How do I deal with a negative Dad and controls my Mom?

I was wondering if maybe one way to get them to consider assisted living is tell each of them that the other one really needs it.

That many falls and broken bones is very alarming. And they are still in their home? They sound like prime candidates for assited living to me. Your poor mother would not have to suffer through any more falls and broken bones. Dad may have some dementia and not able to reason well. Read up on this site about signs of dementia. I have a similar situation with my folks and I know dad is going to be a huge problem getting him in care. But I'll do what has to be done when things at home are not manageable.

I think most things you can let go...let him have his way. But, it there is something going on that jeopardizes his or her safety...can or is harming one or both of them...then you have to do something, even if against his wishes. I know it's tough...been there. But, you can not allow one or both of them to suffer or be harmed because of his pride or stubborness. He could even be the cause of some inappropriate results. I think you have to evaluate where to draw the line on when you take action, in spite of your dad. For me, it was harmful or deplorable conditions. Trust me...if you do nothing, you may have regrets and/or hold a grudge later. Good luck and I wish you peace.

If your father won't use the motorized scooter or transportation to take him to appointments & other things, don't flip your life upside down to taxi him around. It is not embarrassing at 80-something years old to use a motorized scooter. Tell him to cut the crap & that you aren't going to use up all your time at to work to be a taxi service.

Elderly people fall down. That's what they do. Your mother should not be taking care of your father because she needs somebody to take care of her. However, your mother isn't going to kowtow to your father---they've probably been married 60+ years & your father has probably been controlling her for all of those married years & that's what she is used to. I doubt you're going to change anything.

As far as driving a car----your father absolutely, positively should NOT be driving a car if his lower extremities are too weak to support him. The strength & reflexes necessary to quickly move his foot from the gas to the brake pedal is just not there. This is a VERY difficult thing for a family member to have to tell a parent, because it is at that point that they lose their independence & have to depend on other people. However, if it means the difference between keeping him safe & other drivers on the road safe from him, you have to do it.

Read Elder Rage about exactly this situation and how she dealt with it.

Then the times you cannot, tell your father to arrange other transportation and stick to your guns. Just because they are stubborn does not mean you have to stop your life.

Yes, I agree with partsmom in that some people who have mobility issues become too reliant on scooters and hence stop walking all together. That is why I would recommend a PT Eval so that they can make that determination for him. Perhaps all that he needs is a little therapy to make his legs stronger and help him walk better. I hope that helps!

One comment on mobility scooters: great for those who would be otherwise immobile, but had a friend with multiple health issues who was also a gadget freak and stopped walking totally when he got his scooter, and the lack of exercise led to serious circulatory problems.

Definitely discuss this issue with their docs. I am a caregiver for my dad so I know how demanding it can be. I try to do multiple appointments on the same day but sometimes it's not possible.
Have you looked into in home help for them? You can contact your local area agency on aging and ask about in home programs. There are eligibility criteria but they would be able to tell you what the criteria is. Mom could go to an adult medical day care, it's a great place and it would give everyone a break. Who is the alternate decision maker if mom and dad can't make decisions? This is important. Talk to dad's doc about his driving ability as well. He may not have the flexibility and reflex's to drive making it unsafe for him and everyone on the road. Maybe some therapy would help his legs to become stronger. It's difficult to age and have mobility issues, especially if one has always been active. Maybe your dad would speak with a trusted minister or friend about these issues if he won't speak to you. Mom needs to be safe, while she can fall anywhere, dad is unable to give her the kind of care she may really need. Maybe it's time to look at assisted living. Good luck.

Perhaps you could ask the Doctor for a Physical Therapy Evaluation on both of them - your dad for his mobility issues and your mom for her frequent falls. That way the Physical Therapist can recommend equipment for your dad's mobility issues and be the bad guy instead of you. In fact, the PT would be better able to determine exactly what your dad needs, whether it be a mobility scooter, a different walker, or even a wheelchair. And I don't know how long it's been since your mom fell last. If she had hip surgery then I am assuming that she has received or is receiving physical therapy. If not, as an Occupational Therapy Assistant I would definitely recommend it for her as well. Also, perhaps the doctor can make the determination when it's time for your dad to give up the driving. Again, then you don't have to be the bad guy. Just a thought!

Not sure if it would help you out, but for me I wish I would have found out about the "mini-mental" test sooner. Having the results...or by having your care-receiver(s) take the test every doctor visit ( or say every six months) and trending the results will give you the information and thus the strength you need in making the tough decisions that are ultimately the best for your care-receiver. Helps relieve that stress and care-giver guilt as well, because you are more in the know so-to-speak...and making decisions based on reason and factual results. You can search it online, you'll find they are all similar in nature and many have a scale to help you out with the results...letting you know the state of your care-receiver verses your care receiver telling you: "I'm okay. I can still take care of myself. I can stay in my own home. I drive just fine. I'm no dummy" when you know in your heart of hearts that it isn't quite like this anymore.

Are they living in their old 2 floor home?
Why is your mum having so many falls?
It's a different conversation but I am surprised her doctor/social services have not made any suggestions?
He is probably terrified of her goung into a care home without him.
You do need to get inside his head more.
Literally ask him what worries him.
He may then open up.
Right now he is in Father mode and you may as well be 6 years old.
Imagine your kids telling you what you should and should not do?
Men that age don't even ask their mates for advice (if they have any! My dad has deliberately list touch with his friends and is very anti social. Mum saw no-one but family in her last year at home.
Made me very sad.

Sounds exactly like my dad.
What I eventually came to learn (after exhausting years trying to coax him/logic him/argue with him over things that were for his and mum's own good... was that he is the Parent in our relationship.
He is a very proud man and HATES losing his strength/health/faculties.

He loves me and is very proud of me and my brain, but no father wants to face the sadly inevitable shift in the relationship to where their kids are giving them the advice, even if it makes sense.

I eventually stopped banging my head against the wall, because he would not change and I just got stressed.

So now I just print him info off the web that supports whatever message I want to get across, and leave it on his coffee table saying 'oh, I saw that, it may be of interest to you dad', so he reads it and he then can feel in control, that it is him making a decision.
(NB: I also print stuff on music/planes/gardening that he is interested in, so I am not like tge 'lecture fairy'...

It is hard, but I would focus on relaxing and enjoying these years with your mum and dad as much as poss.
Try to figure out what really matters to him, not you, because whilst we at 40/50 think how fab it would be to have a mobility scooter, he may well be ashamed or even scared that he would not be able to manage one.
His embarrassment current outweighs his need for mobility.

Look at the situation pragmatically.
Accept he will never get a mobility scooter and move on.
(Who knows, if you stop pushing him to get one, and just leave some brochures there, he may just change his mind.
With men it HAS to be their idea.
Just the way they are.

That's a tough one, but you can't allow the negative dad to keep her from getting help.

Have either of them been evaluated by their doctor for dementia? You could also ask your dad's doctor to evaluate your dad's cognitive ability to be driving or not.