My mom is 93, in fairly good health and still lives in her own condo, even though she is legally blind and has mobility issues (i.e. needs to use a walker all the time). I am her primary "go to" person for grocery shopping, doctor appointments and anything else she needs.
In the past few months, she's developed this habit of freaking out if she calls my home and I don't answer the phone right away. She'll leave a voice-mail and start calling around to different relatives to see if they know where I am. The most recent incident was the other day. I was in the shower. She called and left two voicemails within 20 minutes. When I returned her call, she was all agitated...she said she thought I'd been in an accident. She even got out her rosary and started to pray. I told her that I was fine; I was just in the shower. I again told her that it's not good for her to get this upset. She tells me I don't understand...I've never been a mother. Then I point out that she never did this until just a few months ago. I try to get her to explain why she's doing this all of a sudden, and she changes the subject.
This behavior makes me feel so uncomfortable...like I can't even take a shower for fear that she'll call me and go haywire if I don't answer the phone. Does anyone else have this issue with a parent?
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She too,if I dont answer her call on the first ring and goes ballistic. Or if she lives with me she has a bell she rings...do I need say more. I love my mother, but I do not like her. I sought counseling...my counselor said because she has done this all her life with me, it has just gotten worse with age. The question she stated to me to ask my Mom was "do you want a daughter or a caretaker because I can't do both?" It is setting boundaries with your Mother. I said she would have two weeks, either go home or go to assisted living place because I was no longer capable of taking care of her demands.
I use to call her anyday, she NEVER calls me...I set my boundaries and asked politely if she would call me the next day. It took 10 days of waiting and she never called!!! I called her and she read me the riot act. I said she was suppose to call me (and no she didn't forget either) She said it was not her responsibility to call me, it was my job to call her. Politely I told she needed an attitude adjustment she became furious and threatened to hang up on me and she did. I did not call her back for two weeks then she called me not apologizing but saying "Hello it is so nice to hear voice, I missed talking with you." It's about boundaries!
PS - I am not talking about people with dementia or Alheizmer's whole different game, but the scenario of making boundaries for yourself still stands otherwise you are going to be in the next bed to your mother, either seriously ill and/or insane. Done that for 55 years of my life....counseling and setting boundaries helped me in the last five years. My mom decided she wanted a daughter after all.
She has caregivers in on Mondays and Fridays to do light housekeeping, change her bed, etc. They also help her shower, although she's still able to do this on her own on other days of the week. She has a cleaning lady in to do a thorough clean once a month. She makes simple meals and heats up stuff in her toaster oven. There's a senior centre across the street where she buys cheap, nutritious meals. So, she really does all right on her own...for now. I know this can change.
Mom has been waffling on the idea of assisted living. She's very influenced by her friends' opinions. A while ago, someone she knows moved to an AL facility and she loves it, so mom was all gung-ho about taking a look at some places. Recently, another friend said that she wouldn't go into an AL because mealtimes are regulated in the dining room. Mom now says she would hate going to breakfast, lunch and dinner at designated times. She likes to eat when she feels like it and do her own thing.
So, for now the plan is to keep Mom in her condo as long as possible and if/when her needs change, bring in care-givers more often...every day if need be. However, that doesn't ease my burden. Yesterday, after working all day and then picking up Mom's groceries and delivering them to her, she said, "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you. I would have to go live in assisted living." I just said, "Well, I don't think I'm going anywhere anytime soon. Let's not worry about that just now." I think her statement says it all...when she doesn't reach me on the phone right away, she's afraid that something's happened to me and that she'll be left to fend for herself. I get that, but wow, does that ever put pressure on me.
2. She is losing her grip on reality as well as some of her abilities and faculties, and is scared to death. If she has enough short term memory, your calling her at predictable times may work well for both of you.
Once, my mom asked me "If I call you on the phone and you don't answer, does it mean you aren't there?" Not sure where she thought I would be. I always tried to answer, but sometimes she would misdial and be upset; I guess I was lucky she usually blamed the phone and not me personally. Its just hard. And when it stops because they can't dial at all anymore, that's hard too, though more emotionally rather than practically. If you can find anything that occupies her time better it may help reduce but probably not eliminate this; sometimes more pictures of loved ones around will be reassuring too. I tried to get my Mom a CEIVA frame and could have loaded it up with new grandkid pix or funny sayings or stuff most every day, but she hated technology too much and wouldn't have it.
My 101-year-old mil , R, with serious vision issues, refuses assisted living or having someone live with her--but like your mom, has 2 neighbors happy to help. This arrangement helps her only-child son and me: these 2 neighbors phone each day to say "hello" so R knows they care. Once a week (Mon. and Friday) each asks if they can take her grocery shopping (the cart provides stability for walking-- she likes to go); pick up groceries for her; or do other errands. If it's a regular offer and your mother says "yes" once, she may look forward to it. We are mostly rid of the grocery-shopping.
Do check with her neighbors assuming you think they're responsible and willing. The next time grocery shopping comes up--suggest she give a (verbal) list to the neighbor or your brother.
Re: phone. Can Mom see a large clock? Remind her constantly that if you don't answer because you could be in the shower (or whatever), you'll get back to her in an hour or two hours, unless she leaves an emergency message. If she can't see, she may not realize how much time passes. That's another issue.
You and your mom have established some rules for the game--so to speak. Once entrenched, they're hard to break. You've evidently reinforced you're "Johnny-on-the spot." But if you can let go and change one small piece of the game, your mother will need to make a small change to stay in the game etc. Good luck.
Paranoia over takes the elder.
Just tell your mom how wonderful it would be for her to do some things and take her to some facilities, meet some friends, or she could have "company" come in and help until you can get her in somewhere. Good luck! Hugs
I hope they find a way to stop this because they expect numbers to triple in the near future of those being diagnosed with some kind of dementia.
There are very good reasons why mom is this clingy (dementia being number one), but that doesn't mean you can live under the pressure of trying to fulfill her needs. Get her into an AL (even if finances are an issue, sit with an elder law attorney and make a Medicaid spend down plan). If she was living in a community, you could comfortably not answer the phone (she'll likely still call you) and know that there's someone helping her deal with her anxiety; distracting her, comforting her... and that she's not just spinning into a lather over it all alone in her apartment.
I find my father can be temporarily calmed by receiving a regular text. It will stop his phone calling for hours at a time. With your mom's low vision, texting would require some ingenuity. I think an iPhone will read a text aloud. You could try that in the meantime.