My Mom will not leave my house, and she won't seek help for herself. What can I do?

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Haleykins22 Asked February 2015

My Mom will not leave my house, and she won't seek help for herself. What can I do?

My name is Haley and my mother has been staying with my soon to be husband and I for a little over a year. In jan 2014 my mother had a car accident and had to be placed in rehab. Also during that time she lost her home and was moved into my home. Now with that being said, I have a 3 year lease at the house i currently stay at and my mother is only 48. She is rude and verbally abusive to both myself and my fiance. When i moved into the house my name is the only name on the lease, my mother insisted on placing the utilities in her name. We did, but i pay them since she has no income. She smokes all day everyday, is diabetic and doesnt use her meds correctly and just wont take care of herself. There was no outstanding agreement when she moved into my home. Now i have a child on the way and there isnt enough room and she will not change. I have politely asked her to find somewhere else to go, meaning i have asked her to look for another stable home as this one will be too small for all of us and i cannot break my lease. She has since become IRATE and refuses to allow me to place the utilities in my name, and has been verbally abusive to everyone since. How can i resolve this? I cannot handle it anymore, im due in august and the house has major repairs to be done before baby gets here and she stands in the way of them.

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score 1 · Answer 1

I had a problem roommate, in a 2 BR apartment, and bravely went to my landlord to explain that I just couldn't live witb my roommate for various reasons. I was going to move out and wanted to do whatever the landlord wanted, to let me out of the lease but was totally honest and willing to work with the landlord. To my surprise, the landlord said they also did not like several things about my roommate, and they preferred that I stay there. The next day they informed the roommate there were several things that would have to change or be required to move--in a nutshell, roommate was GONE in short order. I had to struggle for awhile with paying the whole rent, before I found another roommate. But it was worth it. In general, landlords appreciate honesty and will reward goodness with goodness. So I believe it is worth it to have a talk with your landlord, they might be willing to facilitate your staying in the apartment and getting your mom out of there. Especially if she's smoking and that is not allowed--check your Lease--but that is hardly allowed anywhere, and not good for babies!!!

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score 2 · Answer 2

Haley sorry about all you are going through. Boundaries!! Tell her she has 30/60 days to find a place to live or you will be moving her into a facility which takes disablility/medicaid patients and stick to that decision. Your mother is using you as mop and doormat. Just because she is your mother doesn't allow her to disrespect you. She works the guilt well I can tell. Now is the time to tell her to move out before the baby is born. Otherwise you will have two babies on your hand, one that you will cherish and the other baby (your Mom) will take all the wonderful experiences away from you as a couple starting your family. Mom needs to put a pacifier in her mouth and move.!!! I know easier said than, I have been there. You are not any less of a good daughter by asking her to move, even though she says so. You will be a better daughter and better off if she does move. From: not afraid of my Mom any more.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Haley, you may have to stop being so polite. You would not be polite to a freeloader who overstayed their welcome as a short term guest, and that's what your mom has become, to her detriment first but also to you and now to an innocent fetus. If mom can get ugly and demand her name stays on utilities you can get ugly back and demand her behavior changes or you do what needs done. Except, honestly - it's not really ugly to insist someone stops harming themselves and others. Being too polite to call a halt to a bad situation helps no one. Mom may - or may not - have tenant rights and the legal route may be what you have to take. This sucks for all concerned and I hope there is a way out of it.

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score 1 · Answer 4

If repairs need to be made, that is landlord's expense not yours.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Whatever you do, do not move out before the end of your Lease, otherwise the Landlord could come after you for the remaining time and rent on said Lease.

The Lease was made between the Landlord, you, and your fiance.... no where on the Lease is your mother's name. With Mom being there, it could be in violation of the Lease unless you gave the landlord notice of a 3rd adult residing in the residence.

And does the Landlord allow smoking in the home? Vast majority do not, and if someone is smoking there the landlord could keep your security deposit and demand extra money to clean up the tobacco stains that accumulate on everything.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Try to get her to see a neurologist. She's young for Alzheimer's, but early onset Alz can produce symptoms as early as age 30. Trauma can also cause the disease to progress rapidly. My father's first symptom was extreme anger.

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score 0 · Answer 7

Your problem is the physical move. You might be able to get her evicted and physically moved, but you have to decide it that's a course you feel comfortable with. Another option, and depending on how you would feel about this, but if your 3-year lease is almost done, just don't renew it. Move somewhere else and don't move her with you. I mean, I'd help her find another place if I were you, just to feel you aren't really abandoning her, but I wouldn't bring her along.

That would solve the issues with the utilities. In a new place, just put them in your name when you move-in.

That's kind of a hassle for you but it's something to consider. Also, moving to a new place, it could be less smoky than the place she's been smoking in all this time.

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score 0 · Answer 8

Call your county's office of human services. Talk to a social worker and explain the situation. Make it clear that you are moving your mother out. Maybe her behaviors are a result of the car accident, maybe she's depressed. Could be lots of things. The bottom line is that she's 48 years old and not functioning as an adult. Furthermore, she is abusing you, your boyfriend and your unborn child.

It's time for your mom to get in the system. Maybe she'll qualify for SSDI, maybe the insurance company will cover her continued expenses from the accident. Let a social worker sort that out.

The quickest way out would be to just pack up and leave. If worse comes to worst, do that. It could impact your ability to rent your next apartment though. You couldn't use your current landlord as a reference. So, if you like where you live, first try getting mom out.

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score 1 · Answer 9

The first priority I am concerned with is her smoking while you are pregnant. Secondhand and third hand smoke is MORE harmful than actually smoking. Either you get away from her or you probably will have damage done to your unborn child. You can have her legally put out of your house by filing an order of protection. If she has no income, try filing for social security's disability if she can prove she has a disability. Either way, this is HER problem, and you need to protect yourself, and your unborn child. No lease is impossible to get out of and you need to talk with your landlord to see what can be done. You can always walk away and let her fiend for herself. Trust me, she will do something for herself. What is your fiancé saying about all of this?

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score 0 · Answer 10

Here is a thread from an earlier discussion about a woman who was abused by her MIL and who successfully evicted her. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm You might find it informative.

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score 1 · Answer 11

Who buys your mom cigarettes if she has no income? Where I live it's a very expensive habit. Are there any other family members or close friends to help? Your mother is only 48, that is young! She doesn't even qualify for AARP. Has she always been difficult to get along with? Did she suffer a brain injury from the car accident? I agree with cetude, it sounds as though she may be depressed. Adult services are available for anyone over 18 where I live, maybe they could help you get your mom a place to live. If she's not taking her medications for diabetes, that would also have an affect on her both mentally and physically. You are expecting a baby, and if your mother is unstable she should not be allowed near the child until her health issues are under control. This is a tough situation for all, I would get the professionals involved. Good luck and God bless, Sue

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score 1 · Answer 12

I t sounds like she wants control. I would be careful not to give her too much.

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score 3 · Answer 13

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get out and do it right! Anyone who reads your story will expect a lot more flack from your mom and perhaps even violence. This is no situation for a baby.

Stay cool. Stay on the right side of the law. Dot your Is and cross your Ts. And get out.

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score 3 · Answer 14

It makes me wonder where she gets the money to smoke all day--it's a very expensive habit these days. Meds are very costly enough without the added expense of smoking. If I were you, I would take her to see her doctor and explain what is going on--she may have depression issues. Considering she lost her home and independence anyone would feel the same way. If her behavior gets so out of hand to the point she's a danger to herself, you may have to get her in the Emergency Room. Try to get her to her doctor if you can and go from there.

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score 4 · Answer 15

If she is disabled, even at 48, her auto insurance should be covering her medical bills from the accident. She should be on Medicare after a year of disability and receiving SSDI. Leave the utilities in her name. All leases have an escape clause. If she won't move, I would.

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My Mom will not leave my house, and she won't seek help for herself. What can I do?

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