Why do I feel guilty and like I'm doing something wrong by not wanting my Mom to live with me and take the abuse?

Yup. It is going to get ugly before it gets resolved. Brace yourself. But getting this resolved is essential to your well-being. It will be tough on you, especially with all those guilt buttons installed, but you are worth it. You've done tough for years, for your mother. You can do it for you!

Frustrated, I feel your pain. My dad has identical personality. My brothers both died in 2009 and 2012. When my dad got sick I had to move him close to me (3 states away) because he was unable to live alone due to many age related issues. I thought he should live with me to be close to family. Cousins and sister strongly advised against it because of his history of alcoholism, abuse and Narssistic personality. The best thing I ever did for him and myself both was to move him into assisted living. He still wants to be the center of attention when I visit, but we can visit without feeling of guilt or anger. He's happy, nurses treat him like a king and do all of the work for me. Really! Medicare and even Medicaid might help pay. Those places have people who will help you find funding. Good luck!

Wow I'm overwhelmed by the support. Some answers really gave me new perspective. Yes, I do think there are issues other than the changes due to getting older that I've always dealt with, not just now. I think some of the guilt comes from the fact that sometimes she can be so nice, almost excessively nice, and then I have let down my guard only to have her do something to completely knock my knees out from under me, it's been a roller coaster relationship. Now with the elder issues it is even more complicated. Oddly too, mothers always try to remain "in control" and never see you as a decision making adult, so the authority is out of line. Again blurring the situation. Being the "peace keeper" of the family, I have always been the one to make everyone's life easier and "fix" things, family dynamics are determined early, I feel she does not show respect for my home and my wellbeing. I find accepting the fact of never having the loving mother I would have hoped for, or a good relationship very difficult, so I keep trying and keep getting sucked in to allowing unhealthy actions to happen. I don't mean to sound "whiney" but things aren't so cut and dried when emotions or family is involved. I guess that's why it's necessary to get answers or suggestions from those not involved that look at it from a factual perspective. Never having done this before I really other than the doctor and Elder Services don't know what to do, I feel it's going to get ugly before it' resolved.

I hear what Chicago1954 is posting. In essence, with authority figures involved, their assistance and presence will be helpful in order to allow outsiders with authority to see that this is not healthy for either one of you. Mom's can be complete bullies when they wish and then they wonder "what is wrong"? Move her out!

At this point, she is going to outlive you. Let her call the police. She needs moved out.

Frustrated, you get an "A" for good intentions and making an effort to care for your mom yourself, even though you never got along.

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. A person who is taken in by someone else typically feels happy and thankful that someone loves and cares for them. And thanks that person for their trouble and offers to help out any way they can.

The fact that your mother does not or cannot do these simple things is an indication of either dementia, a personality disorder or another mental illness. This is someone who needs three shifts of professional caregiving, not an amateur, as well intentioned as you may be. You need to keep you and her safe. It is not your job to make her happy.

Some parents are difficult. It sounds like you're doing the right thing in finding other arrangements for her. We can take care of our parents without having to live with them. Your mother may be angry when you find her a new place, but it sounds like she is angry already. Thumbs up on what you are doing. You will probably both be happier once she gets settled in somewhere else.

Pam, I got a laugh out of the contagious comment!

Pam and Babalou are right. You need to see to it that your mother gets good care -- somewhere else.

But to answer your question, why do you feel guilty? Two part answer -- 1) Your mother installed all those guilt buttons many years ago and she knows how to press them; 2) our culture has a "can do, fix-it" bias. When we find ourselves in situations that we can't fix, we feel like it must be our fault.

You may not be able to totally disable the guilt buttons, but move forward in spite of the unearned guilt feelings.

Move Mother out.

Agreed, she needs placement through a county social worker. She is mentally ill and that stuff is contagious.

You need to place her. Immediately. The minute an elder says that they will report you for abuse is the minute you need to stop caregiving. Unless you have a bottomless bank account with which to defend yourself in court.

If elder services isn't helpful, you can start the eviction process, which can take months, but you can at least start. No one should live in the sort of hostile atmosphere she is creating in your home.

I'm sorry if this sounds cold hearted, but she is clearly mentally ill and the stress of caring for her could well kill you. If you die, she'll be in a facility with no one to advocate for her.