My Dad just past away and we already had his service but Mom thinks that he's still alive. What do we tell her?

I know my answer if very different from the others here. My brother, who lived with my mother for twenty years, died this year and I moved in with her. Everyday she would see prayer cards, photos and reminders of him, and I had to explain the death of her beloved son all over and everyday she was re-crushed again. Finally, I hid every reminder of him, and it solved the problem immediately! I am so sorry for your loss, I have loss several family members this year, it hurts enough without reliving the fresh pain with mom everyday. It's worth a try, you can always bring the stuff out again if it doesn't. Hope this helps.

I have to tell my experience. My mom had dementia. Her brother was long since passed away(30+yrs), and she was close to him. My dad had passed over 10 years. My mom couldn't remember her last sister recently passing.

My sister insisted on reminding her over and over. That just made mom mad. Somehow, mom got confused, and started forgetting dad's passing and then started asking to see her sister and my dad. This ballooned till she decided they were coming to see her each day, visiting her, since I wouldn't take her to them.

Then her dead brother joined this group. Her mind just could not deal with her being the last one. Mom started telling me about the conversations they would have, then would ask me why I didn't join them, and why didn't I make sandwiches and tea for them.

This continued, but mom insisted I not tell my sisters about it. The more grounded in reality you can keep them, the better off they are. This just seemed to push her further into dementia.

I really like NeeSey's solution. I wish I had thought of it way back when. The conversations my mom had with them seemed real to her.

So, I recommend using caution about just continuing to keep reminding her. Maybe put a picture of him up? But 'forcing' her to acknowledge might not be good for her.

It is recomended that you don't continue to tell her he is gone. They mourn all over again. Just say he has gone out and will be back.

NeeSay that is such a happy solution. If she asks tell her but keep it short and simple. Don't bring it up unless she does. If she is still in the same house take your time removing his belongings clothes etc. leave a few things in the closet and person items in the living room like his glasses and a book. Just little things she can see and touch. emphasizing deth will not help her.

This may seem morbid but my mom who also has moderate Alzheimer's and similar memory problems as yours, actually enjoys visiting the cemetery every few months. She talks to her mother and father (my grandparents) and my dad who are all buried in the same plot. She just says hello to them and a little prayer and tells them she misses them. She seems happy after. Sometimes we bring flowers and she likes that too. She doesn't remember anything about dad's passing specifically or the funeral but she does know he's at the cemetery. She doesn't request trips to the cemetery but if we happen to drive by it as it's on a main road, she sometimes just says "Hi" to all of them as we go by or asks if we can stop to see them.

Hi Martha, Sorry for you loss. If I were in that boat I think I'd try telling her that "Dad has gone home", and we can't see him right now. But that he is fine, and we will see him again someday. When I was 13 our much loved Great Grandfather died. My Aunt and Uncle asked me to explain it to their small sons, (my little cousins). They thought I might be better at figuring out a way to explain in child's terms since I was young. They knew something serious had happened relating to him ...and they did grasp that concept. They were most worried about him being happy and ok, so that made them feel better. They asked less and less as time went by. Their little brains just weren't processing, "dead" and "no, we'll never see him again", as the adults had already tried to explain. Maybe that answer will work for you too?

I'm so sorry for your loss of your father. How recent was his passing?

If it really is a very short time since, I personally feel that your mother should be reminded, calmly and gently, that he is gone now. Do you have an order of service from his funeral that you could read with her? I appreciate that this is an ordeal, and again I am sorry for it, but this is her husband: it is appropriate for her to mourn him, and it is not fair that the family should feel that they have to hide their own feelings to spare hers.

As time goes on, if she fails (as I'm afraid she probably will) to retain the memory of his loss, then you can work out which stalling and diversion strategies work best to reassure her. But just for now, I don't think you are being cruel if you allow her to experience grief.

If you tell her then she'd be upset & would forget. You can always tell her he's out, sometimes you have to do the kinder thing. You can talk about dad, their life together. I know this probably is a very difficult time, just love the parent you have and keep your dads memories close.

she probably has good long-term memories of dad, and no short-term memories (such as his funeral). so you can understand where she's coming from. you can repeatedly tell her that he is gone, but her brain will never remember that. she will continue to ask you about him, just talk about her memories, and don't forget--if you mention that he died, she has forgotten that too, SO, lest she mistakenly re-live his death over & over again, don't dwell on the fact that he is dead. just re-visit the old memories. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

So sorry about the loss of your father.

When you drive your mother all over town, what do you mean by that? Running errands or looking for Dad?

Personally, I think that she should be told that he has passed but there are those who think it's too traumatic and that we should tell a white lie. Was there a program or memory card or obituary from the funeral? If there is something that she can look at and keep referring to, it might help it to soak in. Does Mom live in her own house that she shared with Dad? Being surrounded by his stuff might make it more difficult to know that he's gone. Maybe you can begin cleaning out a few things at a time, you don't want it to be too quick and too traumatic. But eventually it would have to be done anyway. The main question is would it be helpful if she was part of it or would it be better to do it without her. I vote, let her help and even make decisions if she can about where things should go. Like charitable donations or to relatives or sell in a garage sale or things like that.

It's sad that our parents' brains get this way. I don't think there is a hard and fast answer to any question. We just try different things and maybe find something that works - today. And tomorrow it might not. Best wishes.