If I don't tell my Mom every move I make, she insists I'm keeping things from her. Any advice?

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Twilightzone Asked December 2014

If I don't tell my Mom every move I make, she insists I'm keeping things from her. Any advice?

Very annoying! I do intentionally omit things, such as things that aren't relevant and would worry her anxiety, or small things like moving a Christmas gift for someone into the other room after the third day she obsessed about when I was planning to deliver it to the person.
But sometimes I just don't mention an irrelevant, or private, detail of my day such as stopping at the store or going to the library (yes, you read that right, my life is a hotbed of excitement these days).
Even things I legitimately forgot to mention, small details elicit the response, "you never tell me anything!"
I'm really getting irritated and am tired of defending myself. I have no privacy as it is.
She also interrupts me constantly with insistence and urgency that whatever is in front her her is urgent, so I keep getting called away from other things I may be doing. (cords from electronics, wipe of the porch table etc, stuff that really isn't urgent) She also knocks on my door and constantly interrupts me, and it takes awhile to get focused again as a result. I do have a do not disturb sign but it will make her feel bad, although probably not worse than me snapping at her.
I wanted to enjoy some time on the front porch, but every ten minutes or so she's hovering around.
I end up snapping at her and feeling like a horrible person.. Unfortunately I don't have the patience of those more talented at being a 'caregiver.'
Just venting. I"m doing a lot better these days with the resentment coming out. I'm just so SICK of this.

Burnout

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score 2 · Answer 1

My mother became obsessed with details of when each if us was coming to visit, what time we'd be leaving our homes, when we would arrive, whether there would be enough food,etc. She'd worry if we were 5 minutes later than we said, or if it started to rain. None of us was living with her, but I imagine if we were, she'd have been obsessed about all the details of our comings and goings, too.

In retrospect, it signaled the beginning of cognitive decline. It was most likely the result of undiagnosed TIAS (according to the neurologist who saw her later), the result being not loss of memory, but loss of reasoning skills. Being able to tell what the important facts are and what to do with them.

I know that what you're experiencing with your mom is annoying as heck. But if you can see it as a change in mental status (if it is) then getting her in to see the proper doctor can make a huge difference.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Here is something that helped with my mom until her dementia progressed to the point that she doesn't know what day it is anymore. Purchase (or make) a calendar with large spaces for each day. Write everything you plan to do each day in the spaces. To begin with, make it as detailed as you can, including things like the library stop and delivering that gift. Tell her that you want to make sure that you don't forget something that you need to do. Then, when she wants to know what you are going to be doing, tell her to look at the calendar because you forgot. When she interrupts what you are doing to tell you to wipe the porch table, tell her to write it on the calendar so that you don't forget to do it when you are finished with what you are doing now. Hopefully you can train her to bother you less, and rely on the calendar to know what you are doing. You won't be keeping things from her because everything is written down. Of course, you decide how complete the calendar is.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Trapped it sounds as if mama needs a friend(s). Has she gone to the senior center in your are? or perhaps adult day care? Perhaps she needs more to occupy her than you! I do agree with freqflyer that it looks like you are both falling into that parent-child relationship, which I have been guilty of before, and it's hard to get out of it. Blessings to you and Happy New Year! Linda

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score 1 · Answer 4

Trapped, if you are living with your Mother full time it sounds like she is resorting back to the *parent - child* dynamics. She probably is treating you like you were 16 again. And that's tough role for Mom to break, to admit that you are a grown adult who can take care of herself.

Even though my parents still live on their own, they sometimes treat me like I am a child instead of a senior citizen myself :P

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score 0 · Answer 5

Privacy is very important. If one lacks privacy , one can feel imprisoned, even at home. You may not be able to change your mother's attitude toward your need for privacy, but perhaps you could create some creative boundaries of your own. You're already doing that with social media (on this site). Are there some other activities in which you could engage that would bring you joy, an a sense of fulfillment outside your living situation?

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score 0 · Answer 6

My mother asks me about where I'm going anytime I go out. I usually just tell her, though I have to admit sometimes it pings me a bit when she asks. Chances are she won't remember where I said I was going, anyway. It would bother me if she were knocking on my door every few minutes when I'm trying to work. I'm glad she doesn't do that unless there is something she needs me to do or something she has to tell me. This is usually more important to her than to me, so it can be annoying. She doesn't do it often, though, so it's no problem.

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score 0 · Answer 7

No, trapped, you didn't come off as if expecting us to remember you. I was just observing that I really like to be able to quickly check a profile and be reminded, "oh, yeah, this is the woman whose mother has cancer and just got out of the hospital" or whatever. I don't want to be as intrusive as your mother, but it helps to know a little background! :)

Why is mother living with you? What are her impairments? Why isn't she living alone? I think how I'd treat her intrusions into your space would depend somewhat on why they are happening. Some possibilities ...

1) She is very lonely and bored.
2) She has OCD and can't really control her compulsion to know details.
3) She hasn't really accepted you as an adult and she is trying to keep track of you as if your activities are her responsibility
4) She has always been nosy and this is a part of her personality
5) She is paranoid and fears you are hiding something dreadful from her, like scheming to move her out.

There are probably lots more. I guess the main distinction I'd make is whether this is a sign/symptom of failing mental health, or whether she is fully in control of what she is doing.

Do you have any thoughts on that?

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score 0 · Answer 8

I didn't mean 'keep up' - sorry, bad choice of words. I am falling all over myself tonight. I mean, 'keep up with every little detail of my lengthy detailed posts.' Not so self centered as to imagine that people are remembering the details of those. I hardly can remember who posted what or the names - just the discussion topics - so I'm right there as well.

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score 0 · Answer 9

@Jeannegibbs - oh I didn't mean it that way! I just didn't want to bother everyone with a " repeat" vent! Of course I don't expect everyone to keep up... sorry if it came off that way.
Oh I also didn't mean to shoot down suggestions - they are all really good. In this situation though change will likely be on my end because she's very set and very stubborn.
I think the real question here is how to respond to the accusation that i 'never tell her anything." Also this annoying insistence that I tell her everything. She wants to know everywhere I go. If i leave to go to the store, she expects me to tell her where I will be. She has been obsessive about knowing what my personal appointments are several months ahead, on the off-change they they might interfere with an appointment she won't be making for weeks. And so on. I don't really know many people here, but when I do go out she wants me to tell her. Casual conversation with a neighbor? Freaks out if I don't tell her. Etc.

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score 0 · Answer 10

trapped, see the Discussion "Mother has apparently forgotten that she is not very social" and you may find an answer.

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score 0 · Answer 11

Trapped123, I know I've read posts from you before, but it is hard to keep track of so many different posters. You could do us all a favor if you would and fill out your profile in a little more detail. Just basics, like is she living in your house or you in hers, is this intended to be permanent, what are her impairments, and how old she is.

I'm glad venting helps a little. I'm also glad you feel that you are getting better at dealing with the situation.

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score 1 · Answer 12

Thank you,
All those suggestions sound absolutely wonderful but she is very stubborn and would not be open to any of them. Trust me on that.
We do live together for now and that's part of the problem - I can't leave and then come back prepared to deal with it. I do alright for the most part these days, but sometimes I'm just fed up.
She has not been diagnosed with dementia and her memory is quite good - but there are other signs that are concerning. (have posted a bit about that before).
Mostly I was just venting, but need to find a way to have time and privacy to myself without her in every detail. And it's just because she's here, and I"m here, and she notices every little thing I do, whether clipping the bushes, using the scissors, didn't place the sponge back where she wanted it, etc. It's driving me INSANE. I don't want her to have every detail of my life. I am used to having my own life.
May need to get up earlier to be able to spend some personal time alone. Have been sleeping later than usual lately.
i wish I could keep her from knocking on my door every 30 minutes.

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score 0 · Answer 13

Trapped, sounds like your Mom doesn't have enough to occupy herself. It sounds like she is either bored and wants someone to talk to, or has some OCD where she thinks of something she has to act on it immediately [I have some of that myself].

Just wondering if there is a senior center nearby that she might benefit from being around others of her own age and being busy with the activities being offered. Or would she even want to do that?

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score 0 · Answer 14

You don't say what your mom's mental or physical diagnoses are. Or how old she is. Is she residing with you and for how long? Is this obsessive quality of her thought a lifelong thing, or a recent change in mental status?

She really needs to be worked up by a geriatric psychiatrist. Her outlook may be improved by antidepressants and/or anti anxiety meds. Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Let us know how it goes.

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If I don't tell my Mom every move I make, she insists I'm keeping things from her. Any advice?

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