My Mom is my Dad's 24/7 caregiver, but she won't let anyone help and complains to me everyday. How do I handle her?

Forgot to mention, if you live north, vacation south and vice versa.

I'd have to ask questions before attempting to dispense advice. You don't state how old your parents/in-laws are or whether they have immediate health or financial concerns. Or whether you live north or south. Or whether you and your husband have siblings. I certainly would not plan to take in extended family - you don't have time or space. Interesting they all want to all come live with you. I think they all want a plan in place. This is a big picture thing. And it calls for a family conference if you have siblings. Mom and Dad are trying to position themselves for their last move. Independent senior housing with an option for assisted living as needed is a good choice if affordable. They have social activities that will get them involved with other people, which will offload you. Believe me, you do not want to be the go-to person for everything. If they are financially struggling or struggling trying to manage their day-to-day affairs such as bill paying or driving, there are social services as mentioned above, to help with getting assistance.

First your mother needs to see her doctor about her blood pressure exceeding the recommended limits 120/80, and get her on a statin if necessary. Secondly, you are doing your part, getting them on a list, and there is not much more you can do but wait. Stop worrying about the future and your father's trip. People are more resilient if given the opportunity, and if you check with his doctor about making a 500 mile trip and he/she gives approval, then do it. Do not make yourself ill and tell them all you can only do so much. A one bedroom apartment cannot accommodate six people! Stay calm and just take each day as it comes.

What would be nice is that all the childen should help as much as they can. I hate where people feel your the oldest its ur responsibility. It should be the one more equiped. Being in split level I can see where my Mom being here for a long time just won't work. If she becomes wheelchair bound, won't be able to get her outof the house. Today she was crying because there is nothing to do. No, there isn't. With her Dementia she forgets how to use the phone and remote. I leave her bed for her to make. She has forgotten how to a point but it is good enough. She told my daughter she was thinking about going home for nights and coming back here during the day. Her bed is here. She can't be alone. I think she would enjoy the local assisted living. Problem is her money goes to paying her house bills. Hoping I can get it sold then I'll have some money.

P.S. And do not feel guilty about sustaining your own life! They have no right to ask you to move or do anything above and beyond help to them in their old age. They're grown ups too, but what I learned from my parents is that the older they get the more scared they get and will be much more demanding and selfish. You have to be strong and not let them run your lives. I know this may sound heartless, but believe me, even if you only did the bare minimum to help you'll still be wanting to pull your hair out. Hang in there.

First, there's some great advice in these answers. Do them. There's services out there that are there to help. Let them. Second; if they're doctor says they need assistance, after review from a nurse and social worker, they can get an aide for 4 hours a day from Medicare if they're on it. Medicaid, with the directive again from a doctor, and involved social worker, will give them more hours and potentially a live in. Third, get on the phone and internet and start listing your options. Moving near them, giving up your lives, jobs & friends is insane. You'll only end up resentful and angry. It's not your job to take care of them. Help them, yes, but take it from one who knows, you do not want to be their caregiver. It'll destroy your happiness, health & marriage. Seniors get more and more difficult as they get older, not better. Keep your distance, believe me, the phone calls alone will make you want to pull your hair out, but at least you'll be where you want to be. In your own home. Now go check out those services everyone's suggesting. Take lots of notes. And when you're off the 20th in a row phone call, hang up, hug your honey, and watch a good movie! Glass of wine wouldn't hurt either.

My Mom and Dad were similar, and long-distance. I stayed with them to watch and care for Dad for a few days when Mom had a birthday celebration and her 3 sisters flew in for a week. I got an accurate idea of what was going on, and Dad's needs.

A good friend of my mother's gave her an article about the percentage of caregivers who die before their spouse. My brothers and I discussed it, and all three of us called them later. We all said we were very concerned that she would die from caring for Dad. We recommended getting aides, or going to a nursing home. We also stressed that it was their decision, and we would not force it. I knew that was Dad's fear, and I knew he was listening on the other phone. They made the nursing home choice soon after.

Each situation is different, but I did use AAA for my aunt, and it was an eye opener to hear a non-biased evaluation. I also went with her to see her doctor, and got his eval. Both were so different from what my aunt had told us. We lived 3 - 4 hour drive away, and aunt Rose had no children. She refused to change anything until we visited and had her hospitalized for possible mini-stroke. The doctor was totally honest with her about how bad her memory had been when she came in, that she could never drive again, and shouldn't live alone (this timeshe listened).

Lots of good experience here. Please keep in touch.

I never realize that I could or would get so much fantastic feed back from obviously strangers who have been there or can totally relate! You are ALL right in your assumptions. My breaks do squeal, my mother will find something else to complain about, I love them all very much, I need to take care of me and my only sibling is finally involved. As for paperwork, we took care of that in Aug 2014. Also, moving them closer I believe will relieve some of this stress and I will have to monitor how much I allow myself to be a caregiver vs getting assistance. I can't thank anyone enough for the input... it really made me realize...I'm not alone in my thoughts and got some great services AAA and advice!!!

I agree, don't uproot your life. You may have enough decisions to make without changing your life. Looks like you are close to retirement. You need to look ahead to make sure ur not in the same position. I guess no siblings? If there are, they need to get involved. Not fair you dealing with it all.

You all make me feel a little better. I feel selfish that I want my Mom in a facility eventually. I am retired and was/is watching my GS until he was ready for daycare, this year. Then Mom's last hospital stay showed she couldn't be on her own so she is here. At 87, she is healthy but has Dementia. She could live another five to ten years and there goes the time my husband and I have together. In that time, we could have our own health problems.

Does the AMA help middle class people, or is it another low-income benefit. Since it is govt I assume only low income are helped.
Re--"Medicare will pay for 24 hr care" or Medicare paying family caregiving. ....I think you have MEDICARE confused with MEDICAL ASSISTANCE. As far as I have found Medicare does not pay families.

You and your husband have an apartment that suits the two of you, you both have full-time jobs, you are not close to retiring and you already have caring commitments to your husband's mother (who lives close to you?). I would love to hear the sound of your brakes screeching to a halt, right there.

I just have this tingling suspicion that - you'll correct me if it's totally unfounded - you could move your mother to that lovely ALF a mile from you tomorrow morning, and she would find a whole new load of things to stress you out about, quite possibly including how much she misses the more relaxed environment and infinitely better climate down south, and how upset your father is by the move. If I'm being unjust, I apologise and plead not knowing your mother as an individual, of course; but your mentioning that she won't accept help currently, and her unreasonable expectation that you can solve all her troubles from 500 miles away… These are making my antennae twitch. Do you have a career complainer on your hands?

Some people love to be miserable. I don't know if this applies to your mom or not, but it may. She won't take any advice, but loves to call several times of day with "Wo is me."

She is not your responsibility. You have stated that you are in no way able to take on your parent's care. I am 61. I think you may be, too. My MIL is 92 and mother is 96. I could not and would not bring mother here to live. She is whiney and needy, if I am around too long.

In my case, Mother's NH is very nice and has saved her life.

What is the plan, if dad outlives your mom? Because that very well could happen.

You do not need to answer all of your mom's phone calls. Keep repeating "Oh, we couldn't possibly do that." "No. I am unable to help." "Good luck with that."

Read the book "Caring for my difficult older parent." It is good. I wish you the best.

Davelfm gave great advice. The 3 A's stand for Area Agency on Aging and each region of the US has one. They will do an in home assessment and recommend answers, some of which can be free of charge, like up to 4 hours a week of companionship so the caregiving partner can get a few hours of alone time.

Caregiving can be very stressful no matter how much you love the person you are caring for. Contact the area agency on aging for more information and options counseling. Advance directives and a living will are important for everyone to have as well as a durable power of attorney for finances. Sounds like both sets of parents need some assistance and you as a caregiver can utilize caregiver services as well. If your parents were closer you would be better able to find a caregiver to come in and assist her. I can understand her reluctance to accept help; maybe she feels it's her duty/responsibility to care for him. With a blood pressure that high, it could lead to serious trouble; if she becomes ill who will care for day? She needs to realize this. A caregiver must care for themselves or they will not be able to care for anyone else. the AAA has programs, you can check housing. If you are renting now is it feasible to find a duplex were everyone would be close? I am a caregiver for my dad and he is stubborn and wants to do for himself sometimes to his detriment. It's important for many to be as independent as possible, but with a physical decline we may need to accept help. There are many programs available that if the parents qualify could make their lives easier (and yours as well). People need to work, that's a given so I understand no one can become a full time caregiver. Utilize every services available to them/you; those programs are funded by our tax dollars and 'we' deserve it. If you are able to get your parents closer, check into a adult medical day care, it's a great place for medical oversite, a chance to socialize, eat a meal, be active and it's for those with medical issues including dementia and other ailments. I have found it to be a great place and the clients have fun. Good luck.

Regarding .... up-root our lives for them, rent a house etc..
IMCO DON'T

Take care of yourselves first

Get free advice from AAA's

Engage a good Elder Affairs Attorney get you estate documents in order and current'
DPOA's proxies wills

worriedsickinnj to me translates worriedsick in nj

Planning for Care Costs: Costs you may face, Financial documents, Needs and goals, Professional assistance Advice from www.alz.org 's Caregiver Center

"You don't ask - you don't get ~ help"

Brilliant DaveIFM ....as a UK person I cant give that fantastic input

There are 655 AAAs in the United States, and one nearby that serves you.

They are known in the network of eldercare service providers as "Triple As." Each AAA serves a group of cities and towns in a particular region of a state.

AAAs coordinate services in three major areas:
Information and Referral (I&R): AAAs provide free information about a wide range of eldercare services and resources through trained I&R specialists who will connect you to services.

AAAs may also have trained volunteer counselors to provide Medicare and Medicaid information and can help with medical billing problems, reducing insurance costs, and completing public benefits applications.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/gettingstarted/usingeldercare.html

in nj
Contact Division of Aging Services
New Jersey Department of Human Services
12B Quakerbridge Plaza
P.O. Box 715

You are very stressed because you love both sets of parents and you want what's best for them. The closer they are the more relaxed you will feel. So do whatever needs to be done to give you peace and
although they may not want the help, there are caregivers out there that love
their jobs, and programs that Medicare will pay for caregivers, if it's only 3 or 4 hours try it out it will give you a peaceful mind knowing someone is helping out. In some cases Medicare or insurance will pay for 24 hr care. I pray for the best for you and your family. God Bless

There is a move in the UK for families to all join together to buy/rent property so that the caring can be jointly managed. If both sets of parents were to move into a largish property close to you perhaps you could then engage a carer to 'help' you care for them. There is potential then for you to visit every day but the bulk of the work could be done by carers. You could even offer a room in exchange for the care which would alleviate some of the costs too. Failing thast you need to engage professional who are experienced with dealing with wives who will not release their 'duties' - they have to be made to understand that their health is important to and if that works then the pressure can be taken off your mother. maybe the doctor can convince your mother that if she doesn't get help her health is at severe risk. Try to get up there or phone the doctor in advance to express your fears. Please don't uproot your lives unless you have made a conscious decision to do so - it is not your DUTY to care for them it is if you like your DUTY to ensure they are cared for, whatever form that takes as by the sounds of it they are unable/unwilling to recognise the facts of the matter.
So Plans.....well they do depend on your input and only you can decide that....
A) Seek and engage as much professional input as you can - youwill need it later on anyway so start right and engage their support and advice
B) get them into a facility that is monitored or wardened so that you know someone is at hand
C) If their property is big enough perhaps a live in carer whjo can take some of the load off Mum and therefore you
D) A jointly rented property near you with some form of care attached for either parent with you in attendance so they dont feel isolated - you will be able to get transport suited to your father's needs
E) And breathe by the sounds of it you are going to need all your strength over the coming years so make sure you dont devote every waking moment to the cause xxx
I am sure others will have much better input than I have given - do read all you can and make wise decisions that SUIT YOU