My Mom (86) brought her husband home from the nursing home and now she can't care for him. Can she put him back there?

People do all kinds of dangerous, stupid, and cruel things when they believe there is some inheritance on the line.

Leave him at one of the kid's houses, and then go on a cruise. ;P

Chicago you are right. They do not understand what Hospice means. So I hope they go to a Judge, who will slap some reality into them.

The kids must be, what? 60? Do they not understand hospice?

It seems to me that his kids have their heads in the sand. And, they are wrong. If care he needs can no longer be provided in the home, he actually has to go with some other plan, and if it is clear cut enough, and endangers his life or your mom's, that could be true even if he is competent. Sure he might have tenant's rights despite Mom's ownership of the home, but that's not what this is about.

How much are you able to help with care, if his kids just won't or can't?

Actually his care is now in the hands of Hospice. If the Hospice RN sees that mom just can't do this, dad would move to a Hospice facility, not a nursing home. If the kids insist he stays home, then pull mom out for respite, let them do the heavy lifting and find out how insensitive they really are.

If he is capable of making his own decisions and he doesn't want to go to a facility, then it's difficult to 'make' someone enter a nursing home. Is he capable? Who is his health care agent or power of attorney? Are there other services he may be eligible for that would bring a provider in the home (in addition to hospice)? Contact the local area agency on aging, they have a variety of programs, if he qualifies for them they can send a provider in. This may be enough extra help. On the other hand, a Parkinson patient that is on hospice would have had a big decline in functioning and would require a lot of assistance. If he is not capable of making decisions for himself, the wife has power of attorney then she would be able to place him in a facility. If the children want him to remain at home, maybe they should pitch in and help out.

Here is what I found in my mother's case. If your mother just needs a break, a lot of nursing homes provide respite care. However, it would be private pay for him just to be taken back to the nursing home for respite care or even long-term care which is very expensive - to the tune of $7,000-8,000 a month to stay in a nursing home per month! However, if your stepdad has a reason to go to the hospital and then can go to the skilled nursing facility for rehab for a short time, Medicare will pay as long as therapy is working with him and he is making progress. However, once they discharge him, he would have to go long-term care which is private pay or Medicaid. From the sounds of it, you might want to check and see if your stepdad has a Durable POA who is responsible for making these decisions for him once he is incapacitated, i.e., if he has Parkinson's-related dementia and is no longer able to make these decisions himself. Usually if the spouse if still alive as in the case of your mother, the spouse would be the POA. So the decision in that case would be up to her. However, if both your mother and stepdad are unable to make that decision then perhaps your stepdad's children might become involved if one of them is designated as the Durable POA. That's why it's so important to have these advanced directives in place, and it sounds as if they should be if your stepdad is already on Hospice. Also, just a heads up that your stepdad would need to spend three nights in the hospital as an inpatient (not as an outpatient on observational status) before being sent to a nursing home for rehab, and from the sounds of it he may not qualify for rehab since he is already on Hospice and therefore may not be deemed a good candidate for therapy. However, there may be another way for them to admit him to a nursing home for skilled nursing, i.e., if he needs wound care, etc. Anyway, I used to be an Occupational Therapy Assistant and worked many years in the nursing homes, so I hope this helps in some small way.

She can't make him live in a nursing home, if he has capacity and doesn't consent. But then again, neither can he make her be his care provider; and most certainly his children can't. If your stepfather or his children have a better plan for his care - such as his leaving his wife and going to live with one of them, if that's what they would like - let them come up with it. Otherwise, it is for your mother to make the arrangements she believes to be best and persuade her husband to consent to them, in the usual way of married couples' negotiations - which, if they have their father's best interests at heart, his children have no business interfering in.

His right to stay in the house is a separate issue: it may belong to her, but you're then into the realm of marital property, aren't you, and could he have acquired a claim on it? Perhaps she would be well advised to seek legal advice of her own on that point.

Your mom has parkinson's and his children are pulling this? What are they trying to do, kill her? He should have never come home and she should be able to send him back if she has POA. Sounds like his children have inheritance on their minds. How sad!

Lord I am so glad none of my family is in the least bit interested in my mother or her situation. When I hear of these kinds of situations, it makes me very frustrated. I don't suffer foolishness very willingly.

Whomever holds the power of attorney holds the cards. If there is none, it's going to be tough going with a non-stop battle of opinions, hurt feelings, grudges, and ugly. I am so, so sorry.

Has anybody sat mom & dad down to find out what THEY want? Maybe they can be in a place together, and both be cared for how they need - together. There are places that have this setup so spouses can be together as long as possible. There's a couple at the place my mom is at. The man lives in the AL unit and his wife is in the locked dementia unit now, but she had been in the AL apartment with him. He puts on a suit and tie every day to go visit her. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life.

goldgt40, a couple of question, why did your Mom bring your Step-Dad home from the nursing home? Who's idea was that?

Being 86 years old, or even 66 years old, it is exhausting work caring for a love one day in and day out, 24 hours a day. Sadly 33% of caregiver die leaving behind that love one.... those are not good odds. Then what would his children do? Come running to take care of him, sharing all 3 shifts? Probably not.

Have your Mom talk to her own primary doctor, explain what is going on. The doctor might suggest your Mom take a break for a couple of weeks... and she needs to tell his children that they need to come to help out while she is away, on doctor's orders. Would it be possible for your Mom to stay with you or another relative for those two weeks? Maybe then the step-children will for once in their life understand how much work is involved caring for their Dad.

Hope everything works out for your Mom.

It seems to me that if your step dad's kids say he doesn't have to go into care, it's your mom's right to walk away if she can't manage his care. His kids should manage his care if they think he shouldn't be in a facility right?

Is there a Durable Power of Attorney in place? If so, who holds it?