One more thing. Since your mother was 47 when you had your first child at 22, that tells me that now she is 70 since you are 50. At 70, she could live 15-20 more years. Does she come from a family that tends to live long lives? That is something to think about in making your plans for the present and the future.
How old is your dad? Is he around 75? He may or may not outlive your mother, but who knows. Dose he come from a family that tends to live long into old age? His age and health needs to figure into the equation of a plan for them.
Have your children married and had children? Your relationships with them also need to be considered.
Are you working full time or part time? If so, then 50 is not a good time to leave the job market both because of age and because of building up your own retirement and social security benefits.
I see from your earlier thread in October 2014, that your mother has moderate vascular dementia; she is being mean to your dad; and you go over to there house for a few hours everyday, but you are feeling guilty for not wanting to be around your mother.
Was her doctor able to convince your mother to take a "mood" drug?
Has her doctor said anything about her needing 24/7 care? Has your dad's doctor said that he needs 24/7 care? Even with him being healthier, it is not fair for him as an older person to be expected to carry all of this. While she may be the one in greater need for a caregiver to come in for her health needs, he needs a break for his own well being and I don't see where with your own household that you will always be able to be the person who gives him a break.
Has her behavior toward your dad continued to get worse?
How is your dad doing currently?
How are you holding up with trying to maintain two households?
Have you read the stories on this site about adult children who moved in with their parents and those whose parents moved in with them? I suggest reading them. It paints a rather bleak picture. I would not recommend either particularly if you want to safeguard your marriage. If you think that you don't like being around your mother now, it will be even worse if you add spending the night with them. This will also increase their expectations for you to be their total caretaker which can become a trap and end up being a prison that is hard to get out of. So, if you can avoid it , don't go there.
Are you an only child or do you have siblings? If there are siblings, has there been a family meeting to discuss short term and long term plans for your parents?
What does you husband think and feel about all of this? Have ya'll discussed any plan for now and for later on?
Do you have durable and medical POA for both of your parents? I sure hope so.
What resources do your parents have like savings, investments, long term care insurance policy, retirement checks, social security that could be used to pay for caregivers to provide a night time caregiver or at some point 24/7 caregivers working in 8 hour shifts each?
Would they be open to the idea of moving to assisted living? Are they both healthy enough for assisted living?
At what point do you see either or both of them needing more care than an assisted living can give?
There needs to be a plan that takes care of your mother's need for care and safety, lifts much of the burden off of your dad while at the same time not spread you so thin between two households that you are about to break. Do you feel like you are about to break? I get the impression from your other thread that you may already be there and going over there to stay at night just might be the straw that breaks the camel.s back.
How are you dong emotionally? Are you feeling guilty that you can't do it all? Are you feeling still about not liking to be around your mom in her current mentality? Do you feel obligated to solve or resolve this entire situation by yourself? If so, is that sense of obligation coming from inside of you or from one or both of your parents? Are you afraid of telling your parents that you cannot do more than you are already doing and sharing with them what their options are?
I hope you can seek and find a solution that will neither throw their well being and safety and your well being and household under the bus.
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How old is your dad? Is he around 75? He may or may not outlive your mother, but who knows. Dose he come from a family that tends to live long into old age? His age and health needs to figure into the equation of a plan for them.
Have your children married and had children? Your relationships with them also need to be considered.
Are you working full time or part time? If so, then 50 is not a good time to leave the job market both because of age and because of building up your own retirement and social security benefits.
Was her doctor able to convince your mother to take a "mood" drug?
Has her doctor said anything about her needing 24/7 care? Has your dad's doctor said that he needs 24/7 care? Even with him being healthier, it is not fair for him as an older person to be expected to carry all of this. While she may be the one in greater need for a caregiver to come in for her health needs, he needs a break for his own well being and I don't see where with your own household that you will always be able to be the person who gives him a break.
Has her behavior toward your dad continued to get worse?
How is your dad doing currently?
How are you holding up with trying to maintain two households?
Have you read the stories on this site about adult children who moved in with their parents and those whose parents moved in with them? I suggest reading them. It paints a rather bleak picture. I would not recommend either particularly if you want to safeguard your marriage. If you think that you don't like being around your mother now, it will be even worse if you add spending the night with them. This will also increase their expectations for you to be their total caretaker which can become a trap and end up being a prison that is hard to get out of. So, if you can avoid it , don't go there.
Are you an only child or do you have siblings? If there are siblings, has there been a family meeting to discuss short term and long term plans for your parents?
What does you husband think and feel about all of this? Have ya'll discussed any plan for now and for later on?
Do you have durable and medical POA for both of your parents? I sure hope so.
What resources do your parents have like savings, investments, long term care insurance policy, retirement checks, social security that could be used to pay for caregivers to provide a night time caregiver or at some point 24/7 caregivers working in 8 hour shifts each?
Would they be open to the idea of moving to assisted living? Are they both healthy enough for assisted living?
At what point do you see either or both of them needing more care than an assisted living can give?
There needs to be a plan that takes care of your mother's need for care and safety, lifts much of the burden off of your dad while at the same time not spread you so thin between two households that you are about to break. Do you feel like you are about to break? I get the impression from your other thread that you may already be there and going over there to stay at night just might be the straw that breaks the camel.s back.
How are you dong emotionally? Are you feeling guilty that you can't do it all? Are you feeling still about not liking to be around your mom in her current mentality? Do you feel obligated to solve or resolve this entire situation by yourself? If so, is that sense of obligation coming from inside of you or from one or both of your parents? Are you afraid of telling your parents that you cannot do more than you are already doing and sharing with them what their options are?
I hope you can seek and find a solution that will neither throw their well being and safety and your well being and household under the bus.
Please let us know how things are going.
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