Which is better to keep Mom (91) with mild dementia in my home with full day time care or move her to AL or NH?

Hi samara, I was trying to say AL is MORE expensive than home care. I experienced exactly what you did. They show you the base price and then all the add ones. It was staggering, as you obviously know. Thanks for the advice of the geriatric care mgr...I know I need help sorting this all out. Thanks,

Forgot to mention. One important detail, national average Assist Living fees inrease about 5% per year, or more. However the Medical portion of the bill can iincrease at its own rate. Does your mom have any LTC insurance? Check on coverages. Start all those applicaitons soon! Also if she was a veteran, or her husband, there's some VA benefits. Some even pay for in-home companion care.

Well, the cost of Assisted Living might actually be higher than you've considered--have you actually looked at the fine print and asked each facility's Head of Nursing what exactly will be your mom's Bill, at entry? I did this and was shocked to learn medications management & administration $11, 000 per year (for one of my 2 parents). Rent in area about $3700 to $4500, and does NOT include all meals, nor any helpers at any time. Every little thing would cost money....So before you conclude that AL is cheaper, remember some of the "nicer" places (the ones that give you goosebumps cuz you would love to escape there, yourself!) the hidden costs really DO add up. PLUS, there's no guarantee your mom can stay there forever. Even if they have an attached memory care wing with room for 10-12 residents, there's no telling if they will have a space for Mom when SHE needs it, even if they "say" that current residents have "priority".....one of the places we visited had all 20 spaces of memory care booked solid with about 100 people on wait list, while the rest of the 3-story Assisted Living was begging to have seniors move in.
However, be very cautious about keeping Mom at your home, if hubby is already feeling stressed (and you are already) it is only going to increase as time goes on, unless you get some counseling or 3rd party to Help You Weigh the Options. I am sort of biased against the AL becauee they are so darn expensive, the average person just cannot afford them! Add to this, the uncertainty over how long Mom will live? And in what state of health? A neighbor has a mom 101 and all there upstairs, but sits in wheelchair all day....and she is doing GREAT thanks to a pacemaker they mistakenly replaced (ooops now she is good for another 10 yrs). And mean while the bill about $7k per month.....she is running out of money. Soon will come Medicaid, and then no more private room.
So you see, we all want to have Life go on Happily Ever AFTER, but those of us who are caregiving, and not wealthy, have fewer choices. Find a 3rd party expert, Geriatric Care Manager, and if you can afford for them to come up wih a plan, go for it. If funds are limited do lots of research here and elsewhere.

I think your description has answered your question. Your deserve a break and your husband deserves a wife who is not crabby. You are not being mean. Instead, you are being realistic about your own well being, the well being of your marriage, and the present as well as developing future needs of your mother who sounds like her doctor would recommend assisted living. Some places have levels of care where you begin in independent or assisted living and then move on to more intensive levels of care as you need them which she will because her dementia is only going to get worse. For the moment, forget your unhelpful siblings and do what is right for you, your own family and your mom. I do hope that you have Durable and Medical POA for your mother and that she has her things in order like a will and a living will.

I worry that since you don't have any help from your siblings, keeping mom at home with you will drive you to the rubber room eventually. I'd be thinking long term ideas myself, not the immediate need. The old saying "familiarity breeds contempt' is true unfortunately. Be smart.