Dad who is not well in his mind won't stop driving. What can I do to help?

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Abbey1961 Asked March 2015

Dad who is not well in his mind won't stop driving. What can I do to help?

Dad is 85 and very fit ???? He fall's over often and is not well in his mind ! Classic old age ?? He drives most day's and has a large car but can not remember this morning. He care's and cooks for my mother every day and I live 200 miles away ! He will not admit he is old and we joke when I visit. He spends all day alone as mom is in bed and they sleep different hours. He ( Dad ) has said he will not give up his licence or even consider speaking to his Doctor because no one would be able to care for mom if he did not drive !!
My family life is different like most but I do worry that if he takes one of these ( Transient ischaemic attack's ) he could possible kill someone ?? He does not travel far only to the shop's etc. and is in bed at 7:30 pm . He drives much faster than me and in a big car !!
What can I do to help ???

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score 1 · Answer 1

You need to go and spend a couple of days with him to evaluate, drive with him and take it from there. You will know after a couple of trips whether he should continue to drive or not. If he is endangering himself and others it is a tough but must do to take the keys away from him. Good luck, this is a difficult task.

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score 3 · Answer 2

I have a similar situation. You do need to be on site to assess the situation. It sounds like you have other care issues besides driving. You can find loads of advice and discussion on this site regarding elders driving. Definitely check it out. Meanwhile, driving is a tricky and difficult issue. You may find that dad is ok for now or you may find that he's a danger to himself and others. There's no magic pill or answer for this. Go check him out.

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score 6 · Answer 3

It's impossible to get a clear understanding from 200 miles away. You need to actually see him in action. So visit and let him drive you around before you decide anything.

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score 2 · Answer 4

I have a wonderful woman who is "on call" if your parents have money and want to stay in their own home then getting an on call helper with driving and errands is the first step. Baby steps before full blown assisted living. The first step is admitting that you need help, the next is accepting it. Dad has to do this, if not then tell him you may have to step in and "handle things" This alone is usually enough to get them to try a home helper out.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Can you take some family leave from work so that you could make an extended visit?

Are you an only child or do you have siblings?

Is your dad a vet? He and your mom might qualify for benefits for vets.

Do you have your own family?

Are there any friends, neighbors or church members who might be able to help in some way?

Do your parents have the financial resources to hire some help?

I still want to know if you have medical and durable POA for each of them?

Please keep in touch.

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score 2 · Answer 6

Abbey, it is denial on your Dad's part that he thinks he can still do things. Do your parents have enough in retirement to move to a retirement village [buy in or rental], where there is transportation provided for the seniors who live there.... plus other features such as a full-time doctor on site... barber shop... bank... activities? Your Dad could still continue to care of your Mom, but they would be in an elderly friendly environment. Plus your parents could build friendships with others of their own generation.

I know, easier said then done when it comes to downsizing and moving. I've been trying to budge my parents out of their house for the past couple of years. Maybe when they are 100 :P

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score 3 · Answer 7

Dad needs to be taken to a doctor who can evaluate his physical and mental health. Possibly, he should not be on the road. Your mom may need more help than he can provide. Do you have medical and durable POA for each of them?

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Dad who is not well in his mind won't stop driving. What can I do to help?

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