OK, here is a great confession: I find it much easier to be cheerful, interested, and genuinely nice to the other residents at the AL than my own mother. I actually like them and get a kick out of them. I could enjoy hanging out with them for a while. To say this differently, I like myself better when I am interacting with them.
Sort of the reverse of what we are saying about elders being nice to others and trashing us, which my mother does, believe me. But who am I to complain?
I am not neglecting my mom. Yesterday I took her shopping for bras--don't even ask. It is hard to take someone shopping who doesn't remember what they tried on or liked 30 seconds ago. I finally gave up and took my mom to Victoria's Secret (LOL) and let the consultant handle it. With just one firm word from me at the end of the appointment, we walked out of there with three new bras that fit my mom and she likes them. Then we went clothes shopping and got a few cute, comfortable tops for her. She forgot the whole thing within a few hours, of course. Today, Christmas, we are going out for Chinese (LOL again!) and then we will watch old movies, which she loves.
What I mean is that I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing (not to mention handling all of her affairs, taxes, etc.). But I do FEEL more relaxed and cheerful around the other residents than around my mom.
Maybe this is not a crime against humanity but I feel really guilty about it. I wish I could tune myself in to the empathetic channel, and I can on rare occasions, but usually I just feel just dutiful, slightly annoyed, and bored.
This is raw honesty here.
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AHA! They find out the ALF sandbox won't put up with that either. So they play better with people who are not family.
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Of course I realize that a half hour on the phone every week is different than being in the same town and needing to help her on a regular basis. I wouldn't be surprised if her own daughter would like to trade her for someone else :P
My mother is not like these seniors at all. It's not just the way we interact. It is because she stopped living a long time ago. Every day is an exercise in slogging through a bog of misery. I have a hard time enjoying being with her. I wish she could be more like the people at the senior center. That would make this all more enjoyable.
It may be that we like the seniors that we see because they are the ones who are out and about. We don't see the other seniors because they are sealed away behind closed doors. When we're family, we get to see the ones behind the doors and wish they could be more like the seniors who are still living life.
Well, Bette fell one day and lay on the floor of her apartment for three days. Thankfully, her neighbor noticed the newspapers piling up outside the door,and alerted the police. Bette survived, went to rehab and came home, insisting that she would not go into a care facility. So three of us ( my ex, his wife and I) became the Trustees of a special needs trust for a disabled stepgrandson, allowing her to qualify for Medicaid. As she developed dementia, administering and arranging her care became a minor nightmare ( especially when one of the caregivers brought in bedbugs). At the end, we three were all thoroughly exhausted and fed up. We just wrapped up all the trust ' s business a few months ago, two years after her death. So, I think it has to do with how much work is involved and the expectation that you're available to show up that gets wearing.
For me, I think it's that the other old folks appreciate me for me and don't expect anything from me. They don't feel I owe them anything. They appreciate every little bit of attention. And they treat me like an independent adult, not like an unpaid servant. And they don't make snide remarks about things that happened 40 or 50 years ago to try to "'put me in my place" like my mother sometimes does. It's a whole different (and much more enjoyable) experience, for me.