My father is healthy and up to a couple of months ago when his car broke down he was driving. My sister and I know about the 2 younger women and have discussed the fact that he was giving his money away but because he seemed to be in his right mind we left it alone. Before his care broke down his soc and retirement checks were gone by the middle of the month. Again it is his money. He lives with my sister who charges him nothing so he should have money. A few weeks ago my sister called me because one of the women had picked him up and when he was dropped back off his face was bruised, swollen and bleeding. She took to.the hospital. The police were called. Because he could not or would not say what happened there was nothing the police could do. We are pretty sure he did not fall because his clothing was not wet or dirty and we live where there is lots of snow right now. The police involved have told us that this women is not a good person and they are looking for her because of other charges against her. My father gets very upset with my sister and I because we have made a decision not to take him to the area this women lives in. Both women live close to each other. My sister and I don't want or need his money but we don't like seeing him taken advantage of. When we try to get him involved with activities with people his age he calls them old. Wondering at his age should we do what we think is right to keep him safe or should we let him do what makes him happy. A promise was made to my mom that we would take care of him after she died. I don't know what the right decision is. How in control should we be of his life when he seems to be in his right mind.
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There are resources who can help you. In each State, there are elder advocates. When a person we had hired to be a companion to Dad was having him pay for things that were not appropriate (e.g. clothes and manicure /pedicures), I took him to meet with an advocate. She told him that her responsibility was to him, not to me or anyone else. That was good because she made it clear she was not there to support what I wanted. She then told him an example of someone who had signed away his vehicle to a young woman who he thought cared for him.
My sister and I then met with the caregiver at a public location and requested that she stay away from Dad. He was very angry with me and told me I was trying to ruin his life. It was horrible because we were close and I wanted him to be happy. The now former caregiver then contacted him secretly and since he was living alone we were unaware of what was happening. We learned that she was back in the picture when we hired someone to live with him to help around the house and with cooking, and to be a companion and go do fun activities. He fired her and threw her out of the house because the former caregiver had been staying there some of the time. What was most insidious about the situation is the former caregiver was clearly coaching him to hide what was happening. If there was one thing that put me into super protective mode it was to try to get between me and my Dad. In the end, we did what you have done and removed him from the situation where this person could get easy access.
Because of this, I would encourage you to keep your Dad living with your sister. He can be active and get out and do things, and if he gives his money away, he'll still be safe and cared for. If he is living in independent or assisted living, you have no idea where he goes or with whom. At the same time, I would try to find activities that he can do on his own so he has some autonomy. Once in his 90s, Dad enjoyed going on weekly excursions with a local group that plans activities for people with disabilities. They qualified him because he was "unsteady" on his feet. Though most were older, they did things like going canoeing, to the rodeo, to the movies, and camping. It was not just playing bingo. He made friends and enjoyed himself.
I hope something in all of that is helpful.
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Sit him down and try to have logical but frank discussion on how dating has changed and can be dangerous. Next tell him if he lives with you and continues down this road and puts YOUR family at risk (maybe one of these women will come to your house and steal, get your personal info etc) that he will have to move elsewhere or agree to have him contribute to expenses and you safe keep that money....give him an allowance.
Not sure any of this will work, but threatening that he will need to move may straighten him up or he may really move. Get him involved at senior center, bluebird trips, church, etc where he can meet others and occupy his time, maybe meet a more appropriate female companion that you can welcome in your home.
Good luck.
Of course Dad still wants a bit of hanky panky whether he is capable or not but I won't get into what the younger generation thinks is appropriate for us elders. It is well known that men who have affairs and are financially abused are too ashamed to take action against the perpetrator and do their best to hide their transgressions. As I posted earlier it is just possible that Dad learned his lesson this time. there is certainly something he does not want the daughters to find out.
If either of those two ladies is worthwhile, they'd be on the phone making concerned enquiries about how he's doing - and IF that happens you can always relent later. If not, good riddance to them. Sort him out some lively company with broad-minded ladies who are as lonely as he is, there's no shortage; but don't insult him with "age appropriate" activities. Remember that one day you and I will have those inflicted on us, and frankly I'd rather stick red hot needles in my eyeballs than sing along to badly played show tunes.
Meanwhile, your sister should keep a weather eye on him for any other changes in personality or behaviour, which need reporting to his PCP a.s.a.p. I'm delighted that he hasn't lost his taste for a rip-roaring time, but unless he was always like that it should ring alarm bells.
Obviously, I'm only guessing based upon what you've shared, but I have a hunch Dad is just attracted to the attention and diversion these women provide. Being old is boring.
I'd try to get him involved in a day program for seniors. If he hits it off with anyone there, he may be willing to go a few (or hopefully more) days a week. If there is no good program near you, try to find some other social outlet for him. Apparently, the attention of women is appealing to him even if it's accompanied by abuse. Fortunately, at most senior centers, men are in short supply. That can lead to lots of attention.
Ideally, if he had the funds, I'd move him into an independent senior living apartment. There'd be plenty of activity to keep him going and he'd be sure to find friends to share meals with and just "shoot the breeze" with.
Good luck, this has to be hard for you and your sister. Be sure to take time for you.