I have been overseeing my mothers care for 18 months now. I am burned out and everyday I wish I was dead so I can stop this insane merry go round I am on. My mother went into the hosp September 2013 for taking bogus pain medication that left her unable to walk, or go to the toilet alone, transfer to and from bed, dress herself etc. She spent 3 months being uncooperative in the hospital until they finally gave me the ultimatum: I had 1 hour to find a place for my mother. . Dec 18 2013 I found an ALF 45 mins from my home I was desperate and I took it. For 3 months while my mother was in the hospital I traveled to and from my home to her home to care for her animals, pick up her mail, to my work to the hospital back to her home and then to my home to care for my animals and find food and go to bed. In ALF my mother laid there in a coma like state for a year. I am an only child so I had no idea what to do with her house, animals or her. Now my mother is alert and mentally sharp and all better, sort of. Her only problem is she cant walk or care for her self. For 3 months while my mother laid in bed crying in pain I recently found out the care home removed all her pain medication from her. They wrote down that she received it only she did not get it. The Dr. said it is now my responsibility to be sure she receive her pain pills daily which is hard because I still work full time, I'm still taking care of her house, my house, the animals etc.. I want to sell her house but mom says it's her house she paid for it and she has the right to decide what sells and what stays. She wants me to put her stuff in storage and when I retire she wants me to find her a new home and move her and her stuff into it and pay to have a caregiver in her house with her. My mother was a compulsive shopper so her triple wide mobile home is full of the best and the most stuff she could buy. I am overwhelmed. I have lost most of my friends. The one friend I have left tells me to go to support group, she doesn't want to hear me. I find support groups do not provide the kind of help I need which is hands on. I have been working for 6 months to try to get her home ready for estate sale but I am tired. I don't want to do this any more. I go visit my mother 2-3 times a week. I still take care of her animals, I pick up her mail and try to care for her house and my life. Yesterday when visiting mom she said I can sell the house if I buy a new one for her in the event she walks again. If she doesn't walk again she wants to come live with me. I would rather die than live with my mother. She did not care for me when I was a child, I was sent away when I was 8 to live with people we never met and I was not allowed to come home until I was 17 and could care for my self. My mother has been a selfish bitch all my life and now because she has no family and I have no one I am being forced to care for her. I just wish I was dead.
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I hear about siblings who are there but never help... but there are some days the load is just too much..
I dread holidays... cause its just us.. and my daughter. who is an only child...breaks my heart that she may some day become me...I pray she finds some one some day and have a family and find out what it means to have extended family......
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I too am an only child caring for my 92 yr. old Mom who cannot walk anymore. I did move her into our guest room and that was really rough on me as I was running in and out of there all day. She is temporarily in a nursing home for physical therapy after a hospitalization for infection, and receiving physical therapy. Does your Mom get physical therapy to help her walk? I don't expect that my Mom will walk again at her age, but the goal is to at least get her to stand for transfers to a wheelchair.
The nursing home she is in right now is very good....I was surprised as we had some bad experiences with 2 other places last year. Is there another facility your Mom could transfer to?
This has been the worst time of my life by far, seeing a parent go down and having to take over all aspects of her life. Maybe getting some of your Mom's things into storage and selling her home for a smaller place would make things easier on you. We caregivers have so much on our heads that I have learned to take things only one day...never more than one week at a time. It is hard doing it alone. I find many of us are only children and those with siblings tend to have the siblings not help.
um - narcotic squad maybe? we don't need more narcissist lol
You need to set clear boundaries with your mom. Do what you can and NO MORE. You are not her slave. Your are not bound to meet her every request - only those that you agree with and can do without harm to you - and that's mental/spiritual harm. I agree with cutting down on visits. See her once a week or even every two weeks. If she has an iPad and can communicate with you, she doesn't need you there to advocate for her.
The pain pill stuff is pretty disturbing - I'd be reporting that facility to the state, if I understand what you're saying about them taking her painkillers.
Sell her place, find a place for her remaining pet and do what you can to help her. But within the limits YOU set for yourself. Hugs...
My parents live in independent living close to my house. My dad wants to go back to his lake house. They don't want to sell it so in addition to taking care of both my mom and dad I have to take care of that house as well.. its 90 miles away.
I handle all of their bills (for both residences), do all grocery shopping, dr appointments, errands as well as being stuck in this limbo with their old house. My mom doesn't even want to do a change of address so I have to forward their mail. (everything to make it more difficult). So in essence, I have a full time job while keeping up with 3 households on top of caring for both parents.. yep its a merry go round!
I understand what you are going through.. and feel for you! I want off too!
First of all, never take her into your home. I don't care whether that is what she wants or not. It is not what you want or need and you can make decisions that are good for you - in fact you need to.
Your mother says to sell her home if you will buy another one if she walks again. I would be seriously tempted to take her up on this. Then you could be sure that she, if she walks again, is in suitable housing. At her age and with her history and with Alz she will not recover completely, though she may walk again. Alz will progress and she will decline. The doctor is NOT helpful! Have you spoken to him/her about the stress on you? Has she seen a geriatrician? No way you should be responsible for seeing that she gets her pills daily. That is what you pay the facility for. Have you talked to the director about it?
Why not decrease the number of visits to her to once a week and use that time to get on with the real estate sale prep. Your mother has Alz which means her brain is not working right. Do you know what stage she is at? She should not be making the decisions/calling the shots. That is what POAs are for. Can you hire an agency to get the home ready for sale? That would get one big responsibility off your shoulders.
I trust she does not have a car and a driver's licence any more. With Alz she should never drive again. She will not like that, but it is necessary.
I hope you do find a better ALF. My mother is in one in another city, and I see her a few times a year, oversee her care, and she is well looked after. I have been through the putting stuff in storage scene and still have one unit to empty. She will not need any of it again.
It might be helpful to have a chat with a social worker or your local agency on aging and get some ideas different from what the doctor is saying.You do not have to go to visit that often, especially since you are so tired. The newest figures are that 40% of care givers die before the person they look after. Please look after yourself. Make decisions that take your needs into account. You are a very important part of this equation. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))