Why am I so angry?

I completely understand. I don't know the person I have turned into to. I would say the last 5 years I have turned into a tired, angry person. I am angry because although my mother is chronically ill, she is still alot better off then other people and many of her friends have already passed. She chooses not to try and do things for herself and try to be a little bit independent. I have lost some respect for her because she has no problem opening packages of food and storage bags to eat, but will not wipe herself after going to the bathroom. She has fallen to allowing her sons to wipe her, which they do but feel uncomfortable doing. She will not do a thing for herself. So I get angry about that, I am angry because I live with her and have no life. Every aspect of my life has to be "scheduled". I can't just spontaneously go out with friends to eat or catch a movie. The other day she wanted dinner from Hardees. She wanted an apple pie, but when I got home they didn't put it in the bag. I was irritated and she asked what was wrong. I told her they forgot her apple pie. She never said, 'Oh that's okay, don't worry about it.' Her response was, 'Oh, I'm sorry'....like I am sorry you are going to have to go back and get it. Really! I want to be able to wake up when I want, happy to see another day and just enjoy life. There just seems to be a 'heavy' cloud over me right now that makes me angry. I want to live my life, move when and how I want, have a relationship and eventually get remarried, to travel and just ENJOY life...

sandy22, I get mad a lot, so you're definitely not alone. Last night when I went to bed I suddenly started feeling very angry with my ex and all the stuff that has happened this last 5 years caregiving. I tried to talk myself out of being angry -- you know the old forgiveness routine. Then I thought maybe I needed to be angry. I mean, people can accept stuff so passively, being told to forgive. Or with elders, we're told not to have anger because they're old or have dementia. Then I wonder what can WE be angry at? Why is it okay for others to be angry, but not us? Well, that just p*ssed me off more, thinking that people think for some reason that it isn't okay to be angry.

Now, being an a**hole is a totally different thing. I reserve my right to be angry, but not to take it out on innocent folks. And I won't take it out on my mother, since that would be unfruitful and destructive. But I'll be darned if I'll deny myself the right to feel angry about bad things that should not have happened to me. I think you fit into the same category, sandy, with all that is going on in your life.

I'm angry when I see commercials where the elderly in them are depicted as loving, caring individuals with a mind. They need to show poop smeared down the hallway walls, being asked the same question 76 times in 2 hours, and the ever popular sneaking out of bed at 3am to unload the freezer and hide all the washcloths in the house....... ummm...... yes I have a tad bit of anger ;P

To add some more, I am angry because my parents got to have 25 years of a fun filled retirement doing a lot of traveling, etc. and they never needed to care for their own parents. My parents are in their mid-90's and doing pretty well health wise.

But when will I get to retire and see the world? Well, I am afraid that ship has sailed because of all the stress related health issues I now have, I feel I would be lucky to even see next year... my parents just don't understand how their choices for their old age is also affecting me. Even finally setting boundaries such as less running errands and driving them places, the guilt they throw out doesn't help :P

I get angry too...but I am not sure the anger is directed in the right place. Am I angry at Mom for not remembering that I have told this before (5X) Or am I angry at myself for losing my cool? Or angry because I feel frustrated at not being able to fix this or do everything or be wonder woman? Or am I angry because the rest of the world seems not to notice how bad I feel?

Sometimes I think the two-year-old melting down into a tantrum has it right...I can't stand anymore and I have to get this out....crying & screaming until the tide shifts and the world seems better again...just most of us "adults" don;t do tantrums...and keep that all bottled up. :(

Stress and depression can be the underlying cause of the anger. Make sure you find support group (yes here helps too) and a local therapist...we all need support.

I was just thinking, if we were employed doing this type of work with people we weren't' related to with all this stress, would we stay in that job or resign?

One time I asked my parents if in the future they needed to hire a Caregiver would they want a person who had no experience, wasn't trained for that type of work.... didn't know how to read a blood pressure machine... didn't know how to listen to your heart.... wouldn't be able to pick you up if you fell.... was afraid of driving.... hated to cook... and who was pushing 70 years old... would you accept that Caregiver into your home?

Their answer was *no*.... well guess what, that person would have been me. That was an eye opener for my parents.

so many people I know say,"just be glad she is still around, she will be gone one day and you will be missing her". I can't share my true feelings with any one! I already miss my "mom". the person that was around when I was growing up, Not this whinning, complaining, negative, nasty, person that I am caring for now, I will not be missing this person when she is gone. thank you

I have been feeling more angry and then guilty over anger lately so just helpful reading all your posts knowing I am not alone. I think I will seek out therapist if anger does not subside soon as I am not liking who I am becoming.

Wow! It is so great to hear that others are angry, and not feel like you are some kind of monster for wishing you could enjoy your retirement. Sharing feelings with those who understand is the best therapy. My mother never had any responsibility for her parents, and visited when Gramma went to the nursing home about once a month. She and Dad traveled all over the US, and at 72 the only vacations I get are to visit the kids & grandkids a couple times a year. I feel resentful that she expects me to do for her what she never did for her own mother. Love the questions posed by freqflyer -------I am always being asked about things that I have no knowledge of, and no reason to do so. I just reply that I'm not a nurse or doctor, and she'll have to ask them. Thanks to you all for being here.

Jessie, I know exactly how you feel. If my sig other says to me one more time "just relax" I am going to scream as those are fighting words for me. What does he think I am, a robot?