on this. You and your wife will end up being the caregiver if another member needs caregiving. Because you both have experience, you're the children (that's why they have children- to take care of them in their old age - per my dad) and because it's family.

You and your wife needs to sit down and figure out the today and the tomorrow. Set goals. Goal 1 - strengthen your marriage. Goal 2 - find an alternative caregiver for Grandmother. Goal 3 - seek another job if parents won't compromise/cooperate. Goal 4.... Goal 5.....

No more info needed...you both are being used and abused by your parents. Your grandmother is their responsibility. Move out, get other jobs, student loans and get on with your life and education.

By being so dependent on your parents you have no choice in the matter. You initially said NO to being a caregiver; they made threats and here you are....still tied to the apron strings. Hard to believe you came out of the military so willing to become a child again! It could be a tough few years once you accept responsibility for your own future. But what a sense of accomplishment! Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage, happiness, independence and self esteem for a paycheck? Good luck. Being an adult is not always easy!

Daughters, in my opinion that is a heartless non supportive response. James like other caregivers on this sight have at some point and usually when they are burnt out thought, felt and written here that they wished the person they are caring for would die. It is an honest feeling. I do agree that he needs to find another job and get a roof over his own head. He has a real job with his parents, but adding to that the free care of his grandmother is just too much. He and his wife are young and need to have their own life and his parents need to take some responsibility for the grandmother.

James, Age related decline? Really? Does grandma have dementia? Other physical ailments? From your description, she needs 3 shifts of caregivers. Sit down with you parents and figure out who those three shifts will be and where it will happen. Why is she throwing up? If she's incontinent, she should be wearing protective undergarments, not soiling the sheets.

James13B: you're making this impossible. Great at sales? There are companies big and small who would hire you in a minute and you may even see bigger commissions. What kind of parent's not only demand you and your wife look after the grandmother (they should be doing this especially if they don't want to place her inNH) but also threaten their son with job termination if they don't. Put yourself and your wife first and get out.

James, I am so sorry that your parents are abusing you and your wife like this! Let's see - You and your wife work, you both go to school, and you are full-time caregivers to your grandmother......hmmmm that's 3 full-time jobs for you and your wife! and your parents? They work. Does your mom work? That is still only 1 job they have. So you and your wife get to work 3 jobs and they do 1? And they chose to bring her to CA? I agree with the others, find out what the REAL reason is that they want Gma home for....it may very well be for her money, I think most of us smell something 'fishy' here, especially since they seem to be so very willing to sacrifice you and your wife. Beware, since you've got to know they will want you to care for them....no want is not the right word, they will demand and guilt you into it. Best of luck in your investigation of what is really going on and to you and your wife. Linda