Mom's care facility is suggesting that she leave "because she seems so unhappy. How do we approach this?

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anonymous191367 Asked February 2015

Mom's care facility is suggesting that she leave "because she seems so unhappy. How do we approach this?

Our mom has been in a dementia care facility for 3 weeks. She's 89. She landed there after a stint overnight in an ER and then two weeks in a geropsychiatric unit after she stopped eating, had her neighbors in a tizzy, and called the police several times. She has a long history of mental illness but she's always been pretty functional, but now she's at an age and state where she needs a more help was not willing to accept this untl she was backed into a corner. Anyway, at the geropyschiatric hospital they diagnosed her with moderate to severe dementia and told us to find a dementia care place. She's been diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia. The place we found for her is nice, and small and homey. However, most of the residents are quiet and compliant, whereas our mom is manipulative, childish, sneaky, and smart and demands to get her way. She is upsetting the balance of the place and now they are suggesting that she leave because "she seems so unhappy here." We really don't want to move her as we don't know that any other place would be better and the moving is very tough on her. How do we approach this situation? Are there better environments for difficult people like her?

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score 0 · Answer 1

I have found that staff will cherry pick patients and if they have the ear of the administrator they will operate as a puppy mill of sorts until they get low maintenance patients. This is exactly what is happening where my mother is and I may be forced to move her for her own safety as well as mine.
No doubt they did an assessment on your mom before she moved in there and agreed to the terms and conditions. Now they are backing out. It seems common these days. The wicked are being rewarded and there is little accountability.
You and I may be forced to find other arrangements. I pray for us.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Start looking for a psychiatric nursing home today.

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score 0 · Answer 3

A spoiled mentally ill person whose been enabled to continue in their ways without any boundaries and consequences by staff who don't know how to handle that type of person with those kinds of needs is a sad state of affairs. The staff there are just not trained how to deal with her and may not have all that strong of boundaries themselves.

I don't remember exactly what kind of psychiatric care place emjo23's mother is in, but she could give you some extra insight and support. Her mother has a personality disorder and has been very difficult to deal with. Here's the web address to emjo23's wall. You may want to contact her about your situation as well.

Do you think the staff would listen if you shared with them that your mom does not need anymore spoiling and that is in fact contributing to things getting worse? I like the idea of "mom if you don't _____________, then we are left with not other option than to move you to a psychiatric nursing home. She needs to know what is expected of her, that current behavior is not acceptable anymore, and if she does not do those things, her location and caregiving situation will change.

https://www.agingcare.com/Members/emjo23

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score 2 · Answer 4

Unless the home she is in has experience dealing with patients with dementia and mental illness, this is probably not a good fit.

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score 0 · Answer 5

Yup, she's spoiled. She absolutely has a personality disorder-the meds helped with paranoia and anxiety but they don't do much much of her other stuff, which has been around forever but is worse now. Before we put her in the dementia care unit, she was in a geropsychiatric ward to stabilize her, and there she did much better because the staff understood how to deal with her. But they could not take her long term. A psychiatric nursing home may be the way to go, or at least where we'll tell her she's going if she doesn't start taking her meds/start eating/getting dressed/ etc. Thank you for the feedback!!

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score 0 · Answer 6

Big deal the meds are not from her pharmacy. They never are in a nursing home. Sounds like she may have a personality disorder which aren't controllable with meds.

It also sounds like she's spoiled and used to people letting her get her way which means enabling her controlling behavior. That needs to stop.

Sounds like some boundaries are needed with some concrete consequences.

If she doesn't straighten up, then she may end up being a prime candidate for a psychiatric nursing home.

Good luck!

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score 0 · Answer 7

Thank you all very much for the feedback. She is refusing to take her meds on a regular basis because they are not from the pharmacy she is used to, so very likely that is contributing to the issues. She has been on prozac and ritalin for a long time as well as an antipsychotic for paranoia that's pretty new. Even when taking her medications she is extremely controlling but she's definitely worse now, I think in part because the staff is not used to dealing with someone like her. I think she's getting PLENTY of attention and that's part of the problem. She bosses the staff and other residents around a lot and makes unreasonable demands. They also try to trick her into doing things,which is a huge mistake with her. My sisters and I live out of state but have been traveling long distances to see her. I think she may be trying to get herself out of this place and it's working. I guess my question is--do we take a hard line with her and tell her she had better shape up (take her meds, stop refusing to get dressed) or we won't visit her anymore?

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score 0 · Answer 8

What meds is she on for her mental illness? Maybe those need adjusting.

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score 0 · Answer 9

I suggest strongly that while she is there you pop in unexpectedly at different times .And not always in the same vehicle . Sometimes patients who are difficult do not get the attention they need because the staff wants to avoid them or they bump into things and end up with bruises.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Do you know how long it takes her present meds to start working? Talking to her doctors could be a route to take. Good luck.

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score 3 · Answer 11

I don't think 3 weeks is a long enough adjustment period. Your mom needs time to get acclimated to her new surroundings. I'm surprised that the facility is suggesting she move so soon.

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score 3 · Answer 12

You get her better meds from the geriatric psychiatrist. It's either that or a facility where she is locked up. Your choice.

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Mom's care facility is suggesting that she leave "because she seems so unhappy. How do we approach this?

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