When your husband resents you for allowing your Mom to move in. Anyone relate?

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Cbear73 Asked March 2015

When your husband resents you for allowing your Mom to move in. Anyone relate?

My mother is 78 and asked to move in with my husband and me 7 months ago. My husband used to have a good relationship with her but now has become bitter and resentful. He hibernates in the bedroom all day when he's off and immediately goes there when he gets off work. He knit picks about everything she says and does, " her tv is too loud, she put the wrong trash in the recyclable, she whistles too much, she talks too loud etc.. He doesn't dpesk to her (or me for that matter) except to say hi when he comes in from work. We have discussed and discussed tell our heads spin as to the reason why she is living here. She had to retire due to health problems and then she had to declare bankruptcy. She lived alone in a big house in a bad neighborhood and said she didn't want to be alone anymore. Could she have gone to assisted living facility? Maybe but doubtful she doesn't have much money. I'm just at my mental/emotional end here because I expected more support from my husband. He used to come home and have conversations with me and we'd laugh and talk all the time. Watch our favorite shows and snuggle. Now it's barely 10 words between us. My mother has to realize there's something wrong but she's never said anything. She also has some memory and hearing issues and her "senses" have declined quite a bit. It's like we're at an impasse. I'm so angry at him I refuse to visit him in his bedroom and he refuses to pay any attention to me. It has caused me to become resentful of my mother. I love her dearly and would never ask her to leave I find myself getting short with her and inpatient. I'm at a loss in every way. Can anyone relate?

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score 7 · Answer 1

I am so sorry. My mother is 96 and my husband's mother is 91. We wouldn't consider letting them live here. What happens if you die suddenly? She will end up somewhere else.

I would choose my husband over my mom. Mom needs to move. I would help her apply for medicaid and go from there. She might be happier with people her age.

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score 6 · Answer 2

Seek assistance from the county office of aging. My area has low income senior housing that is beautiful. They have all sorts of services for the residents. Transportaion; events; bingo games, supplemental food/meals; health care etc. This type of arrangement is based upon income, provides services and support and allows you to be the daughter. You and your husband need your privacy.What if Mom is blessed and lives to be 95 or 100? Are you ready to live as you currently are for another 20 years?? Your Mom is too young to be living in another's home, find an appropriate arrangement and get your life back.

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score 6 · Answer 3

Something happened that soured hubby on your mom. Something you did not expect would matter, that you are taking it for granted that it should not be a problem, but form hubby's point of view it is a problem, and he is angry and stopped communicating. Can you get him to tell you what it is? Think of the list of things that have changed since she moved in...privacy? an outing you no longer go on? more chores that he does, or that you do that prevent time together? did she make some off-hand ugly remarks to him?

Or is he telling you what the problem is and you are not hearing him, you are just telling him to buck up because there are no other options form your point of view?
And wait a minute - you are angry too, and withholding sex? ("not visiting him in his bedroom") What were yoru sleeping arrangements before and after Mom moved in? My gut feeling is you need marriage counseling now or your marriage is toast. Just moving mom out might not heal this rift.

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score 6 · Answer 4

Thank you everyone for your input. Husband and I are discussing it rationally and are thinking of assisting my mom with another place to live.

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score 5 · Answer 5

Find her another place, in low income senior apartments. A man's home is his castle. When you had these discussions, what was his side of the story?

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score 5 · Answer 6

Houston, comparing caregiving an elder to caregiving a spouse or a child is simply not applicable. I can't think of any circumstances under which I would have accepted my in-laws moving in. But I did caregive my husband through his 10 year journey with dementia. And I recently helped out with caring for my adult son while he recovered from an accident.

That he doesn't want to share his home with his mother-in-law does not at all mean that he would walk out if his wife were incapacitated. Maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't. The two situations are ENTIRELY different. So is caring for an incapacitated child.

Finding suitable living arrangements for a parent is NOT "kicking them to the curb." I resent that sweeping judgment.

I am very glad that cbear73 and her husband are now at least talking seriously about this situation.

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score 4 · Answer 7

Did you and your husband discuss the possibility of Mom moving in, and did he agree to it?

At what point did he change his mind about her living with you? Did you discuss that?

You say you've discussed the reasons she is living there. What else have you discussed? His feelings about it? The value of your marriage? If there are any changes that could be made that would make the living arrangements more acceptable to him?

Why can't your mother live independently? Is it just the money that is the issue, or does she need caregiving? What are her impairments?

"I love her dearly and would never ask her to leave." Really? Never? Not even if you got family counseling and it was clear that is the only way to save your marriage? If you have already absolutely made up your mind and nothing will change it, then I can't see why your husband would want to discuss the issue. It wouldn't be a discussion -- it would be you telling him you've already decided you value having your mother with you more than you value your marriage. I hope you really are a little more open-minded than that. If not, accept that your marriage is over and live happily ever after with your mother for the next twenty years. I think you should make it official, though, if that is your choice. Divide up your possessions, decide what to do with the house so you can split the equity, and let your husband go his separate way, in a place he won't need to barricade himself in his bedroom, where you refuse to visit him.

I approve of people taking care of their parents in their homes IF BOTH SPOUSES ARE OK WITH THAT.

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score 3 · Answer 8

Having a good relationship with someone that you don't live with is one thing and not too hard to do. However, having to live with them and not know them all that well is another matter. Was this discussion about her moving done before or after the fact? That does make a difference.

To bad he is not here to tell his side of the story because we are only hearing your side. I think ya'll need to go talk with an objective third party person to work this out.

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score 2 · Answer 9

I think the question you first have to ask yourself and your husband is if the marriage can be saved. If it can, what needs to be done? The way your husband has been acting, I might be tempted to throw him to the dogs. If you love him and he loves you, please work it out with him. Most likely your mother will need to find a place close by if your marriage is to be saved.

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score 2 · Answer 10

I just recently began dealing with my mother's dementia and she still lives by herself in another state, and I'm so stressed out most of the time just dealing with some of the issues that come up. I can't imagine living with my mother right now, let alone, bringing a spouse or another loved one into this craziness. Life is tough enough without trying to come to grips with old age and dementia issues. Also, since dealing with this reality -- dementia/alzheimer disease -- I have begun to think about my mortality more and more and it's not like I didn't know that I was getting older, but there's something about the day-to-day reality of this illness that saddens you little by little each day and your husband may be going through a bit of a reality check like I have been. And it's not easy! That's why they have support groups for caregivers because it's difficult. So, give him a break. I'm certain that your Mom would not want your marriage jeopardized because of her living arrangements with you and your husband. It is a stressful time and it's really better for them if they are able to socialize with people their own age. Best of luck!

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When your husband resents you for allowing your Mom to move in. Anyone relate?

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