Caring for my Mom with no help, ER visits are ridiculous. What more does she want from me?

Veronica, you crack me up! Bless your heart... If we can't laugh and cry at the same time, we'd all go crazy!!!

I could just say "evict her" Sorry you made that promise to your Dad before he died but for yoour future health she has to be got out from under your roof. It won't be easy and she will be viscious. Next time she wants to go to the ER call 911 and have the ambulance take her and refuse to pick her up. It will be hasstle and a struggle and lots of people will not be very nice to you. Does she have money to pay for assisted living? if so find a facility and tell her she is going. you may need your big girl panies and a helmet but you can do it with hubby to back you up. No one deserves this kind of abuse. Drs are very good at patting you on the shoulder and reassuring you it is all part of getting old etc. That's why I carry a big hand bag so i can hit them over the head when I say NO and mean it.

I do understand what you are saying, she is acting like she is on deaths door, but oops not really. I think i would tell her that you are no longer able to discern what is real or what is memorex, she needs a professional staff (NH). Your skill set is not up to the task. It is hard to walk away, suppose they die...yea suppose they do. We are all headed to that destination. Does she have one of those medical alert thingies? That way you could just tell her over the phone, push your button.
And i don't understand why any one would want someone to wait on them hand and foot, someone they supposedly love. I would think that IF you loved someone you would want them to have the fullest and happiest life they possibly can have.

I , like you, and many others, have always been helping my parents. First, it was both and we sold our house to get one we could all fit in. They had a in law apartment downstairs. Dad past away Dec 24th, 2010 of coronary heart failure. It has been H*LL with Mom since. She is controlling, lies constantly, and uses the whole family as a battling troop. I have a brother, he is married and has 4 kids. They have NOTHING to do with her. My sister, has many problems with her daughter, whom my Mom calls the SICK one. She is mean , nasty , and does not care what she says or whom she hurts. She calls the doctor and although I work 45 hours a week and babysit my grandson, who she has nothing to do with, take her to useless appointments. She has diabetes and has candy, desert , all day and does not eat well. She is an 86 year old bitter, mean, rude woman. I try talking to her as little as I have to , everything ends in an argument. She has even tried to get in between my husband, and I. He is a saint to take this on with me.My two daughters aren't even close because of the stories she makes up. I promised my Dad when we knew he was dying, that I would take care of her I am at the end of my rope. I am 58 years old and have not been out of the house for dinner, anything with my husband without her, except for work. Her doctors are useless, all they say is "I understand" I am so unhappy, I have two wonderful daughters and two fantastic grandsons. I can't even enjoy my time with them.

Flylikethewind, I think your name says it all. you are running so fast all the time that you can never slow down. When you have been with us for a while you will see that cartain posters spend a lot of time on the forum both seeking help for themselves and their situation and helping others, plus keeping in touch with people who they feel have become friends.
Those regular people can see problems fairly quickly when someone new joins and from experience have a ready answer.
The criticism of your post was directed not so much at your spelling and grammer but that it ran on so fast and omited lots of information that it was almost impossible to follow.
You are clearly overwhelmed and in trouble but some background helps others understand why you are in crisis and where you may need immediate help. You see we are not a suicide prevention hot line where the councilors are trained to spot certain clues and decide if half an hour on the phone is enough to calm the caller and then refer them to help in their area or immediately call 911 because they are in imminent danger. People from all over the world post on this forurum and often ask for help from distant continents where things we take for granted in the US are simply not available or for that matter not affordable.
Everyone has their weak points and on some days other posters have simply come here to vent and once they have written their thoughts they feel better,
As you know caregiving is a very lonely business and friends and family soon disapear because they are afraid of being dragged into the same deep dark hole that you find yourself in right now.
Some posts are plain frustrating, and I am not refering to you right now, and the same questions are asked over and over again when the same answer has been given several times already, and the automatic reaction is 'for goodness sake can't she read" Well she can read but she is so over loaded that there is no place left for the information to sink in and like an overloaded electric circuit they blow a fuse. if you were there in person you could give a hug, let her cry, make a cup of coffee and tell her to go and lie down for a couple of hours and you would watch Mom for her. The caregiver can't spend all day rubbing mom's back and listening to the enless stories and then being told she does everything wrong and on top of that is stealing her money. I am not trying to critisize you or anyone else on the forum just to explain how frustrating things can be at times.
I hope you will stay with and share your experiences because that is the way everyone learns. Professional training can only go so far, it is on the job experience that makes all the difference and being in the trenches presents problems never even addressed in even the best of classrooms.

Flylikethewind, I hope you can seek help in person. Perhaps your local County Social Services can spend some time assessing your mom's, and your needs. A lot of intentions are difficult to ascertain in a written statement. I apologize for my concerns over your writing, and I also apologize in advance for other people who were critical of my response to your writing. Somewhere in your writing is a Real Person who needs Real Help. I hope you can find it. If you showed up on my doorstep and verbally said everything you wrote, I would have gotten you some Real Help, Real Fast. Best Wishes for a speedy resolution, but it is a long journey.

Just noticed.. I should have spelled it "they're" not "their" me so bad!

Okay... I was being patient... how dare people judge other people by the way they spell? I happen to notice those criticizers made huge mistakes and errors too. I probably just did again too!, Who cares?.. You people are not nice!!! Talk about kicking someone in the teeth while their down!!!

It really would be very helpful if there was some way of using a spelling/grammer check on this site. Often if you try and go back and edit somehow the whole post is lost. I find I can't writ totally from the heart a second time so often just leave it and think maybe I should not have made a long post anyway. It is also possible that English is not OPs first language

Sorry, I just couldn't understand when the writer wrote on the 3rd line "she been very ill"... was the writer talking about her mother, or her daughter, or her mother's sister or the daughter's sister?

I agree, I feel better after I read some of the posts. 2 1/2 years? I don't know if I can go that long. At 65 I just don't have the energy. Its been 4 months and I hate not being able to just go. Mom can't be alone. I went from fulltime babysitting of an infant/toddler to this. Hard to enjoy my Moms last years when she isn't enjoying them. She has Dementia and is aware of her memory loss. Good husband but no help from the siblings.

Just a glance at this post shows what the issues are and how much she is suffering. I thought that is what we are here for - to give advice and encouragement and a listening ear. Sometimes once I vent I see the answer.

Get out. My 89 year old healthy mom has short term memory loss and fights everyday for her independence. I had to learn to create boundaries without feeling guilty. I also had to learn to speak up for myself when I needed down time, not just with her, but with my family. It's a process that requires reaching out to wonderful communities like this to realize that you are not alone. Mom and I argue but we also have learned to laugh about what is happening to her. I have learned to face my fears about what is happening to her. She is learning to give voice to her fears about what is happening to her. It is a process and we have been living together for 2 1/2 years.

I cannot understand this post as it is so rambling. Time to take a break, regroup and add punctuations.

JoAnn29,
My mom has been with my husband and myself for over a year now. She also has dementia along with neuropathy in her legs and poor vision. She doesn't want to be left alone either. I feel bad for her because she does get bored. She loves to sit outside on my back porch but I live in Arizona and it will soon be too hot to do that. I dread summer. I try to read to her but her comprehension is getting worse too:( I have found a woman who will come in and sit with her so I can get out for a few hours and I do have her going to a Senior Day Care for a few hours once a week. Some days are harder than others but I have made the choice to care for her as long as I possibly can and thank goodness my husband is so good to her. I hope you can find a way to get some time for you :)

This is a written forum, so to maximize accurate communication we should try to adhere to some standard of written English. I would agree, the OP apparently is in a crisis. To receive help, the cry for help has to be heard, as well as understood.

I can understand and certainly relate to your frustration.....I don't totally agree with others who say get out & run for your life! It's a bit insensitive. This is mom. She gave you life, and took care of you at one point. I would suggest some kind of in home respite care. It sounds like you need a break, and adult conversation with someone other then mom. I also live and take care of my mom, but luckily my mom is self efficient. However, I'm only 35, and to say its easy while raising my own 13yr old son would be total lie!! Please check with her insurance & see if you can get in home help. Think it would help a lot. I wish you best of luck, and glad you have this superb & supportive site:-) :-) :-) :-) kelly

Never mind the punctuation! This woman is stressed out and that's the only thing that matters now. Please, take pamstegma's advice and get away from her. I feel you are teetering on the edge right now and can not take much more. As a compassionate care giver, you are not required to take either verbal or physical abuse. If you call 911 the next time there is a crisis, that will alert other agencies to your needs and you will receive the help you so badly need.

If she is still alert and oriented, perhaps you are playing the role of enabler. I have to agree with the above poster - when there is a crisis, call 911, and let the medical professionals handle her, and then tell her to call you when she's settled down. It's possible your mom may even have some psych issues going on. If she is deliberately not taking her medications, they may even Baker act her and evaluate her in the psych ward once medically cleared.

As you can see by spelling errors, still don't have a grip on it.

Seriously? Everything she's dealing with with and you're CRITCIZING puntuation? Did you get the part where she says she's nwver done this before? When i 1st got my phone it took me 4 ever to get my fingers across the correct letters. This is supposed to bw supportive.

With all due respect to Mallory and Fregflyer, while we all noticed the punctuation errors I believe what flylikethewind was aking for was some sympathy and support and not a scolding. I totally understood the original post, especially because I am in the exact same position. In fact it was like reading my own story. I was anxious to read the comments on how others would deal with such a difficult situation. I know how it feels to be trapped between love for my dear mother who suffers from Alzheimers and the feelings of anger, frustration and even quilt because I don't know if I can take much more sometimes. I have to say I was hurt by the lack of understanding of those who chose to focus on spelling and grammer rather than on the cry for help.

That being said, here are a few things that have helped me. I contacted the agency for aging in my area and have been taking advantage of any program my mother qualifies for. Having a provider come in a few hrs/day has been a life saver. I take that time entirely for myself, (read a book, take a bubble bath, etc...) I have also started to write as a hoppy in tbe evening for an hr or 2 after my mom is settled in bed. I have found that putting my real problems into a fantasy world has helped me to actually deal better with reality and sometimes even find a solution. Prayer also has an amazing calming effect as well as reading the bible. My favorite book is the Psalms, especially Ps.37. I know this is not the avenue that pleases everyone, but it certainly has helped me. Please know flylikethewind that you are not alone and there are others pulling for you. I will definitely have you in my prayers.

FlyLikeTheWind - the caregiver role is not an easy one, and it's not something everyone can do. It sounds like this may not be a good situation for you and your mom to be in together. If you have always taken care of her, then maybe it's time for someone else to do it. Call your local Adult Protective Services agency and ask them what can be done to get your mom placed in assisted living or to get help for her in the home - then make plans to move out on your own. You need a life of your own, and it sounds like you may never have had one.

Shay, so nice u and daughter have worked well together. My Momis no problem, just bored. Her dementia is to the point she can't be alone. When she thinks she is, she gets upset. I get out to run quick errands but hate leaving my husband to watch her. We go out to dinner most of the week. Hopefully, Spring will help the boredom. Its hard to get away when u have to plan ahead for someone to sit with her.

flylikethewind, I agree with Mallory above. Without punctuation or breaking the sentences into paragraphs the sentences would have a total opposite meaning from what you are trying to convey. Another writer couple weeks ago recently posted one very long paragraph with no punctuation, gave up what he/she was trying to say :(

Sometimes I notice this type of writing issue whenever someone is using a Smartphone or other handheld device. My boss does that with his phone.

With all due respect to original poster, sweetie I cannot read your post, because it is one long run-on sentence. Could people please use proper Punctuation? Or at least break up into smaller chunks. If you're feeling like you can't do anything anymore, call your local Social Services office, some local churches, and senior centers (your Public Library might also have some support groups for caregivers). Good luck.

Issues with family are the most difficult. If your mom has some dementia, this could explain some of her behaviors. Sounds like she needs a complete workup by a doc.
Where do you live? Is there a teaching hospital close? You can go to www.ama-assn.org/doctorfinder Scroll down until you see the specialty, state, city, zip They have a doctor finder section where you can put in where you live.
You may be able to locate a better doctor.
contact your local area agency on aging, they have caregiver programs that include caregiver support and respite. They should also have a senior care program where someone would come into the home and provide care to your mom. this gives you a break. She may be more likely to take her morning meds if someone else is in the house. It's a shame family doesn't help, that's why its so important to utilize any services that are available. As a caregiver you need to care for yourself first, get your knee back to being better. You can't provide care to someone if you don't care for yourself. I was caregiver for my grandma, and not for my dad, so I understand the frustration. You are not alone, there are many caregivers who are overwhelmed. Look for a doc that will listen to you and seek services from outside agencies. This will help to ease that caregiver burden. Good Luck.

My 48 year old daughter just moved in to care for me about 4 months ago and I am loving every minute of it. She waits on me hand and foot and she works part time in a local establishment. I am always checking to see if she is getting enouigh sleep and food and taking care of herself too. I never would have believed that she would come to live with me like this. She said she has made a commitment to stay as long as I need her and those words are like heaven to me. She didn't do it because she needed a place to live. She sold her house and moved half way across the country to be here. Other mothers need to count their blessings and love these children who are sacrificing for them. Make your last years with them warm and wonderful.

You sound like you have big heart! It also sounds like you have daughter with problems too. Sometimes no matter how much we love the person, the burden is too much for us to handle. If I were you, I would start looking into assisted living facilities. I put my mother in one and it was far better care than she was getting at home, it was cheaper, and really, really nice. My mom enjoyed it and it made my life100 times better. I wish I did it five years earlier! Take care of yourself...

When my mom (now 90) went through a very negative time with numerous ER visits and not taking pills as prescribed it was scary and she was mean. Will her doctor prescribe visiting nurse for her knee replacement and PT at home ASAP. I used to go outside and try to calm myself when my mom was accusing me of stealing and reminding me what a disappointment I am. You might try doing a Qi gong DVD it's a moving meditation that has changed my life. Your mom may not change but you can breathe deeply and care for yourself. Call 911 for ER visits it gets her care right away. My mothers cardiologist told me "she's been practicing medicine for years" . It's a rough patch of road, can your ex pitch in? My brother understands and cares for my mom. God bless you.