I've been a caregiver for almost 3 yrs to a mother I never had a relationship with. I find myself wanting to "give back to her" what she dealt out to me as a child. The things she does now she never tolerated w/me. I'm always aware (but I must say not as bad as before) of each & everything she does not to let her get away with it. She's my reason for growing up w/such an insecure attitude about myself. Always commenting on who's fat, who's pretty, who's got a beard. I just want to say "shut-up"..I told her I wouldn't tolerate her criticizing me anymore & when anything comes up I sit down & let her know I will not allow her to do that to me anymore. You would think at 72 I'd get it; but, for the last 44 yrs (since I left her Religion) she ostracized me from her & my family. Now that she's needing me I have no choice (because of finances) to take her in. If I didn't need her income I'd be looking to put her in a facility. It's a catch 22 situation. She helps w/the bills & I am very grateful for that. I've become thin-skinned in regards to her hypocrasy - one way to me another way to her family/friends. They have no idea what she's really like, I do. The only other one would be her twin sister. She understands & knows.
I'm hardly ever out, can't really afford to have someone come in. I've checked w/Elder Care & they say she's just a little over the guidelines for income so I stay her 24/7 in a 3 room apt w/a woman that hardly talks to me all day. I'm in my room & she's in front of the tv w/her routine. I feel that since she's paying 95% of the bills she's entitled to the amenities. Don't know how to process that one. Each night I'm praying Lord forgive me, I know You want me to love her; but, I don't even like her. Help me. I bend over backwards to make sure she has the right food program the Dr wants her on. I make sure she's got her foods before mine. She's fussy, warm my bread for my sandwiches, put my cereal in a plastic bowl the others are cold, my water is too cold, the bed is too hot, the bed is cold, warm my juice, the food is not hot enough......on and on and on. This is a woman that I couldn't even talk to about anything otherwise she would raise her hand & say she didn't want to hear it. Growing up w/out a dad, living w/a strict disciplinarian (only because she wanted to look good in front of people), no relationship, left to myself...has taken a toll on me. Granted, by God's Grace I've come a long way (doesn't sound it from this, I'm sure, but I have). I suppose I'm just putting down in writing what's going on in my head. Thank God I do have children that I can talk with & they have great understanding & sympathy. If they could they would be here to give me a break but it's not possible right now. I'm very sure there are Caregivers out there that are saying, Gosh, I wish my situation was as easy as hers. My situation is a compiling of 72 years of a lack of relationship w/a mean & unyielding woman.
If anyone has any advice I would certainly welcome it..
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At this point I doubt that your living arrangement will change but it may be possible to receive some respite care. Do you have a block nurse program in your area? I know that you're a Christian but all Christian's don't attend a church. However, if you do, there may be people who could sit with your mom so you can have a little time to yourself. Human services (through your state) often get Federal grants for respite care that go to waste because people don't know they exist. Try going on to your state website (type the word aging after the name of your state). You should bring up a list of aging services. See what is available. You may be able to get some relief. That won't stop the abuse from your mother, but it would give you some time away to regroup.
This article may help a little: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm
Good luck, my friend. Please keep us posted.
Carol
Sounds like she may be on the verge of experiencing some elder abuse from you due to your anger. Neither of you need for that to happen. How old is she?
Sounds like your biggest problem is being totally dependent upon her financially. I have no idea what to recommend about that.
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I assume your Mom is in her late 80's or into her 90's.... what are her health issues? Would she consider going to a Senior Center during the day so she could be other seniors? What about calling your local Council on Aging and see what programs are available where maybe an Aide could come in to help out a couple hours, to give you a much needed break.
How great that your late brother's wife is willing to come to help out. How does your Mother treat her? And with spring just around the corner, your Mom can get to see her sisters again.... and how lucky you are to have children you can talk to who are understanding :)
Something that may make it more enjoyable, or at least bearable, to you is seeing it as an opportunity for spiritual growth and understanding. Sometimes we become aware of why things happened and why we are like we are. We also learn that our parent is not all powerful and is a faulty human being just like everyone else. There is much to discover.
For the moment it sounds like you both need each other for health and financial reasons. At your mother's age, that may change quickly, so you may want to plan ahead for yourself. Life can be so difficult these days with costs being as high as they are. Maybe these last three years have been for you, too.
This is the first time, as an adult, that I've been around her this much. Old memories, old wounds, have opened up a miriad of feelings for me & I just have to call on God to help me through this process. I am confident in His Love & believe the Scripture: The good work He set out to do in my life He will get done. It's a moment by moment choice, I can see that. I still have the ability to choose to do the right thing & He will strengthen me to do it. Thank you, sincerely.
came to live w/me. I'm sharing my feelings...I would NEVER put a finger on her. As a Christian I have moral convictions & would never abuse her. These are childhood hurts that I've had to come face to face with in the last 3 yrs. I'm just asking if anyone dealt w/similar situations & how they handled it.
If it seems like I want to "get back at her" it would be in my feelings. She is well taken care of & speaks of it to her family & friends that I take incredible care of her. I understand where you're coming from because there are a lot of unstable people out there; but, I can assure you that's not the situation here. My main concern is to always make sure she is safe, that she is clean, that she has a clean home, her hair & personal needs are taken care of....that is feels comfortable. She has no idea that I'm dealing w/the past other than when I address her in regards to it. She has since then watched what she says & tries I can see that. My issue is my feelings, and trying to work through them in a loving, Godly way, so that I won't have any regrets when she passes.
As far as going to a Sr. Ctr. they asked her & she point blank said she didn't like crowds or going to things like that. My sister-in-law has offered to come on Wednesday's to help me out. My mother used to go to her younger sisters every other week just to give both of us a break & she would be able to visit w/her sister. The Winter has curtailed that so we are waiting for nicer weather. Another hurdle is the stairs she has to go down & up. The Fire Dept has been very gracious to help us on occasions; but, I don't want to overdue it..
Mom is 97. She's in pretty good health. Her Dr. is amazed at her clarity of mind & ability to remember the slightest detail..maybe failing slightly as she gets older.
My constant prayers are Lord, keep me healthy so I can care for her in the way she needs until the situation changes & with someone that is 97 situations change every day. Thank you again, for addressing my needs and not jumping to conclusions that I need professional help just because I was sharing my heart.
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