Why do I get blamed?

Very few if anyone with a personality disorder goes in for a diagnosis and few therapist will even tell you that you have one out of fear. A person often will be diagnosed when taken to the hospital because they have become a danger to themselves or others which means someone called 911 on them.

Yes, there are board and care home facilities, but taking someone in with a personality disorder would be questionable at least. There aren't any meds for these mental health problems because they are not physical like depression, ADD, bipolar, etc. They are social/psychological disorders that develop somehow. Only a highly motivated, high functioning person with a borderline peronality disorder will go into therapy, stick with it, take what meds they are prescribed for it is hard work, very hard work for them to get beyond the black/white thinking, etc. There is a group therapy experience specifically designed for them called DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Many therapist will not see any or just a few because they are so difficult and often want to emotionally enmesh themselves to their therapists.

If her mother's mental illness is not creating a safety risk for her or for others and she can basically function form day to day, they would likely leave her alone. Her daughter needs to run for the hills!

Cmagnum, if the Op's mother actually has a mental illness, she should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. Aren't there Board and Care homes/facilities for elderly mentally ill, separate from the other facilities, where the focus would be a bit different? My neighbor was here only a short time and was falling down alot and confused. No one knew how to help her. Finally, when 911 took her away, her son found a board and care, but I haven't seen much about these places.

"doesn't like you but don't want you to leave???!!!!! "

That's almost the exact title of the classic "I Hate you, Don't leave me" This is a classic way in which someone with a borderline personality disorder expresses their fear of abandonment. To meet this abandoment need they unfortuately act out in ways that make people abandon them which they interpret as the other person's fault.

However, they create these tornadoes and then step inside of their self-created drama as if they are its victim. It is not rational! They are not rational for they live by impulse.

Get out of there. Have some healthy boundaries in your life!

Yours is my situation. My mother fell, was placed in rehab. Medicare stopped paying last week. She's now there Medicaid Pending, which I'm told will definitely be accepted. Just about all the facilities I've looked at down here (FL) have a certain amount of Medicaid beds.

And you're correct re both Medicaid/Medicare applications. I believe the Medicaid facilitator (who I got through the facility's administration office (yes, I'm sure there is a kickback, but hey, if it helps to get her in I'll take it)

I have been looking around at other facilities and while I may have her moved, I'm not so sure it would be good for her. As you wrote, your mother's transition was seamless and I'd rather the same thing.

The problem as I see it is I don't know the circumstances of the original poster. Some states have lots of services, others not so much. This is why it's hard to advise anyone.

Anyway, thanks for posting. I just felt it would be better for all involved (esp since I saw the mom had just had total shoulder replacement surgery) if she were put into a rehab. She seemed to think she had a few days of respite from having to care for her mom when she actually may have had more and I thought I would bring it up.

:)

That was suppose to say get him into facility from home, sorry

I looked into getting my uncle into a facility and it was very hard from him. Once he was in the hospital, social worker suggested facilities which i did not care for so took it on myself to look at some closer to my home then his. Told the social worker which ones I liked and she made it happen. uncle was adamant that he did not want to live anywhere but home. However once there he was so happy. Still a loner but he called it his "little corner of the world".

Litledogtoo -

A rehab situation is the golden door to making changes, like you suggested. This is the point where mom/dad can just be transitioned from rehab right into another bed or facility. My mom was lucky to be in a continuum care place who simply shifted her from the "rehab room" to another room on the same floor once she became a "resident". It was seamless.

If somebody has Long Term Care insurance (not long term disability) it will pay board/housing like assisted living, nursing home room. Not a lot of people have prepared with this coverage, so they don't have it. My mom cancelled her policy and now has to pay out of pocket for her "rent" in memory care.

For low income people, MedicAID will pay the "rent". The facility has to be willing to take what medicaid will pay though. Not all places do.

MedicARE covers the skilled nursing, doctor, and some of her pharma. Her medi-gap plan covers more of her pharma, but there is still some out of pocket for her meds.

For my mom, living in a facility is the best thing that ever happened to her and it's worth every penny it costs.

I have to clarify my comment about rehab. My thought was jut to get her into rehab, then start to think about transferring her into a facility. Having the shoulder replacement is a good 'reason' to place her in a rehab for the therapy. While there, you can talk to one of the social workers and the doctor about placing her in a long term situation. You can tell them you are not capable of caring for her.

It all depends on where you live, what's available, etc.

Moving a loved one into assisted living isn't as easy as it sounds. Assisted Living costs money and Medicare does not pay for it, at least not where I am. Usually, 'assisted living' is self pay, while rehab will be paid for by Medicare (if she has it) with the opportunity of perhaps applying for Medicaid (if she qualifies).

I know of no instance where assisted living is paid for by insurance. Then again, we seem to be all using terminology that isn't the same. There are many different types of living arrangements, but some are self pay. You have to sort through all (if you think your mom's driving you nuts' wait til you get to this part) ask questions of the facility that she'll hopefully end up in and go from there.

Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Look it up. It may explain a lot about your life. Then come find us over on the Dysfunctional Families thread. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families-149068.htm

FANCY404 - YOU have to grab the reigns here and make some rules. You cannot abandon your obligation or right to earn a wage and live as an adult. You can't become an extension of mom and satisfy all her unsatisfyable needs. It's not possible so quit chasing it. I lived it, I know it.

Get her into a safe situation and get your life back in hand. This may mean she needs to move into an assisted living/skilled nursing situation because her needs are only going to increase, not decrease. This is not a temporary situation that will be over in 6 weeks. You are not the answer to all her problems. You can be the person who finds options and gets her setup to be taken care of properly, so you can get back to your business and sanity.

Think about the long game, and we will help you make a plan.

I have to ask who will care for her when she comes home from shoulder replacement?

When my mother had a knee replacement, I had her placed in a rehab center because I wasn't going to argue with her about doing her PT/CT exercises.

So, the question is: Who is going to be home when she gets home from the surgery?

Hopefully, you will have to ('have to") work and she will have to be placed in a rehab center.

This will give you four to six weeks to breath. You won't have to put up with her complaining about the exercises, and the list goes on.

I ended up in this situation because I'm the only one available with a flex schedule, her only kid, and no one else wants to do it.

Moms illnesses are: degenerative disc disease, hypertensive, diabetes, torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders, really bad athritis in the spine (spondylosis) are the main issues.

Emotionally, I would call it unstable because she acts as if she doesn't like you but don't want you to leave???!!!!! I don't understand and I'm trying to. When she suggests that I sleep with her I initially felt that was so strange and declined. I draw the line there. I understand sometimes crawl around on her big bed and watch a good movie or have a snack with her on it, but bedtime is sacred to me. I have to refuel and rest my mind and soul. (& might want to talk on the phone without her ear hussling my conversation). She asked me to come home because she couldn't drive, was having a hard time managing her bills, and doing everyday things. She explained it was hard for her to cook for herself and she had been eating soup everyday. I left home when I was 18yrs old and hadn't been back except for visiting. I feel like now she tricked me into coming home. She said she needed me and I came. I never thought she would treat me so badly. My Aunt says she doesn't know how I deal with her and she doesn't come around.

So, I don't know what to do. Now my business is suffering from my lack of attention and work.

It would be nice to know how you ended up in this situation in order to help you out of it.

What exactly is your mother's illness and why on earth is she demanding this sleep in?

Have you been under her control your entire life?

Today she has had shoulder replacement surgery. I'm the only one here. NO one showed up but they have been texting me to see if "I'm alright" and then ask about my mom. I don't know.

These next few days will be a break for me though. I'm going to go to the gym and work out, chill at Starbucks, meander in the store without having to rush back. I'm going to talk to perfect strangers and smile. I may even flirt with somebody - LOL!

Yeah, it would make such a huge difference IF she was just "nice". I'm afraid what will happen once I run out of steam.

I have suggested assisted living but she refuses.

Fancy404 I don't really have an answer to your question but am so sorry! I have zero experience with this but have you ever thought of placing mom in assisted living/nursing home? It is very hard caring for someone at home but to care for a mean individual who does nothing but blame and critizing is a whole other ballgame. Perhaps others here will have useful suggestions for you.

I so appreciate the thoughtful and insightful sharing of comments and answers. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Yes, it is much more than just excessive gas as to why my mom may be acting out. I'm a very objective person yet have compassion for all sides in a situation. My mom hates that but I'm not changing that quality about myself - it's who I am ( & maybe too much like my father in her opinion). She hates everything and everyone. She has pushed everyone away in the family so no one wants to come visit or help me when I'm over loaded. My mom is always the victim, has always procrastinated then dumps the mess in my lap to fix, constantly criticize me, and says I don't do anything right. I'm just burned out. I'm very optimistic where she is an extreme pessimist. There's no one else to help and I feel guilty for even writing this, but I have NO BREAK.

No one in my family blames me for anything, but my mom blames me for EVERYTHING since the womb for things going wrong or not working out right in life. I've always known my mom wasn't the nicest growing up and she was hard on me, but here lately, I've learned just how mean she really was and is. I learned that my grandmother wanted to take me away from her because she was so mean to me growing up. It's amazing if that's all you know-how its deceives into believing treatment like that is "normal". Now, I'm the only one left standing willing to take care of her. I'm baffled and confused. I'm full of resentment yet I try to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. I don't want to be a disappointment or uncaring because she is my mother. BUt God what do I do with this??????

Hope, brings back many memories for me 😥. Just concentrate on your mom now, you can figure out the future later. Wishes for Peace and comfort for you and your mom.

Agreed Patrice :) It is odd how much I don't fear my own passing but I am so afraid of losing Mama.....It almost killed me losing Daddy but Mama was here for me then. When she is gone, I will then assume the role of one of the elder adults in the family..where in the world did all those years go? It is so hard on them becoming frail and unable to do for themselves...The loss of privacy, etc. even if they can't acknowledge it I know it has to be unsettling. Mama responds to gentle touches so much. When I bathe her I usually sing to her and I can see how soothing it is to her...probably not my voice so much as in being in tune :) but just hearing my voice..And since I have calmed myself down and stopped panicking so much, I seem to see a calmer demeanor in her...We will make it through all this...there are just so many factors going on all at once....

I think that we, as caregivers, are afraid of what is to come and I think our parents feel the same way. Losing their independence must be do hard, I know my mom was so afraid of many things and Hope 22 my dad is like yours, he just wants to see me. It is a whole new world for both us and our parents and, in my opinion, we need to remember that everything we do we must try to be motivated by love not fear.

I remember when Daddy was getting pretty sick, he got to where he wanted me there with him all the time, where he could see me. If I got out of his sight he was calling for me. I loved Daddy as much as any daughter ever loved their Daddy, and I was so afraid of losing him, but he wanted me close so much and I knew it was because he loved me so much, but it became maddening. I remember one time (and this was when I still had my own home and lived over two hours away) but I was there visiting him and I went to the kitchen and he started calling for me. I told Mama...Dear Lord I am losing my mind Mama, I can't sit in there 24/7 with him...She very calmly told me I know that dear, but he just wants to see you...he just wants to know you are near...and I remember getting very upset and telling her I can't fix it..I can't make him well..he is driving me out of my mind...and I went in there and looked at him, and he was lying there looking so pitiful...and I walked away....oh God, I walked away....even though I wasn't gone long, I went back and stayed in there with him, but I will never forget walking away..that was over 18 years ago and it still haunts me...I am possibly getting off topic, I'm sorry..I just have that memory and just thinking out loud maybe she is kind of like my Daddy, she just wants to know you're there...and looking at why I walked away? I knew he was getting more and more frail and I could not save him, and I knew I was going to lose him and it was scaring me so much I didn't want to admit it...without more info I don't know how far advanced your Mom's sickness is, but as mentioned maybe she just wants to be near you... ((Hugs)) but I do understand.

Patrice, when we first brought Mama home from rehab after her horrific accident, I also slept beside Mama because I did not want her falling out of her bed or falling if she started getting up during the night....I found some of those bedrails that you can attach to any regular bed that later on I bought because she told me I was keeping her awake and turned too much..haha...oh how I long for those days now....you are right, precious precious moments.....Once I got the bed rails and one of those bed alarms, I was able to sleep better knowing if she started getting up I would be alerted and the rails kept her in the bed til I could get there...Those items were a lifesaver...I see the rails in there now and the alarm, and I know I will never need them again. Mama is now so frail and totally bedfast that she can't lift her arms, let alone get up or roll out of her hospital bed.

I do agree there are some other things probably going on for you Fancy..and the GasX and Beano could help with her gastric issues, but there could be a more serious medical problem going on...You are young and it sounds like you are frustrated and maybe a little fearful of losing your own life. I know that is how I felt back when I first started doing this..Heck, I still feel that way at times ..but it also sounds like your Mom just wants to be close to you...Don't give up having time to yourself, but it could be your Mom just loves you so much she wants to be close to you and having you there next to her makes her feel secure....

Fancy404, Who exactly is blaming you, are there family members who think you are not a good caregiver?
Regardless, if there are other family that could be sharing the duties, make it clear you need help. If they can't or won't help, does mom have funds to pay a companion caregiver? Or maybe she would feel less lonely in a senior apartment. I don't know much details about her needs, but obviously youre overburdened by caring for her. One thing is for sure, Change requires Change. You need to make a change.

On a different note, I slept with my mom every night so my dad could get some rest. In the early days I was up the whole night but once getting the overactive bladder MEDS and seroquel the nights became better. Some of the best moments and memories i had with my mom was while we were laying in bed. My mom was much more talkative at night. These are memories I will treasure forever. When it was i longer possible for mom in law to stay alone i suggested to sister for safety reasons for her to sleep with mom. She was appalled! However she was forced to sleep in same bed so mom didn't fall when nature called. After mom died she came to me crying saying that her best memories of her mom will be those late night conversations when they were able to have one on one time.
You definitely deserve your alone time and I fully understand the farting and burping in public but I have learned to make light of the situation "oh sorry, dad had bean soup for lunch" type comments and have never had anyone be mean or derogatory. Your "me time" is for your sanity, absolutely do not give that up or let your mom make you feel guilty. Hang in there, hopefully it will get better.
Being

Congratulations, you are now the proud parent of a five-year-old adult child.
Gosh, talk to your friends about how to handle toddler tantrums, because that is strikingly similar to what you are dealing with. No you don't sleep with her any more than you would a small child. Draw the line there.
On the other hand, the farts are produced by what you eat. Cut back on the beans and onions. Buy some Bean-O or Gas -X.
Put a bay leaf under your arm. It won't stop you from sweating but you will smell like soup. LOL.

You get blamed because you are there. What can you control? Your presence in the situation. Get yourself out of there.

There are many of us here who come from exceptionally abusive parents, and are now in a caregiving role, or expected to be the caregiver. So we know of what we speak.

The very, very simple answer is to not be there with her. I'm sure it's much more complicated than this. Without any information about your mom's medical situation it's hard to make other recommendations.

Have her see a doctor for the gas, and a geriatric psychiatrist for her mental issues. Gas that bad can come from many different causes. Her diet, her meds, a real medical problem.

Sounds like there's a lot of enmeshed problems that you both need help with.
The first thing I'd do is find somewhere else to live though.

Gas-X and a geriatric psychiatrist.