So... I am a little over two challenging weeks into becoming a caregiver for my Narcissistic father and weighing my options.
He currently is living in my trendy city loft with steep stairs and only a sectional on which to sleep which is uncomfortable for us both: I am worried that he will fall down the stairs so I have to constantly watch him to make sure he doesn't go near them (he has attempted to slide down them on his rear end).
I am a very busy attorney that has missed more work than I'd like to since this all happened. I did find an Adult Day Center which he likes, but my line of work requires long hours, and I have been left to care for him after the center closes (although this does satisfy the "loneliness" factor he complains about).
So... my options are as follows:
1) Find a ranch home in the suburbs that we can share...continue to take him to the Adult Center on Weekdays, hire someone to watch him in the evenings and on weekends.
(He's made it VERY clear that this is his option of choice. He even went as far as to offer to pay me what my law firm pays me in the evenings so we can spend more time together.... ummmm.....no).
At minimum, this option could run about $3,000 - $4,000 per month.
2) A WONDERFUL Independent Living facility that we toured today. He would have his own apartment and access to the social activities on the property. He could also get transportation to the Adult Day Center but have essentially 24 hour care when needed there. The V.A. would offer him a discounted rate of $2,000 per month for this.
So... this is a NO BRAINER to me. It's more economical and would give me peace of mind. However, my Dad COMPLETELY hated the place. He said it was too stuffy for him and that if I was going to put him away, I should just kill him now (I'm not exaggerating... he actually said that).
So my dilemma is.... I don't want my Dad to hate me if I essentially FORCE him to go to the facility, but I don't want to continue to hate myself for being so resentful of this situation.
This is hard. He's really MEAN and hurtful, and I'm feeling even more strain on our less-than-stellar relationship. What should I do?
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Needless to say, I was "groomed" to care for him. He has been legally blind since I was born and for as long as I remember, it was my job to take care of him, cook for him, clean for him, and make sure I hid the truth about our hideous home life from the church... Oh, did I mention he was a "preacher"????
ANYWAY... We had settled on a IL facility, but he melted down the next day (the usual "I want to go home" speech.
My BF was able to talk him off the ledge and get him convinced to go, but not without a fight. I have put my foot down and practically TOLD him he's going, and I do believe in the long run, this will be the best thing.
Maybe then I will stop feeling so guilty for being sooooo frustrated with the situation. I know we're SUPPOSED to love our parents, and I do... I just don't think caring for him should be my responsibility... especially since I've spent the majority of my life doing so....
The senior community is his best bet, they love the company.
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Your condo isn't elder proof, and your work schedule makes it difficult for you to give your Dad the time and attention that he really needs. So between the 13 of them, someone should have a solution. Could be they are all in agreement that Dad needs to be in a retirement community whether he likes it or not.
Hope everything works out to be a win-win for everyone.