What do I do now? Mom has accused the maids of stealing and management just called me on it.

Does she have a UTI? This can cause crazy actions. Dementia is tough. She cannot be alone. 6 pack or care facility would be the ones I recommend

AmyGrace - just reread your posts. Hmmmm you mention mom pooping all over, issues with dirty undies. This is could be an issue for the AL. Yes they can help them with ADLs but if mom has a fixation on sh** , well it will be a huge issue for the AL. They have to be more concerned about the overall situation for the AL & other residents. If mom can't be cognitive enough for knowing proper hygiene rules, understanding the need to go and let staff know, observing common bathroom behavior like proper disposal of soiled items, that would be a reason for a 30 day notice.

Out of curiosity, why move her to AL rather than into a NH?

AmyGrace - I'd be concerned that the AL that your very advanced elderly mom is going to move into later on this month will not be able to provide the level of care she needs. I'd really really suggest you clearly ask what would happen IF they cannot provide the level of are that mom is determined to need after she has been there the first few weeks. The AL will have a social worker, I'd start the conversation there.

Does the new AL have sister facility that is a NH?

Do I get this right, the AL does not have a medical director? Ask how they approach emergencies, like if mom goes on a threatening stealing rant, what do they do? Like call 911 and she goes to the ER.? Or call you to take her? You need to know what to expect.

So the AL didn't do a site visit at moms current IL?
Or require mom go over for a visit or a "play date" for their own observation to see if they can provide the care she needs? Not to alarm you, but if neither was the case I'd be concerned that mom will move in and within short order you get a "30 day notice" that although they just love love love your mom they cannot meet the level of care she requires & she must move out within 30 days.This is a total panic situation which you want to avoid if you can. AL can totally do this as they do not have the federal compliance requirements to find safe & secure placement of a discharged resident as a NH would have to do.

If mom has been in her IL for a decade, they probably let a lot of her issues slide by as staff all know her; perhaps some even viewed her as family or as special, so her erratic behavior - that would have gotten another resident the boot- was overlooked. Perhaps they have a good realtionship with you as well. The new place won't be as flexible would be my bet.

Thanks vstefans, that is all I want, for Mom to be somewhere safer and for her to be medicated so she will be at least calmer and (too much to hope for) happier. I will sleep easier knowing she won't insult someone or stand on a chair or throw her dirty depends in the drawer, etc. I have to admit I won't mind having a little less responsibility like shopping, laundry, changing her bed, cleaning hearing aids, sorting out and repairing things to maintain the apartment and trying to keep her calm and organized over the phone when I know she can't hear me and won't remember. I think she will be better once she is lightly tranquilized and feels secure knowing there is always someone to "go to" if she has a problem! Lets hope 2015 is a better year for us all. Happy New Year!

Sad story - the rest of us would really, really make it a point to ENJOY such good health and do something productive with it! Here's hoping the holding pattern holds out and you end up with mom in a good ALF and find yourselves having a much better 2015!

Thanks everyone for your support! We know its dementia, we know its because she was impossible and difficult and always saw the glass as half full even when she was "normal". My prayers are just that we can get her through the next month or so until we can move her. I don't want to move her twice. I had hoped if I scolded, scared and embarrassed her enough she would keep her mouth shut for at least long enough for that to happen. No matter how many times or whatever we do to convince, show her, or just "lie" about the suits, etc it doesn't matter. She is satisfied and convinced only until the next day when the paranoia and accusations begin again. "Whos on first, whats on second" She was so embarassed yesterday that she said she wouldn't ever see anyone, yet, when my sister called her at 5, she had already gone to dinner - so she probably got over it after a couple of hours. I haven't called her yet because if we call before late morning we are treated to her "weak" voice sounding like she is dying and hearing about how bad she feels. Until she is distracted and then her voice changes and she's fine. Ten years ago it was panic attacks in the middle of the night when she would call my sister saying she was dying. She would call the ambulance, poop all over the bed, etc and two hours later she would be back home, just fine except the family got no sleep. She got over that really quick when she was moved to IL. She had two mild attacks and a trip to the hospital twice. After that they miraculously stopped, probably because there was no family close enough to "rescue her" and the IL people didn't fawn over her. Sorry again everyone. I do love my mother, but after years and years of her being a victim, I'm just so tired. My sister and I have all kinds of health problems starting from my 50's. And here is this parent who is never ill, never has a headache, and has nothing, I repeat nothing wrong with her, no meds and is still ambulating at 100 years old. She's had no money worries ever, lives in a lovely place and all she does and has done is play victim. I guess I just resent it a little!

Just to clarify, I'm not saying outright lie or treat her like her concerns don't matter...exmaple "fib" would be something like "Momma, look they found your three suits! Someone just put them in the wrong room. They sure do get confused around here sometimes, don't they?"

I once walked a mile to a WalMart to get my mom a tea towel that looked enough like the one she said was gone missing...but it was OK, I needed the exercise. :-)

Oh. You are expecting your mom to be reasonable, but she was not all that reasonable even before her reason was gone, and she sure isn't going to be now. You don't need to keep hitting your head on that particular wall. If anyone could give you lessons in subject-changing and therapuetic fibbing and omitting, that would be great, but you will probably have to teach yourself just like the rest of us did. On the other hand, if maybe you gave her enough repetition and associated embarrassment she actually remembers not to go on another rant for a couple of days or more, well done. Try not to let the reality of this make you feel like a failure. It's her mental status, not yours - her life sadly misspent, not yours. You can still go enjoy a sunset or a lovely clear day and actualy relate to a fellow human being without being totally focused on your favorite tchochke or knick knack being missing.

Sweetheart, oh you poor honey! Deep breaths, and again!

Mom has dementia. You can't explain anything to her. "Yes mom, we reported it. It will be taken care of" is about all you can do. This is the natural progression of the disease; it's not your fault and it's not her fault!

There is no doctor affiliated with the AL, we must find our own, and that doctor will make visits. Her current doctor is lousy, and the staff incompetent. Its hard to start over at this stage, needing this doctor to fill out the paperwork (because she has seen her for 10 years) to get her into AL. Then I can switch since its in a different town.
I feel like cr __ right now. I tried to have a nice birthday visit with my mother. And what does she do? Brings up stealing again! So I sat down, starting our nicely to explain that I had received a complaint about her from management for making false accusations. She argued and argued, claiming stuff was gone, so I walked her around showing her it was all there (for about the 50th time) and she goes right back into the loop about employees being fired for stealing. I said, you don't know that for sure, someone said it but you have no proof and you have been talking about it for years. I felt like I was in an "who's on first" Abbott and Costello skit! I finally had to get really mad, really scold her and tell her she will be kicked out if she doesn't stop accusing people. What does she say "I hate it here" and then proceed to blame the facility for not liking her and now she's embarassed what they think of her. I reminded that my sister and I have told her 50 times in the past year that if she didn't stop making accusations she would get in trouble, and now she has. Then she claimed she didn't remember telling the head housekeeping person someone had stolen from her and she was mad because that person reported it. I asked her why she made the complaint if she didn't want it reported to someone. In other words, I was upset, she was upset, my stomach is sick. And tomorrow she might or might not even remember it. I really don't know what to do. Either she behaves, or they say come get her and we stick her in any nursing home that will take her. I am SO tired after 10 years of this! Don't mind me, I'm on a pity trip and if we had moved her two years ago when I had wanted to, this wouldn't be happening, or at least it would be happening in a facility that is equipped to handle it. I'm just praying we can get her medicated, move her and she will behave.

Can you have her seen by the doctor affiliated with the AL you are planning to move her to? This would serve a double purpose. S/he could assess if AL is going to be enough support for her and you'd get a new opinion about what to do right now.

Thanks everyone. It sounds like I need to find a doctor who will treat her instead of writing her off. We've thought about hiring someone to hand her medication but first I need to find a doctor. I'm not sure if she will let that person in the door or do what she is told. So far she has not wandered at all. In fact, for the past 10 years, all she does is sit around the apartment with the blinds and drapes closed. She goes nowhere, does nothing - but then she has been like that all her life. Is it possible she would start wandering at her age and personality? I'll be honest, all her life she has been stubborn and negative. This is her personality, only more so now. I am really afraid it might be too late for her in AL, thanks to my sibling who refused to move her years ago. Now she is going to react very badly and is mentally unable to adjust.

She wouldn't qualify for ass't living either place that my mom or MIL is. AL are not locked facilities. She needs her meds and those can be administered at an AL, for additional payment, or at a NH.

You do not want her wandering off. Good luck. Fortunately, my mother has adjusted well at the NH and is in good health for age 95.

OMG she needs medication, probably an SSRI. You might be able to hire an elder care coordinator or someone to remind her to take medication, but it would be pricey. I would think a long acting injectable antipsychotic would be too risky, but possibly, would your doc consider putting her on Emsam (selegiline patch) if she would leave it on, at the lowest dose? If not the only other thng to try would be diet modifications such as getting her to eat coconut products or other MCTs, and more apple juice, cranberry juice, and such that have mannose, ribose, and other sugars that enhance brain function a little.

Would it be possible to hire an aide to spend time with your Mom during her waking hours for the month?

Oh AmyGrace. How hard! Are you sure assisted living is enough? I assume you have discussed her needs specifically with them.

Have you talked to the maids and explained her dementia and that she will be leaving as soon as a room opens up? While your mom's behavior is very common in dementia it may not be something these maids have experienced and some reassurance might help smooth things over and also be educational for them.

Hang in there! It is just one more month ...

I would if I could but I cannot be there every day to give her medication, and she can't take it herself (last time we tried that, even put it in a daily container, she either took it all in two days or threw it out and said she had finished it) She is so stubborn she will refuse to let anyone in, an aide, nurse to give it to her. My sister's husband is very ill so I am doing what I can on my own. I'm going to see her tomorrow. All I can think of to do is write it all out on paper and tell her if she ever accuses anyone of stealing again they will make her leave and she will have no place to go. That might scare her, and she will probably remember that. Her memory is very selective! It might bother her enough that she will remember it. She only remembers bad things. I can't remember the last time she smiled or laughed.

Get her medicated NOW so she behaves at ALF in a month. Antidepressants take a month to kick in. I would also think she would get anxiolytics for a week or two as she settles in.