Has anyone else been through this dilemma?

ive been thinking about guilt at having not done a better job with my mother too . she died almost 2 yrs ago and i do a lot of reflecting now .
about 5 yrs ago she had a manic episode that took 4 months to recover from and it landed her in AL . she hated every moment of it and wanted to go home . understandable enough -- BUT my life was frozen in time for the purpose of staying in her home with her . i tried to get her to live in my new house so i could continue pursuing my own dreams . she flatly refused and even admitted how selfish it was of her . in hindsight i have little to feel guilty about . i gave one hell of a lot more than she was willing to sacrifice . gotta think about how your parents would perform if they were on the giving end instead of the receiving end .
my parents werent caregivers for their parents and possibly didnt have the patience it requires .

Nancy, when you posted back in October about being at the end of your rope, people responded and told you it was time to save yoursrlf, so that you can be your mom's loving advocate. I think that advice is still valid, 6 months later.

If you die from the stress of caregiving, who is going to be there to make sure she's okay? You are much more valuable to your mom as her advocate. She can get good supervision and nursing care from the professionals in a facility, but only YOU can be her daughter.

I hope that you can receive this advice with the love with which it was sent.

Nancy59, So sorry that your experiences on this forum have not been good. I try to post in a loving way and I hope that comes through. I don't have any advice for you, except, Best of luck.

Listen to everyone who has posted here because what they are saying is true, and often from personal experience. Your mom needs more help than you can give her. She is going to get worse and it will be harder and harder for you to care for her. It is the sad truth that caregivers often die before their changes. You are already ill, and caring for your mom is going to shorten your life and she will probably live on years after you. Its normal to feel guilty, but you know your mother will be better off in ALiving especially if they can transition her to Memory Care when the time comes. Eventually she will not remember anyway. You still have your own life to live. Pam is so right - dementia patients don't think about their caregiver, only about themselves and what they need, and they don't feel guilt about the demands they put on you nor are they grateful for what you do. They can't help it, its the illness. Speaking from experience we stalled for years putting Mom in AL (because my sister didn't want to feel guiltyand figured she didn't have long - she was in her 90's) Finally the doctor said she had to leave IL and get more help. Mom has had dementia for at least 8 years and getting worse and worse. She is now 100 and except for her mind she is healthy as a horse - my sister and I have health issues. She will probably outlive us - would have for sure had we tried to live with her. Mom was unhappy where she was, is unhappy where she is now (but that is just her - it wouldn't matter where she is) - but she doesn't blame us for moving her because she can't remember clearly that 2 months ago she lived somewhere else. She has completely forgotten the friends she had. Although it is a hard thing to do initially, it is better for you both to move her.

If you drop dead from caring for her, will she feel guilty? Probably not. She will be upset your are not there to do what she wants, but that is not the same as feeling guilty. So let go of that guilt, because it's only a one way street.

Nancy, probably the majority of people who place their parents in a care center struggle with severe guilty feelings. Perhaps in a few cases this MIGHT be justified, but in the vast majority of cases the guilt is totally unearned. We did not cause the disease or the injury or the aging process that makes 24-hour care required. We did not choose our own weaknesses and limitiation that makes caring for our parents alone impossible. This is Not Our Fault. There is no reason for guilt. But still the guilt persists.

So you are definitely not alone!

My husband had dementia. He would have liked me to promise him never to put him in a home. I couldn't make that promise. I said, "I promise to never abandon you. I will always be there for you. It it ever becomes necessary for you to go to a care center I will continue to be a central part of your life. I will advocate for you. My goal is to always see that you have the best care possible."

And I think that is key: Seeing that our loved ones have the best care possible.

You say "Although that for my health and her welfare it would be best, I can not do it." In other words you are sacrificing what is best for both of you just so you can avoid the uncomfortable (and totally irrational) feeling of guilt. Is that what you really want to do?

I suggest you find some other ways to cope with the guilt feelings, ways that allow you to still do what is best for Mother and for you. Counseling comes to mind. Joining a caregiver support group is another option.

My mother lived with my sister for a little over a year before her dementia and physical problems became too much to handle at home. She has been in a nursing home for a year now. The sister who had to make the decision "I can't do this anymore" was pretty devastated for a few months. She felt guilty. She felt regret. She wished Mother could still live with her. But she got through those feelings. She visits at least weekly, as do all four of us daughters. Mother still has dementia and her mobility issues are worse. But she is thriving in this environment of lots of activity choices and round-the-clock care.

Please don't deprive your mother of what is best for her just to avoid bad feelings yourself.

Nancy, it is normal to feel guilty. None of us want our parents to have to go to nursing homes or assisted living, but sometimes it is the only thing we can do. Having to do it makes us sad and guilty. Your mother needs more help than you can give her right now without hurting yourself. It sounds like she would be better in a facility receiving care, where you can visit her as often as you would like. The sadness and guilt will be less in time as you both adjust. Big hugs to you and hopes that you get to feeling better.

^^ oops, sorry for all the typos... wish we could edit after posting.

Nancy, please note that 1 out of every 3 Caregiver dies living behind the love on they were caring. And that elder usually lives on for many more years enjoying herself in a continuing care facility.

Please note that my boss' wife had Alzheimer for 15 years. Would you survive for another 5 or 10 years? I realize your Mom is 91, but if her over all health is good except for memory issues, she could live for many more years.

Note that people of her generation have a totally different outlook when it comes to nursing homes, they view them as dark dank pleases with unsmiling places. They don't realize how nice these homes are with pleasant rooms or apartments, central dining, activities, etc. Just think of the new friends she would make, and if she's lived in the area a number of years, who knows maybe there is someone she knew from her past who is living at that nursing home.